I has a sad

I started rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet and Pericles the last week of January. It was winter. I wore a heavy coat. I was anxious and excited and looking forward to working and about 10,000 other things. Mostly I was looking forward to the long contract, about 16 weeks of paid employment AS AN ACTOR!

Over the course of the production I've gotten to know my fellow cast members, been privy to their ups and downs. I've been through my own assorted demons medical and psychological. I've been cranky and mean spirited and joyous and I hope uplifting. The weather has gotten warmer and I don't wear a coat to the theater anymore. It has been truly a blessing to have had the opportunity to keep getting to know my characters, try things out and have the luxury of doing it over several shows not just one or two then *bam!* the show is over. I have been greatful for this opportunity.

I am ready to move on except I haven't anything to move on to. I think, but I am not 100% certain, I will be returning to theater camp to direct again. The confusion lies in a lack of communication from the camp rather than any ambivalence on my part.

Because of the rehearsal / performance schedule I was unable to attend any auditions this winter like I did last year. I hope to get a few in over the next few weeks. I hope but won't hold my breath that I may be invited back to PSF next season. As much as I really do not desire to do anything else but act professionally I grow weary of not knowing what's next. I feel envy toward people who go from show to show. I always have becuase it has never happened to me. There are a few in production with me now, spending their days or between show time in rehearsals for the next show, the next staged reading, the next commercial while I sit and wonder if I'm going back to theater camp. I don't like feeling that way and I don't like who I am when I feel that way.

I am 9 days away from the end of my contract. 9 days from daily intimate quarters with 17 other people. 9 days from having a routine, 9 days remaining of paid employment in my chosen career. 9 days from now I say goodbye to my 'friends' and as is the routine we will all promise to stay in touch and see each other's shows and get together for whatevers and if that happens at all it will be infrequently as we all move in different directions. Usually it's just something nice to say, no one really does it.

This may be what 'we theater people' do, a normal 'part of the business' but that doesn't make the experience any easier. This group of people will never be together in exactly the same way again. Maybe next time it will be even better, or a living hell, or more likely a let down of neutrality - neither as great as it's been nor really bad just sort of 'eh.'

So I has a sad as I watch this weird, strange,wonderful, quirky bunch of artists disband and I move into the obscurity that is my life.

Yep.

I has a sad.