Self Saboage

I’m an expert at self sabotage

I don’t care to go into all the “reasons” I’ve done therapy for a L O N G time and I’m very well acquainted with some very legit reasons why I undermine my own good. I’ve tried a lot of tactics to address my habit of self sabotage but my mind is tricky—it has a good grip on me physically and emotionally. It knows how to weasel out of good things before I even realize it. Self change is really hard when you get to the fundamental parts of yourself.

And let’s be clear. There is a difference between self sabotage and general personality trend. I understand I live in a large metropolitan area on the East Coast. Folks here are more “driven.” I’m not even sure they know by what but they feel inadequate and anxious and sub-human if they aren’t taxing their body mind and soul to the utmost limits. When one of these types crashes and burns there is the obligatory sympathy followed by finger wagging “you should have seen how stressed you are and taken a break.” How can they? They aren’t programmed that way and everything about East Coast culture is geared toward rewarding the over achiever. As long as these people can hide their stress or “manage it” they are rewarded; Rewarded by job promotions, adoring friends and people like me who want to be like them.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be one of those people. It has recently occurred to me that I have been trying to be one of those people for well over 20+ years—since I was like 13 or 14. And when I couldn’t do it, it provided me with tangible evidence of my general failure as a human being. For all these years I have felt badly that I can’t do what these people do. I just can’t. My mind doesn’t work that way nor does my body. So if I can’t then why bother to do anything at all. And as of June, talking to an overachiever it hit me—I’m NOT LIKE YOU.

It was not all that dissimilar to when I realized I was gay. I had been struggling with the issue for several years. I was CERTAIN I WASN’T but the more CERTAIN I was the worse things were for me in terms of my relationships both sexual and otherwise. One day, sitting at a work-study job I entertained the idea – what if I’m gay- and it was like suddenly everything fell into place. Everything made sense. DUH! I’m gay. I felt so much better.

My conversation with the overachiever was like that. DUH! I’m not an overachiever. I’m not stupid. I’m not a failure. I am what I am and what I am is NOT an overachiever. I don’t NEED to have that much going on in my life to feel self worth. One project is plenty.

Now the self sabotage thing is different. I do still require something to feel a sense of purpose and self worth; directing a show, performing in a show, teaching a workshop or class, training for a charity ride. But no matter how much I want to do something I find ways not to do it. Not always but very often.

Right now it’s about getting healthy. I’ve been struggling with weight gain for several years and I have tried to address it 7 different ways from Sunday with very little success. What I am certain of is that if I’m going to make a “lifestyle change” I had better damn well believe in it 100 % or I won’t stick to it. That was part of my motivation for buying a bike. I love riding. It is one of a handful of activities that I do that really clears my mind. It is simple and does not involve huge brain power. I was appalled at my lack of ability when I started. I mean I didn’t expect to be a pro or even an amateur racer but my mental expectations far exceeded my ability. Thankfully the body responds quickly. All it takes to improve is to do it. It is what a guy told me at the shop the day I picked up my bike. Just ride. Don’t push it, just ride as far as you can. The more you ride the better you’ll get. Seems simple enough and I had proof that it is true.

So now that the weather is cooler and not rainy and I have no job to speak of, in short no obstacles between me and my bike—why am I sitting at a computer all day instead of riding? Why am I unable to give myself 30 minutes even of an easy ride around the immediate neighborhood? No traffic, no road hazards, no hills.

I can’t seem to get out the door for myself. To take a meeting for someone else? Yes. To meet up with a friends such that I don’t have time to do the things I want to do for myself?—PLENTY of time. The bitch is I am aware of the self sabotage and still can’t stop it. If I wasn’t aware then maybe I’d just be lazy. A lazy underachiever, the thing most people I know fear of becoming if they only do 3 tasks instead of 6—no one wants to be me. By being aware of the sabotage and not being able to stop it I keep fulfilling that “I’m a failure” part of my personality. If I’m a failure then, DUH! Of course I can’t give myself permission to feel good and get healthy ‘cause I’m a stupid failure.

Final question-- why can’t I give myself permission to not be a failure? Or better put, since it is difficult to play a negative, why can’t I give myself permission to succeed at something even as minor as riding a bike a couple days a week?

Arg.