One thing leads to another

It is taking this entire lifetime of mine to accept limitations. My own, the world’s, other people’s. I used to believe that anything can be achieved / attained if one only tried “hard enough” and that the inability – failure to be precise - to achieve said thing(s) lay in laziness, not wanting ‘IT’ enough, lack of focus, on some other underlying fault.

The universe has been schooling me, throwing extremely difficult examples my way to prove my beliefs to be faulty for a LONG time. I think maybe the lessons have been too big for me to really appreciate. Recently the universe has scaled down a bit so I can catch up.

It’s about what you DO and what you SAY. Words are important. They carry more than just functional meaning they carry social meaning. What you say says a lot about you, who you are and what you believe. But too many people stop there. They SAY all sorts of lovely things, but they never DO anything to back it up. Or they DO lovely things like send a card or buy a gift and then SAY terrible things later. Worse yet they DO and SAY things in public for their own achievement and DO and SAY quite different things in private. These are the worst in my opinion because they see themselves they way the public see them – as generous, loving, kind. A definite disconnect.

I have come to the disagreeable acceptance that people have limitations. They may WANT to be a certain way but their own baggage gets in the way. I used to hold them accountable for that – for their own issues – because my friends, my family should be better than that. But they are not. Because they are humans and they have troubles just like me. For some it is too much to expect them to see the disconnect. They don’t see it in themselves and no amount of confronting or coaxing will ever make them see their own hypocrisy any more than I will become competent at math.

I am learning that I need to accept people as they are to borrow a phrase “ You go with the friends you have not the friends you wish you had” and understanding that this one SAYS a lot but does nothing and the that one DOES a lot but never says anything has been difficult but feels so much better than expecting everyone to both do and say.

I heard an interview on the radio about a book regarding the stock market some time ago – before the collapse – and I felt it aptly applied to so many more things than just business. The point of the book was that “successful” business people were deluded if they believed that they were the source of their own success. Yes, they had a hand in it but ultimately factors WELL out of their sphere of influence resulted in their success not their ‘hard work’ or business acumen.’ By the same token the author stated that those who “failed” were o not responsible for their failure to achieve success because factors WELL out of their sphere of influence killed their plans long before they even had a chance.

I thought about this as it applies to my own life. I can only do what I can do with the tools that I have. I am the only one who really knows how badly I want ‘it’ or how hard I try or what actions I take on my own behalf. Wayne Dyer said it best “when you make judgments and criticism about other people, when you call them stupid, it doesn’t make that person stupid but it says a lot about you.” The crazy Reagan era idea of “Pull yourself up by your own boot straps” is crazy because it ASSUMES we all have boots. What if you don’t have any boots? And who says there is a universal definition of success? Of course I buy into it as much as anyone. I daydream about what success would look like and it’s a pretty conventional dream. But sometimes, I look at the facts of my life and realize I’d damn lucky to even be alive. No, I don’t have the career I want but I’d have no career at all if not for my own hard work and the help of friends and the love of my wife. I truly believe I would have killed myself 15 years ago if not for some truly caring individuals. People whose words matched their actions. People who didn’t HAVE to be there for me but were anyway because they cared. No one I envy has had to deal with my obstacles and I’m fairly certain many wouldn’t even be where I am if they had them. I am a success.

So universe, readers, I’m trying. Trying to make my words match my actions. Trying as hard as I can with what I have. Trying to accept that it is possible to have everything and STILL not win. I’m trying to accept that people are not perfect and no matter how much I want them to be they are who they are. I’m trying to be as accepting of my own definition of success as I am with the conventional American dream. I’m trying to put much less emphasis on the achieving part and lots more on the trying part. I expect I will continue to fail and I also expect to keep trying.