on my mind...today

This is a photo of a Hercules Bike circa 1940. Diane owns one like this but it is not currently in ridable condition. It has been in and out of various storage facilities (basement of apartment, garage, storage shed) for so long the tires are beyond dried, they could be used as lethal weapons. After riding Frank's revamped Bridgestone a while back I had the crazy idea I might spend the winter attempting to bring old Herc back to life. I've NEVER done ANY mechanical work on a bike EVER. OK, last fall I changed a busted tube on the Cat Bird for the first time. I have a few tools and I figure the bike isn't being ridden anyway so it's not like I'm going to f'up a working machine. I don't have the courage to work on the Cat Bird but this might be a great place to start. Sort of like when dads buy their sons a piece of shit car from a junk yard and they work on restoring it together. Only, I'll be doing this alone. I don't know anyone to help. If I get in trouble I figure I can haul it over to Frank.



The weather here is finally 'fall-like' and Loki's energy is on HIGH! I don't know what it is about cool temperatures and Basenji's. Mine at least love temps between 55 and 70 degrees.

I love my wife, like my house and I like being an actor. I HATE that my house and my wife and I are in Philadelphia. I have no evidence that living elsewhere in the USA would net better results professionally or personally but I sure as hell know that being here nets me very little.
The list of current peeves that keep me from functioning as a normal person instead of ruminating on grievances both real and perceived:

1. Over the past week I learned that a show in which I have often performed and believed to not be happening, will in fact be happening next week. I DID say I was not interested in participating in this one, so that it is happening is not the issue. It is that I was under the impression it wasn't happening at all. I got that impression from others with whom I have done this show who told me they were also not participating. Now I learn that was never the case. I'm hurt and angry no one said anything at all to me. If they wanted me out, this is a hell of a way to tell me. If this is how I am regarded I'm not sure I want anything more to do with the show. It has eroded my trust in a lot of people.
2. Last night I learned that yet another "acting looks like more fun than my job. I'm quitting to become an actor" person has been cast in a show going up next month. I am sick and tired of being out of work while nice people with no training seem to have no problem getting started. It will not surprise me if this up-t'ill-now relatively unheard of and inconsequential company is the surprise sleeper hit of 2007 and this person nominated for Best Actor.
3. I am tired of being in need of support and help only to find when I reach out that I am unwittingly in a 'competition' for whose life is worse. I don't want to compete for who has a worse life. I need empathy, understanding, companionship and assistance. I don't need a lecture or a 'pep talk' and I don't think it realistic that I can be 'fixed' with a few simple do's and don't s conversation. Stop being surprised when 2 days later I'm 'still' feeling badly or 'nothing has changed.' I need someone who will 'be there' regardless of how I'm feeling If I don't answer the phone --leave a message. If you don't hear from me --try email. If you still don't hear from me try stopping in. Depression is like that. Sometimes just getting up to walk the dog is about all I can manage. Sorry but that's the truth and I can't keep putting on a show so others won't feel disgusted, put out or uncomfortable.
   
4. It bothers me unreasonably that a person I know shares so much of their life with mutual acquaintances but with me everything about their life is top secret. WTF?!
5. It bothers me that someone I know is incapable of being anything other than superficial. I need them to step up instead of being so focused on themself. The cold truth is it will never happen. Any more than I can bend spoons with my mind. The sooner I can let this go for good the better off I'll be.

And that's just today's thoughts...imagine what the rest of the week was like!