Is it any wonder...?

I am highly suspicious of almost everyone I know. I constantly analyse and wonder what it is you really want or why you really told me that. It doesn't matter how long I've known someone or how close we are. The unfortunate consequences of growing up in a verbally abusive / neglectful household.

I spend a great deal of time and money in therapy so I can make my brain shut the hell up and recognise this is now, not then. While therapy has accomplished a lot it is not a guarantee that people aren't just plan crappy sometimes. For someone like me, I fight to remind myself that just because some individuals are awful that doesn't mean everyone is -- or -- just because one person I thought was good does something crappy doesn't mean all the good stuff they did beforehand was designed as a set up to make the crappy thing they did have that much more impact.

I'm half laughing as I write this because it sounds so insane. Because it IS insane...hence the years in therapy. Nonetheless, it IS how I think of most people most of the time.

And here's a kick in the pants, sometimes the people I think are crappy, really ARE crappy. They really are selfish and manipulative and tell half truths to get ahead. They really don't care about anyone other than themselves and manipulate the emotions of those around them to get what they want. They take every opportunity to turn the spotlight on themselves. If they can't do it by their own merits then they do it by tearing down others or playing one-up games like "Oh that's terrible you had the flu, well I just found out I need major surgery!"

Despite my tendency to assume the worst, I am in fact a good judge of character. I know in my gut when I'm just being mistrustful out of habit/conditioning and when I have genuine reason to be mistrustful. I have to force my mind to be still for half a minute but that's a half a minute well spent.

With the support of my therapist I've been spending more time focusing on my own needs. I have spent many years making choices to do or not do things so that I would be accepted or liked or to do what is expected of 'someone like myself.' The expectations always being those of someone else not mine. As I focus more on what my expectations are for myself I find myself wanting different associations in my life. I find that there are more people in my life that I genuinely don't trust but have been forcing myself to trust anyway because, well, I'm always suspicious and MAYBE this person or that person isn't really like that.

Well phooey to all that. I'm done with being supportive of people who don't give 2 craps about me. I'm done pretending to be happy when I have good reason not to be. I'm done apologizing for myself, my thoughts, my opinions. I'm done with engaging in tearing down others just to 'fit in' and lastly, while I know it will take more than a few tries, I'm done comparing myself, my relationship, and my career to others. Let them ride their ride, I'm on my own damn ride and you can either be genuinely supportive or get the hell out of my way.