'K
I've been struggling to keep up. I have so many things I intend to do for ME for 2009. I made a list then paired it down to about 5 or 6 items that I wanted to either accomplish or undertake in 2009. For some items I'm more than half way through. The year isn't over and I've almost finished some goals. I should feel great and instead I feel like I'm not working hard enough or that I set the bar too low. And that's not true because it's been a struggle to get as much done as I have. If anything perhaps I set the bar too high. I'm feeling burnt out.
I'm in need of some balance. I'm a slow burn. I'm your long haul truck not your speedy delivery.
And this thought has been seeping into my mind ever so slowly....
Simple, positive encouragement, reinforced over and over again is a great antidote to JUDGMENT. I want so much to be done with judgment. It feels like a sickness. It feels out of my control I pass judgments on others and I hear and see people judging me or other people and I don't feel good. I need to stop for my own good. This has proven easier said than done but I'm not giving up.
I don't know who to credit for this quote and I've probably mangled it...but I like it:
"God himself sir, does not presume to judge a man 'till the END of his days, what gives you the right to judge me now?"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Schuylkill River Bicycle Trail
Last weekend I did the charity ride for Girls with Gears with Diane and our friend Lou. Afterward, Lou asked if we would be interested in joining him on a regular weekend ride. We said yes. I did not think Lou meant we would start this weekend.
Mid week, Diane told me Lou had called and asked if we wanted to ride on Sunday. I was hesitant at first. We had a fundraiser to attend Saturday night and Diane was on the committee that organized the event so we were both going to be doing set-up and breakdown. A recent medical checkup revealed I have more health concerns to deal with this year and the stress of more upcoming testing has been weighing me down. I had other things to do as well, like get a hair cut and cut the grass and do laundry, my 1pm training appointment with Kevin at the gym and my favorite pass time of all, feel sorry for myself after a disappointing audition. There was no way to do all of that PLUS go for a ride. After my list of excuses the fun of riding would not be denied. What about that lifetime goal of a century ride? What about doing a 35 or 45 mile charity ride by fall time ? What about improving my riding skills, or how great I feel physically and emotionally when I ride or, how much fun Lou is to ride with? So I agreed. We would ride on Sunday.
The plan was to start at 23rd and Locust and ride the path to the Art Museum. I thought we were to meet up in the city at 8AM. After the fundraiser on Saturday night we got to bed around midnight. I set my alarm for 6:45 so I'd have time to eat and get the dog out, load the bikes, and get to the city with enough time to find parking.
Sunday the alarm went off and it was brutal. I hardly slept due to, let's call it 'dietary indiscretion.' I didn't get up until 7:15. I knew we were going to be late and felt bad about that but was feeling far worse physically. Around 7:45 Lou showed up at our house...I don't know if he came by because he had a change of plans or if we just misunderstood the plan from the get-go but boy was I happy to see him! The new plan was to head to Manyunk and ride the Schuykill River bike path.
I have never been on this path and was under the misconception that it was a gravel or hard dirt path. It is not. It is entirely paved. And FLAT! We never discuseed how far we were going to ride, just that I needed to be back to the car in time to get to the gym by 1 so i could train with Kevin. We were joined by Lou's friend Adena who is also a veteran of long distance rides. We got a good pace on at around 14 mph and rode out to Valley Forge and back in 2.5 hours including a few rest stops along the way.
This was a great ride. I appreciated the flat miles. It's really pretty along the way. It was around 87-90 degress but low humidity and at that pace we generated our own wind so it wasn't overly hot. We refilled water bottles and used the bathroom at Valley Forge and headed on back. I now have a tentative date to ride with Lou on Sunday mornings .
I went from the ride to the gym with a brief stop at WaWa for a sandwich and more Gatorade. My trainer, Kevin, was both happy that I was riding and sad because he had planned a big lower body/leg workout. We did back-triceps-abs instead. We agreed to maybe find another day to work out so I don't overlaod myself like that again. Still I think he was impressed that I was willing and able to push myelf to the limit. Which probably means next time we meet my body will be sad for days.
Stuff to remember:
I wish I had eaten more before the ride. I started off on a banana and half a berry muffin and some tea. I wish I had a second water bottle because I'm not in top condition and I was feeling thirsty along the route but trying to conserve the water I had. I wish I had a little snack to eat along the way and some food at the car when I got back.
