Bad Parents R Us: I know a few families who are parents. Each has children in age ranges from 4 - 11 years old. While each family differs one from another in their personal values, spiritual beliefs, and parenting style they are good families. They are not emotionally or verbally abusive. They are not physically abusive. They provide opportunities for self-expression, they make certain their kids have good educations and they provide more than the basics required for survival(food shelter clothing.) Question: Why do these people vie for "worst parent award?" Whenever 2 or more of them are together the parents try to out do each other in the "I'm a bad parent" contest. This is manifested in statements about how they fed fast food to their offspring on a specific night or made the child go to bed, encouraged or forbid the child some activity. As someone who grew up in a family that struggled to meet the basics for survival (the house was often up for sheriff's sale, the utilities shut off on a regular basis, I ate fast food and generic canned food-the kind with the black & white label-NOT exclusively but far more regularly than anyone would consider "healthy" we did not have a telephone for 7 consecutive years,) experienced verbal and emotional abuse I find these "contests" disturbing. Do you really want to be a bad parent? I doubt it. It always feels like a very calculated ploy to get compliments, as in "oh ,no you aren't bad you did the right thing. Now me, I'm a bad parent..." Ick.
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Pedophilia: It has NOTHING to do with SEXUAL ORIENTATION. I am outraged that this whole congressman Foley thing is being turned into a gay scandal. What the man allegedly did is outrageous. And it would STILL be outrageous if it were female pages. It is reprehensible that he tries to excuse his behavior by claiming to have been molested as a young man. IF he was, that is terrible for him but has nothing to do with the situation at hand. And if he wasn't it is equally reprehensible to use a horrible experience as an off-the-cuff excuse. It has nothing to do with him being a "closeted homosexual" as I have read some people say. Under age is under age and inappropriate is inappropriate regardless of the orientation of the perpetrator. Like straight men are NEVER inappropriate toward girls and young women. Please. Anyone pass a news stand recently? Pedophilia is not a sexual orientation.
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What are you doing about it?: I am a member of several groups. There is some cross over between members of some of these groups. Recently the conversation in these groups revolves around the behavior and exploits of a specific individual--let's call the person PQ. Over many years I have been as guilty as the next person in re-hashing the troubles and pain PQ has caused me. I have both spoken behind PQ's back and confronted PQ in person. I have never once told PQ "Stop it or else."
After much introspection I came to the conclusion that PQ is not worth my time or energy. I am sometimes required to work with PQ but I don't care to think about , confront or trash talk PQ behind their back. It doesn't change PQ, it doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't undo the damage caused by PQ. In short I am REALLY TIRED of anything related to PQ unless there is going to be an "or else." Because as much as PQ is not changing their own behavior neither are my colleagues. So much time and emotional effort is wasted on venting of personal feelings about PQ behind PQ's back. Question PQ dissenters: What are you going to do about it? If the behavior is so reprehensible to you what consequences are there for such behavior? IF there are no consequence then why should PQ stop? OR to put it more positively What is it you want PQ to do differently? If you think PQ incapable of change regardless of condition (as I do) then why waste one more minute on PQ? What are you getting from the experience?
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What makes a group a group?: A discussion I had with my therapist this week. This is not an exact quote but she said something like "people can brandy the term 'we' around all they want too but if there is no leader or leadership it is not a group"
I fought this idea hard, How can that be? 2, 3, 4, 5, 30 people coming together under one title is a group. Then I started considering if there isn't a single voice, a single goal, a singular action then 2, 3,4, 5, 30 people is merely a gathering of individuals, each with their own idea of the way things should be. A real group works collectively toward a singular goal and speak with a singular voice through collective action and through a leader or leadership. It is easier for me to envision this in terms of sports. Everyone on a football team has their task but as a unit they are working for one common goal--to score points, to win. Teams with great leadership both on and off the field tend to do better than those where the leadership is weak or non existent. By better I don't necessarily mean more wins just more team identity, cohesion, camaraderie.
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Why can't I disagree?: In the various circles in which I work the term "family" is often used to describe how we allegedly feel about one another. In these "families" we are all encouraged to share our feelings. But not really. What is really meant is that if the majority feel one way there is no room for questions, or dissent. In fact to ask questions is seen as a deliberate attack or "being mean." The consequence for "being mean" is a lot of people trashing you behind you back, or an email sent by an individual to the group openly stating how "mean" it is to disagree, sometimes both. I am often the dissenter. To my so called "family" I am "mean." QUESTION: Why is it not ok to have a contrary opinion or to ask hard questions? Asking questions doesn't equate to undermining a project and not believing that the majority opinion/conclusion is correct does not equate to lack of support.
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