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'K
I've been struggling to keep up. I have so many things I intend to do for ME for 2009. I made a list then paired it down to about 5 or 6 items that I wanted to either accomplish or undertake in 2009. For some items I'm more than half way through. The year isn't over and I've almost finished some goals. I should feel great and instead I feel like I'm not working hard enough or that I set the bar too low. And that's not true because it's been a struggle to get as much done as I have. If anything perhaps I set the bar too high. I'm feeling burnt out.
I'm in need of some balance. I'm a slow burn. I'm your long haul truck not your speedy delivery.
And this thought has been seeping into my mind ever so slowly....
Simple, positive encouragement, reinforced over and over again is a great antidote to JUDGMENT. I want so much to be done with judgment. It feels like a sickness. It feels out of my control I pass judgments on others and I hear and see people judging me or other people and I don't feel good. I need to stop for my own good. This has proven easier said than done but I'm not giving up.
I don't know who to credit for this quote and I've probably mangled it...but I like it:
"God himself sir, does not presume to judge a man 'till the END of his days, what gives you the right to judge me now?"
Last weekend I did the charity ride for Girls with Gears with Diane and our friend Lou. Afterward, Lou asked if we would be interested in joining him on a regular weekend ride. We said yes. I did not think Lou meant we would start this weekend.
Mid week, Diane told me Lou had called and asked if we wanted to ride on Sunday. I was hesitant at first. We had a fundraiser to attend Saturday night and Diane was on the committee that organized the event so we were both going to be doing set-up and breakdown. A recent medical checkup revealed I have more health concerns to deal with this year and the stress of more upcoming testing has been weighing me down. I had other things to do as well, like get a hair cut and cut the grass and do laundry, my 1pm training appointment with Kevin at the gym and my favorite pass time of all, feel sorry for myself after a disappointing audition. There was no way to do all of that PLUS go for a ride. After my list of excuses the fun of riding would not be denied. What about that lifetime goal of a century ride? What about doing a 35 or 45 mile charity ride by fall time ? What about improving my riding skills, or how great I feel physically and emotionally when I ride or, how much fun Lou is to ride with? So I agreed. We would ride on Sunday.
The plan was to start at 23rd and Locust and ride the path to the Art Museum. I thought we were to meet up in the city at 8AM. After the fundraiser on Saturday night we got to bed around midnight. I set my alarm for 6:45 so I'd have time to eat and get the dog out, load the bikes, and get to the city with enough time to find parking.
Sunday the alarm went off and it was brutal. I hardly slept due to, let's call it 'dietary indiscretion.' I didn't get up until 7:15. I knew we were going to be late and felt bad about that but was feeling far worse physically. Around 7:45 Lou showed up at our house...I don't know if he came by because he had a change of plans or if we just misunderstood the plan from the get-go but boy was I happy to see him! The new plan was to head to Manyunk and ride the Schuykill River bike path.
I have never been on this path and was under the misconception that it was a gravel or hard dirt path. It is not. It is entirely paved. And FLAT! We never discuseed how far we were going to ride, just that I needed to be back to the car in time to get to the gym by 1 so i could train with Kevin. We were joined by Lou's friend Adena who is also a veteran of long distance rides. We got a good pace on at around 14 mph and rode out to Valley Forge and back in 2.5 hours including a few rest stops along the way.
This was a great ride. I appreciated the flat miles. It's really pretty along the way. It was around 87-90 degress but low humidity and at that pace we generated our own wind so it wasn't overly hot. We refilled water bottles and used the bathroom at Valley Forge and headed on back. I now have a tentative date to ride with Lou on Sunday mornings .
I went from the ride to the gym with a brief stop at WaWa for a sandwich and more Gatorade. My trainer, Kevin, was both happy that I was riding and sad because he had planned a big lower body/leg workout. We did back-triceps-abs instead. We agreed to maybe find another day to work out so I don't overlaod myself like that again. Still I think he was impressed that I was willing and able to push myelf to the limit. Which probably means next time we meet my body will be sad for days.
Stuff to remember:
I wish I had eaten more before the ride. I started off on a banana and half a berry muffin and some tea. I wish I had a second water bottle because I'm not in top condition and I was feeling thirsty along the route but trying to conserve the water I had. I wish I had a little snack to eat along the way and some food at the car when I got back.
Stuff I did right:
I put on sunscreen and only missed a small area on one arm at my jersey cuff. We had gatordae in a small cooler in the car which I downed almost in one gulp.
Today I feel like I got hit by a truck. I've been drining a lot of water and eating small amounts of protein and carbs every few hours. I got up at 7, ate a yogurt and took some motrin and went back to bed with ice for my back. I slept another 4 hours and felt a lot better. Just taking it easy today. I never did cut the grass, but I did laundry and got a hair cut and had no time to host my pity party so all in all a great weekend.
I'm trying to embrace a new outlook. The pessimistic / fatalistic one I've lived with for so long has protected me a lot but hasn't moved me forward the way I'd like. On the theory one need to do something different to yeild different results, I'm trying to find something good in my circumstances. I'm deeply frustrated by a lack of acting work, and paying temp work. However, because I have no firm commitments I've been able to get to more auditions in NYC and take time to care for myself - like today's recovery or upcoming medical tests and that's a good thing. And I'm feeling really good these days - physically anyway - so I intend to keep it up.
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