Stuff I did right:
I put on sunscreen and only missed a small area on one arm at my jersey cuff. We had gatordae in a small cooler in the car which I downed almost in one gulp.
Today I feel like I got hit by a truck. I've been drining a lot of water and eating small amounts of protein and carbs every few hours. I got up at 7, ate a yogurt and took some motrin and went back to bed with ice for my back. I slept another 4 hours and felt a lot better. Just taking it easy today. I never did cut the grass, but I did laundry and got a hair cut and had no time to host my pity party so all in all a great weekend.
I'm trying to embrace a new outlook. The pessimistic / fatalistic one I've lived with for so long has protected me a lot but hasn't moved me forward the way I'd like. On the theory one need to do something different to yeild different results, I'm trying to find something good in my circumstances. I'm deeply frustrated by a lack of acting work, and paying temp work. However, because I have no firm commitments I've been able to get to more auditions in NYC and take time to care for myself - like today's recovery or upcoming medical tests and that's a good thing. And I'm feeling really good these days - physically anyway - so I intend to keep it up.
Mid week, Diane told me Lou had called and asked if we wanted to ride on Sunday. I was hesitant at first. We had a fundraiser to attend Saturday night and Diane was on the committee that organized the event so we were both going to be doing set-up and breakdown. A recent medical checkup revealed I have more health concerns to deal with this year and the stress of more upcoming testing has been weighing me down. I had other things to do as well, like get a hair cut and cut the grass and do laundry, my 1pm training appointment with Kevin at the gym and my favorite pass time of all, feel sorry for myself after a disappointing audition. There was no way to do all of that PLUS go for a ride. After my list of excuses the fun of riding would not be denied. What about that lifetime goal of a century ride? What about doing a 35 or 45 mile charity ride by fall time ? What about improving my riding skills, or how great I feel physically and emotionally when I ride or, how much fun Lou is to ride with? So I agreed. We would ride on Sunday.
The plan was to start at 23rd and Locust and ride the path to the Art Museum. I thought we were to meet up in the city at 8AM. After the fundraiser on Saturday night we got to bed around midnight. I set my alarm for 6:45 so I'd have time to eat and get the dog out, load the bikes, and get to the city with enough time to find parking.
Sunday the alarm went off and it was brutal. I hardly slept due to, let's call it 'dietary indiscretion.' I didn't get up until 7:15. I knew we were going to be late and felt bad about that but was feeling far worse physically. Around 7:45 Lou showed up at our house...I don't know if he came by because he had a change of plans or if we just misunderstood the plan from the get-go but boy was I happy to see him! The new plan was to head to Manyunk and ride the Schuykill River bike path.
I have never been on this path and was under the misconception that it was a gravel or hard dirt path. It is not. It is entirely paved. And FLAT! We never discuseed how far we were going to ride, just that I needed to be back to the car in time to get to the gym by 1 so i could train with Kevin. We were joined by Lou's friend Adena who is also a veteran of long distance rides. We got a good pace on at around 14 mph and rode out to Valley Forge and back in 2.5 hours including a few rest stops along the way.
This was a great ride. I appreciated the flat miles. It's really pretty along the way. It was around 87-90 degress but low humidity and at that pace we generated our own wind so it wasn't overly hot. We refilled water bottles and used the bathroom at Valley Forge and headed on back. I now have a tentative date to ride with Lou on Sunday mornings .
I went from the ride to the gym with a brief stop at WaWa for a sandwich and more Gatorade. My trainer, Kevin, was both happy that I was riding and sad because he had planned a big lower body/leg workout. We did back-triceps-abs instead. We agreed to maybe find another day to work out so I don't overlaod myself like that again. Still I think he was impressed that I was willing and able to push myelf to the limit. Which probably means next time we meet my body will be sad for days.
Stuff to remember:
I wish I had eaten more before the ride. I started off on a banana and half a berry muffin and some tea. I wish I had a second water bottle because I'm not in top condition and I was feeling thirsty along the route but trying to conserve the water I had. I wish I had a little snack to eat along the way and some food at the car when I got back.
Stuff I did right:
I put on sunscreen and only missed a small area on one arm at my jersey cuff. We had gatordae in a small cooler in the car which I downed almost in one gulp.
