expectation

I was set a task in May. Pick 2 people that I would like to get to know better and contact them once a week either by phone or email or letter or any combination. The contact needn't be 'deep' just 'hello thinking of you today' if I had news or things I felt like sharing do that be honest and open don't censor and don't have any expectations.

They needed to be people I already know; People that have some connection to me, they know some facts about my life and we have a shared history maybe from work or school or the like but I don't normally 'share' my feelings with them or talk about anything other than superficial news, the weather, work. The people I pick needed to be one's that I might like a deeper connection with but don't feel like I have that now.

During this year of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I know a lot of people but very few I call friend. Like most modern Americans I throw the term 'friend' around to cover a wide range of relationships but in my heart I don't consider them friends. I set a high standard for a friend. It was posed that perhaps my standard is too high thereby preventing people from getting to know me more intimately. That I hold people at arms length and create a self fulling circumstance, that of feeling like I have 'no friends.' By reaching out to just a few people on a regular basis I could establish a mundane and regular connection then slowly try the waters and see if the relationship could go beyond superficial conversation. Many of them won't but maybe a couple will and that's really all adults have in their life anyway- a couple close friends and a lot of acquaintances.

I picked my starting 2. 1 was my college mentor and favorite professor. Someone who saw me thru some difficult personal circumstances but who I haven't spoken to in 15+ years. The other someone I knew in Philly who moved away and I occasional contact and always feel guilty about not making more of an effort to keep up with.

The first I wrote a long letter. I received a phone call that I interpreted as an enthusiastic response. We exchanged contact information and I received an email inviting more conversation. Despite reservations I tried not to over think this and took the invitation at face value. After the email I made 1 call and the conversation went as you might expect. It was pleasant but superficial and neither of us had much to say. That was in early June. About 1 week later I sent an email that went unanswered. No problem it's summer folks are traveling, people have lives and it isn't like I'm on the top of the priority list, me whose been absent for 15 years. I let 2 weeks go by and tried another phone call - voice mail. Since late June I sent 2 more emails and tried 1 more phone call. None of my messages have been returned. I'm not sure what to think. Despite being invited to continue conversation not receiving any response for 2 months would indicate to me that this is a dead end pursuit. If that is true it saddens me deeply. And of course I feel it is something I did or said that has caused the nascent reconnection to go dead. Did I reveal too much and cause this person to feel uncomfortable? Do they feel like I'm some unstable psycho stalking them now- so many attempts to communicate after so long an absence? OR maybe something is going on in their life and returning my calls or email is a low, low priority. Maybe they were in an accident and either too injured to call or dead?

Bottom line is I have NO information and with only partial facts and nothing else to go on it is my habit to assume the worst- usually the worst about myself, then the worst in others. Then I withdraw and cut myself off from people not wanting to be embarrassed, thought badly of or hurt.

The 2nd person and I have exchanged a few emails and recently we had a long phone conversation. We were already comfortable enough to share slightly more intimate personal information. Interestingly, I felt the urge to steer conversation back to neutral topics OR to 'fix' problems essentially bring the conversation back to neutral. Be careful what you wish for, hun? I'm trying hard to face my fear that revealing too much will kill another potential friendship.


Just can't kill the demon EXPECTATION.