Dear Santa

I used to love Christmas. It ran a close second as a holiday next to Halloween. I was raised with Christian traditions but I do not think of my self as particularly "religious" i am more of a secular Christian and embrace Santa and his reindeer, snowmen and elves and "magic" i do not care to engage in religious history nor conversations about what non-Christian people are forced to endure at times like this in a largely Christian country. Deep down I guess that makes me insensitive to their plight. I mean I care to a degree. I know how I would feel as a secular Christian if I was living somewhere where my traditions and beliefs were marginalized. It would suck and i imagine that is how it feels to my non-Christian friends. But in the end, I am part of the dominant culture and right now I just want to enjoy the privileges of the majority for a few weeks, including Christmas carols and eggnog and lights and animated specials on tv and Santa.

The thing is no one really allows anyone to enjoy their own traditions anymore with out some finger pointing and mini lecture on why their holiday tradition beats you holiday tradition. We hide it in humor and witty comebacks and cards that parody our feelings. Unless you are fortunate to be with a community of people (friends, family, chosen family colleagues or what-have-you) that share your same feelings it's all just something to endure until you can be with those like you.

While I do enjoy a good secular Christmas complete with cookies and gifts the commercialism of the holiday has taken on a feeling not of magical what-ifs, as in what if I got that thing I've wanted all year. There is no wondering or hoping or wishing because as adults when we want something we tend to go right out and get it. You don't need to wait for anything anymore. And when it comes down to it, what do you really need anymore? Conspicuous consumerism has ruined the magic of Christmas for me.

Being poor at the holiday is a mighty burden. Sure I'm poor all year round but at a time of year when parties and gifts and donations are all around it is stomach-wrenchingly difficult to make a choice between the groceries you need for the week or the ingredients you need to make that special something for the holiday party. Sure one can decline to make or bring anything but only at the risk of being seen as cheap or curmudgeonly. I would hope that my friend know my economic situation but they seem to have a disconnect. They know but they act like it isn't true. So on the one hand it's nice to not be treated "differently" or openly viewed with pity, on the other hand the drive for inclusion feels like being shut out, like I only have your support and love as long as I can participate in your reindeer games.

As an adult the things I "want" for Christmas aren't the kinds of things the regular person asks for, or at least not the lower income person and/or they aren't the kinds of things one person can necessarily give another. My Christmas list:

• To be cast in a lead or supporting leading role at 2 or more professional companies between now and April.
• For the acting work to continue for many years to come
• For my wife to get the job of her dreams and the salary to go with it
• For my wife to be able to take early retirement like her family and friends are doing this year
• For me not to hate my wifes family and friends for taking early retirement this year and continually asking when she will be retiring
• $50,000 to make needed repairs and upgrades to the house
• $15,000 to pay of existing credit card debt
• A second car fully paid for with a savings account to cover maintenance and repairs and gas and tolls and parking
• A laptop computer with all the gewgaws and whizzbangs and hot software
• 4 long weekends somewhere enticing with my wife --all expenses paid
• 2 2 week vacations with my wife somewhere beautiful all expense paid including souvenirs
• For the new visiting foster kitty to get along well with the resident cats and dog so he can stay
• Another Basenji puppy
• A flexible full time job like many of the "A-list" actors in Philly have...the kind that has a fancy title, pays full time wages, and allows one to be in rehearsals, performances, auditions and still have a job afterwards
• To lose 40 pounds
• A couple people to ride my bike with who don't mind that my endurance is about 15 miles with a top speed of 12 mph
• A bunch of new cycling gear from pedals to shorts to tights to jerseys
• Some friends who aren't secretive or competitive or so overwhelmed by my life story that they change the subject, people who can talk about feelings and thoughts and dreams more than shoes and the weather, who honestly don't mind that getting together is a walk in the park or making coffee at home
• Endless Encouragement
• A cool online name

I hope that your Christmas and New Years are less stressful than my own, that Santa brings you both what you want and what you need, that you find that bit of Christmas magic for yourself.