Today I feel like I got hit by a truck. I've been drining a lot of water and eating small amounts of protein and carbs every few hours. I got up at 7, ate a yogurt and took some motrin and went back to bed with ice for my back. I slept another 4 hours and felt a lot better. Just taking it easy today. I never did cut the grass, but I did laundry and got a hair cut and had no time to host my pity party so all in all a great weekend.
I'm trying to embrace a new outlook. The pessimistic / fatalistic one I've lived with for so long has protected me a lot but hasn't moved me forward the way I'd like. On the theory one need to do something different to yeild different results, I'm trying to find something good in my circumstances. I'm deeply frustrated by a lack of acting work, and paying temp work. However, because I have no firm commitments I've been able to get to more auditions in NYC and take time to care for myself - like today's recovery or upcoming medical tests and that's a good thing. And I'm feeling really good these days - physically anyway - so I intend to keep it up.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
GWG 2009 pics
Just a some of the folks coming back from rides
Lou's very sweet ColognoLou checking over my bike before the ride
Di's Gitane in foreground
The pavilion area around lunch time. There were many more people at the event than this pic shows.
Girls With Gears 2009 – The wrap up.
GWG 2009 Post ride photo (l-r) Diane, Lou, me
First let me say thank you! I was able to raise $325, $75 more than my pledge goal! The event overall raised $50,000 from rider pledges.
This was my second charity ride and my first time back on my bike in over a year. Since high school I have always been “into” cycling and have 2 lifetime goals – 1 is to complete a 100 mile ride (aka century.) The other is to ride across the country. While this ride was only 10 miles I had to take off a few months of any sort of exercise while recovering from recent surgery so this ride was big deal for me and hopefully the start of many great things to come.
Joining me on the ride was my lovely wife, Diane and our friend Lou. Lou is a very experienced rider with over 20 years riding experience. He does the huge charity rides like the California AIDS ride which covers 750 miles over the course of a week. Everyone needs Lou or some like him on a ride. He is friendly, encouraging and thoroughly knowledgeable without being condescending or a busybody. Lou is someone who rides for the sheer joy riding and wants everyone around him to experience the joy.
The weather held up nicely for us as well. Far from the predicted cold, wind, and rain we had a warm gentle breeze and just enough sun to make it a cheerful Sunday morning. We couldn’t have ordered up better conditions, not too hot, not too cold but juussst right!
The event took place at the Limerick Community Park and Pavilion. There were 1000 registered riders who participated in various rides from 62.5 miles (a metric century) to 42, 25 and the 10 mile ride. We arrived at the event around 8:45 am. The longer rides had left around 7am or so. The parking at the pavilion was full so we were directed to the ‘overflow’ parking about 1.5 miles down the road. We parked and started to unload the bikes. Lou immediately began assisting 2 women pumping their tires and getting them set up on their mountain bikes. His sweet carbon frame Cologno was set up in seconds. Diane had her 1975 Gitane – another very sweet ride and I had the Catbird – my Jamis Coda Sport hybrid. We rode back to the park and registered and after looking over the size of the 10 mile group chose to depart on our own.
Diane had a few mechanical issues getting started. Her chain kept jumping off the gears and getting stick between the cranks and the frame. Lou got her set up and back on the road ASAP. A short while later we met up with some folks who were having troubles with their brakes, again Lou jumped off and had them back on the road in less than 5 mins.
The 10 mile route was rolling hills, challenging but doable. And of course what goes up must come down. At one point we came to a nice downhill ' s 'curve . Lou took off as did Diane. Per Lou’s bike computer they clocked around 35 -40 mph. Me? I’m a big scaredy cat and went down a little more cautiously at 18- 20 mph. A few hills later I passed Di who had pulled over to walk a bit but she got back on and passed me soon enough.
Along the route we passed a working farm. The farmer was in his driveway smiling and shouting out encouragement to everyone who passed. The riders and the event staff and even many of the local residents, like that farmer, were all very supportive and ready to help. When Lou was working on freeing Diane's chain a guy who lived in a home across the road came running out with a bike pump assuming we had a flat. We thanked him and told him the deal and he waved us on our way. It was great feeling.
