Back to...whatever

Camp is over. 'Guys and Dolls' went well. I was very pleased with the overall performances. I wasn't happy at all with the lack of a set, but there are things beyond my control regarding camp, set design being one of them. It is always a pleasure to work with the other creative staff, it helps me remember I'm really pretty good at what I do.

I now return to my 'normal' state of unemployment and auditioning for whatever comes along. I'm teaching again in the fall but have not confirmed which class specifically. Nothing much came of working at Philly Shakespeare. To date, I haven't heard from them about auditioning or working for them again and only 1 casting person mentioned they had seen the show I was in but made no comment as to my performance. I assuming right now I'll be back to the anonymous background.

I haven't been able to ride this summer. In January I was diagnosed with fibroids and they make riding uncomfortable. I am strongly considering surgery. Although my symptoms are tolerable, I can't bend over, lift or carry heavy weight, I get tired really fast and now I can't ride. If I lived the 9 -5 admin life I suppose I could adjust and accommodate and move on. Since I like to move, I want to ride, I don't like being exhausted all the time and I don't want to gamble on if or when the fibroids will grow large enough to cause more sever symptoms I'd like to have them removed. Right now, they are distorting my abdomen a bit and making me appear much heavier than I really am. I fully own my overweight body but I'm really hating my physical appearance right now.

The fibroid thing has been emotionally overwhelming sending me alternately from denial and ignoring them to obsessing over every little thing. I've shared with a large number of people my general state of being but it is difficult to really communicate how upsetting this condition is and I'm not feeling very supported right now with the lone exception of my wife. It is TOTALLY benign so folks assume, I guess, it's no big deal or they think it is a big deal and can't handle it so they talk about their own trouble ad nausea. I end up doing more supporting and checking in and making others feel better about their lives without much in return. I know WHA WHA WHA get over yourself. I'm not in that place right now, right now everything IS personal, 'cause it's my body and how it functions and what it looks like and that takes precedence over anything else. One of the more stressful things is the choices of treating fibroids range from hysterectomy (YIKES!) to ignore them. I'm somewhere in the middle. I just want them out and my uterus in. Seems simple enough but apparently the medical and insurance world disagree.

The experience has left me feeling isolated, something I already felt. I understand when I'm out and about and auditioning and directing and all it appears I'm exaggerating or seeking attention. I think maybe this is just one of those things that if you haven't experienced you just don't get it. In the meantime I'm just trying to live my life. I'll figure out what adjustments I need to make until surgery happens and I'll deal with after surgery, well, after surgery whenever that happens.

Anyway, fibroids replaced riding this summer and I'm just doing my best to live a normal life while figuring our what to do next.