There were photographers taking pictures of the riders as we left and returned from our rides at the Pavilion. Outback provided lunch – a choice of salads, pasta and grilled chicken. Volunteers had oranges and bananas and Luna bars. Starbucks provided coffee and there were various flavors of sports drink and water donated by Giant and volunteers. A lot of vendors jewelry, clothing, bike related stuff who donated part of their sales to Carol For Heart , free heart health screenings, massage and lots of good cheer all the way around.
After lunch Lou shared some inspiring stories of the big rides he’s completed. I was choked up several times. It is amazing how something as simple as a bike ride can change so many lives – the riders, the volunteers and the beneficiaries.
This was a great experience and something I will definitely be doing again next year.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
RIP Shadow
Early this morning I lost my "canine nephew" Shadow to a fast moving and extensive cancer. Diagnosed in mid March he was given 1 - 2 months to live. I had been planning to drive down to Virginia to visit with him today. Last night Bill called to tell us Shadow wasn't doing well. Diane said she just had a feeling he wouldn't make it through the night. Sure enough, Bill called us at 7AM to say Shadow was gone.
He was an amazing dog. Very affable and a great ambassador for canines everywhere. Easy to train, easy to live with. He loved to play doggie soccer. Whenever the ball would get stuck at a fence he would stand and lean over it barking at it, willing it move on its own and get back in the game. He loved to play tug and would kindly let you win. Shadow was only about 6 months older than Titan- my first basenji and they were best of friends. We are sure that he knew just how hard this was on his family. Yesterday Bill said he sat outside sitting in the sun letting the wind blow his floppy ears, a favorite pastime, but he had stopped eating and was breathing heavily. They told us his breathing eased over night and he seemed he might hold on this morning but by 7 he passed.
There is no good way to lose an animal friend. Passing away or being put to sleep, old age, or illness, old, or young, there just is never a good way to say goodbye. It is cliche but dogs really do live in the moment and live 100%. Dogs don't generally hold back anything they are feeling, which is why, I believe dog lovers are so attracted to them, why it is so easy to bond emotionally with them and why it is so devastating to lose them. Dogs give us a dose of love, companionship, devotion, trust, and loyalty over an average of 12 years in a quantity rarely matched by many humans in 70+ years of life. Perhaps we dole out our enthusiasm for life, for love and each other in smaller quantities because we know we have so long to live. I have read that many humans, when given a fatal diagnosis, become more like the reformed Scrooge in Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Again, cliche I know, but why do we wait? Why do we hold back? It makes me wonder about our 'civilization' a place where we are free to express hate, anger and all forms of judgment and opinion but can't muster up the same intensity of love, friendship and devotion.
Is it becasue dogs have no sense of time, that we understand anyway, that they truly live the adage "live like there are no tommorows" Or are they just naturally free from self judgemet, unaffected by opinions, unfettered by social custom.
I am intensely sad. I wanted so much to see Shadow before he died. I will miss him terribly. If there is an afterlife, a rainbow bridge, I hope my Titan and Shadow are reunited again for plenty of long runs along the beach and naps on a comfy couch, great bone chewing sessions and lots of warm sunshine.
Friday, April 10, 2009
9 Days and counting
On Sunday April 19 I will do the Girls With Gears ride - 10 miles - to support Carol For Heart.
I have raised $150 towards my $250 goal. Sigh.
I haven't ridden at all for just over a year. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard and started working with a trainer once a week. I'm hoping that will help. I reviewed last years 15 mile route and was instantly intimidated. What are "gently rolling hills" to someone who rides regularly are the AlpeD'Huez to me.
Nonetheless, my trainer has taught me many great lessons. One of them being that many things that logic dictates are impossible are more than easily overcome by ones state of mind. So I WILL finish this ride. I can't say what physical state I will be in when I'm done but I will finish.
Diane and our friend Mary are joining me in the quest. I am looking forward to the free lunch at the end.
I have cleaned and re-lubed Diane's chain. I am re-taping her handle bars. Never did change the rear wheel but Kimba didn't puncture the tube and the tires are still holding air so we're good to go there.
SERIOUSLY MISSING BIKETOPIA!
If yu want to make a contribution towards my ride you may do so online. Just enter my name in the "Donating on Behalf" line. Just $10 from 10 people will allow me to reach my goal! Use this link:
http://carolforheart.org/default.asp?p=support_us
I will try and take some pics at the event and post afterward.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Another LOL from Teresa Dowlatshahi
Frog Applause for March 04, 2009 from www.gocomics.com
© 2009 Teresa Dowlatshahi - All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Catch up
It is audition season. Well, in theory it is always audition season but this is the time of year that the medium to large Equity theaters hold open calls for their summer 09 - 2010 season. Mostly these happen in NYC. Sometimes a company comes to Philly. Sometimes one needs to go to the company. These are sort of catch-all auditions. I am certain that someone out there has been cast by one of these companies from such a call. I strongly suspect, however, that these companies are merely fulfilling a union requirement. I suspect that they know who they want to hire and I'm fairly sure that it is usually the actor(s) who are already the local celebrities of the town the company works in. I don't mean to be overly cynical, just realistic. I've attended a few of these open calls and followed up to see who was cast. Sometimes there is someone from out of town but more often the cast are residents of that city and have appeared more than a few times at that theater. Or they are all from out of town but basically work there several shows per season. In other words, if they don't already know you, if they haven't called you to set up a private /invited audition then you probably won't work there.
So why go? Because it is like buying a lottery ticket. Realistically you aren't going to win, but someone will. And you can't win if you don't have a ticket. Like I said, I'm sure there are folks who do get cast from open calls. I think it is more realistic to view these as opportunities to be seen and not necessarily cast. That is, if I can blow the auditor away with my work I may not get cast but I may make it into their files. I get seen by auditors and even if I never see them again there is always that 'lottery possibility' that that person ends up in Philly or nearby and I get to connect with them again. Also, there are a handful of small companies that actually do use these open calls to cast. They aren't usually the big names, the ones listed in American Theater Magazine or the main tourist attraction in the large cities. They are hard working artist-entertainers, so there's more than just luck of the draw when auditioning for those companies. Lastly, auditioning is a unique skill. Yes, it is performing, but the stakes are high and the environment is quirky and you are essentially selling your wares to someone who may or may not even be interested long before you enter the room. So I go for the practice, and the off chance that this time I'll get that break.
In other news, I got a bike workstand for Chritsmas and hope to do some basic maintence on my bike and Diane's. I have her's on the stand now so I can put on a new back tire (Kimba likes to use the tires for scratching posts...grrrr. BAD KITTY!) and put on a new saddle and bar tape.
There is a charity ride April 19 sponsored by Girls with Gears I plan to do. It is in support of educating women about heart disease. There are a lot of mile option choices. I thought I'd try the 25 mile but I haven't been on the bike for so long I think this time I'll do the 10 mile option. Plus it's still freaking cold here in April so I want to get in sooner than later.
So why go? Because it is like buying a lottery ticket. Realistically you aren't going to win, but someone will. And you can't win if you don't have a ticket. Like I said, I'm sure there are folks who do get cast from open calls. I think it is more realistic to view these as opportunities to be seen and not necessarily cast. That is, if I can blow the auditor away with my work I may not get cast but I may make it into their files. I get seen by auditors and even if I never see them again there is always that 'lottery possibility' that that person ends up in Philly or nearby and I get to connect with them again. Also, there are a handful of small companies that actually do use these open calls to cast. They aren't usually the big names, the ones listed in American Theater Magazine or the main tourist attraction in the large cities. They are hard working artist-entertainers, so there's more than just luck of the draw when auditioning for those companies. Lastly, auditioning is a unique skill. Yes, it is performing, but the stakes are high and the environment is quirky and you are essentially selling your wares to someone who may or may not even be interested long before you enter the room. So I go for the practice, and the off chance that this time I'll get that break.
In other news, I got a bike workstand for Chritsmas and hope to do some basic maintence on my bike and Diane's. I have her's on the stand now so I can put on a new back tire (Kimba likes to use the tires for scratching posts...grrrr. BAD KITTY!) and put on a new saddle and bar tape.
There is a charity ride April 19 sponsored by Girls with Gears I plan to do. It is in support of educating women about heart disease. There are a lot of mile option choices. I thought I'd try the 25 mile but I haven't been on the bike for so long I think this time I'll do the 10 mile option. Plus it's still freaking cold here in April so I want to get in sooner than later.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
One thing leads to another
It is taking this entire lifetime of mine to accept limitations. My own, the world’s, other people’s. I used to believe that anything can be achieved / attained if one only tried “hard enough” and that the inability – failure to be precise - to achieve said thing(s) lay in laziness, not wanting ‘IT’ enough, lack of focus, on some other underlying fault.
The universe has been schooling me, throwing extremely difficult examples my way to prove my beliefs to be faulty for a LONG time. I think maybe the lessons have been too big for me to really appreciate. Recently the universe has scaled down a bit so I can catch up.
It’s about what you DO and what you SAY. Words are important. They carry more than just functional meaning they carry social meaning. What you say says a lot about you, who you are and what you believe. But too many people stop there. They SAY all sorts of lovely things, but they never DO anything to back it up. Or they DO lovely things like send a card or buy a gift and then SAY terrible things later. Worse yet they DO and SAY things in public for their own achievement and DO and SAY quite different things in private. These are the worst in my opinion because they see themselves they way the public see them – as generous, loving, kind. A definite disconnect.
I have come to the disagreeable acceptance that people have limitations. They may WANT to be a certain way but their own baggage gets in the way. I used to hold them accountable for that – for their own issues – because my friends, my family should be better than that. But they are not. Because they are humans and they have troubles just like me. For some it is too much to expect them to see the disconnect. They don’t see it in themselves and no amount of confronting or coaxing will ever make them see their own hypocrisy any more than I will become competent at math.
I am learning that I need to accept people as they are to borrow a phrase “ You go with the friends you have not the friends you wish you had” and understanding that this one SAYS a lot but does nothing and the that one DOES a lot but never says anything has been difficult but feels so much better than expecting everyone to both do and say.
I heard an interview on the radio about a book regarding the stock market some time ago – before the collapse – and I felt it aptly applied to so many more things than just business. The point of the book was that “successful” business people were deluded if they believed that they were the source of their own success. Yes, they had a hand in it but ultimately factors WELL out of their sphere of influence resulted in their success not their ‘hard work’ or business acumen.’ By the same token the author stated that those who “failed” were o not responsible for their failure to achieve success because factors WELL out of their sphere of influence killed their plans long before they even had a chance.
I thought about this as it applies to my own life. I can only do what I can do with the tools that I have. I am the only one who really knows how badly I want ‘it’ or how hard I try or what actions I take on my own behalf. Wayne Dyer said it best “when you make judgments and criticism about other people, when you call them stupid, it doesn’t make that person stupid but it says a lot about you.” The crazy Reagan era idea of “Pull yourself up by your own boot straps” is crazy because it ASSUMES we all have boots. What if you don’t have any boots? And who says there is a universal definition of success? Of course I buy into it as much as anyone. I daydream about what success would look like and it’s a pretty conventional dream. But sometimes, I look at the facts of my life and realize I’d damn lucky to even be alive. No, I don’t have the career I want but I’d have no career at all if not for my own hard work and the help of friends and the love of my wife. I truly believe I would have killed myself 15 years ago if not for some truly caring individuals. People whose words matched their actions. People who didn’t HAVE to be there for me but were anyway because they cared. No one I envy has had to deal with my obstacles and I’m fairly certain many wouldn’t even be where I am if they had them. I am a success.
So universe, readers, I’m trying. Trying to make my words match my actions. Trying as hard as I can with what I have. Trying to accept that it is possible to have everything and STILL not win. I’m trying to accept that people are not perfect and no matter how much I want them to be they are who they are. I’m trying to be as accepting of my own definition of success as I am with the conventional American dream. I’m trying to put much less emphasis on the achieving part and lots more on the trying part. I expect I will continue to fail and I also expect to keep trying.
The universe has been schooling me, throwing extremely difficult examples my way to prove my beliefs to be faulty for a LONG time. I think maybe the lessons have been too big for me to really appreciate. Recently the universe has scaled down a bit so I can catch up.
It’s about what you DO and what you SAY. Words are important. They carry more than just functional meaning they carry social meaning. What you say says a lot about you, who you are and what you believe. But too many people stop there. They SAY all sorts of lovely things, but they never DO anything to back it up. Or they DO lovely things like send a card or buy a gift and then SAY terrible things later. Worse yet they DO and SAY things in public for their own achievement and DO and SAY quite different things in private. These are the worst in my opinion because they see themselves they way the public see them – as generous, loving, kind. A definite disconnect.
I have come to the disagreeable acceptance that people have limitations. They may WANT to be a certain way but their own baggage gets in the way. I used to hold them accountable for that – for their own issues – because my friends, my family should be better than that. But they are not. Because they are humans and they have troubles just like me. For some it is too much to expect them to see the disconnect. They don’t see it in themselves and no amount of confronting or coaxing will ever make them see their own hypocrisy any more than I will become competent at math.
I am learning that I need to accept people as they are to borrow a phrase “ You go with the friends you have not the friends you wish you had” and understanding that this one SAYS a lot but does nothing and the that one DOES a lot but never says anything has been difficult but feels so much better than expecting everyone to both do and say.
I heard an interview on the radio about a book regarding the stock market some time ago – before the collapse – and I felt it aptly applied to so many more things than just business. The point of the book was that “successful” business people were deluded if they believed that they were the source of their own success. Yes, they had a hand in it but ultimately factors WELL out of their sphere of influence resulted in their success not their ‘hard work’ or business acumen.’ By the same token the author stated that those who “failed” were o not responsible for their failure to achieve success because factors WELL out of their sphere of influence killed their plans long before they even had a chance.
I thought about this as it applies to my own life. I can only do what I can do with the tools that I have. I am the only one who really knows how badly I want ‘it’ or how hard I try or what actions I take on my own behalf. Wayne Dyer said it best “when you make judgments and criticism about other people, when you call them stupid, it doesn’t make that person stupid but it says a lot about you.” The crazy Reagan era idea of “Pull yourself up by your own boot straps” is crazy because it ASSUMES we all have boots. What if you don’t have any boots? And who says there is a universal definition of success? Of course I buy into it as much as anyone. I daydream about what success would look like and it’s a pretty conventional dream. But sometimes, I look at the facts of my life and realize I’d damn lucky to even be alive. No, I don’t have the career I want but I’d have no career at all if not for my own hard work and the help of friends and the love of my wife. I truly believe I would have killed myself 15 years ago if not for some truly caring individuals. People whose words matched their actions. People who didn’t HAVE to be there for me but were anyway because they cared. No one I envy has had to deal with my obstacles and I’m fairly certain many wouldn’t even be where I am if they had them. I am a success.
So universe, readers, I’m trying. Trying to make my words match my actions. Trying as hard as I can with what I have. Trying to accept that it is possible to have everything and STILL not win. I’m trying to accept that people are not perfect and no matter how much I want them to be they are who they are. I’m trying to be as accepting of my own definition of success as I am with the conventional American dream. I’m trying to put much less emphasis on the achieving part and lots more on the trying part. I expect I will continue to fail and I also expect to keep trying.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Ya know that annoying song 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' ? Well I find it annoying anyway the melody is catchy but becomes too repetitive too quickly and the song lends itself easily to making up your own lyrics.
My friend Julia Frey from Philadelphia CSZ is the chick in this video satire of said song. Yeah, it's STILL annoying but it made me laugh out loud.
Breakfast at Tiffany's from Olde English Comedy on Vimeo.
My friend Julia Frey from Philadelphia CSZ is the chick in this video satire of said song. Yeah, it's STILL annoying but it made me laugh out loud.
Breakfast at Tiffany's from Olde English Comedy on Vimeo.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Still nothing yet
I STILL need a job. I have 4 auditions coming up but unless I get a contract that's not the same thing as a job.
I have been offered a 1 day gig for $150 + a new suit. If I can find a suit this will be the easiest gig I've ever done.
I've been offered to teach a workshop slated to start in November. 2 things about that...1) Much like the auditions, until I'm standing in front of the class it's not really a paid job. 2) I am deliberately not mentioning the class because I genuinely like the folks who run the organization and I know they too are struggling for cash but ... well.. they are paying considerably less than I get paid elsewhere to do the same work...on the other hand NO ONE is paying me right now so there's that. I HATE having to give my work away becuase I can't afford to turn work down.
I want SO BADLY to be done with Tapestry Theater and it is still lingering on because Karen and I have about $800 in debts to pay off. I've drafted a workshop/performance scheme that I would like to sell to a college or university for $1200. 2 shows and a 6 hour master class. 1 buyer would pay off the debts and we could be done with this albatross. More than 1 and we could maybe pay ourselves a small token...something we haven't done since the company started.
I was reading some bios for other improv instructors and, as usual, misread the title of one person's solo show. However, the mistake was funny enough to me that I may just find a way to make my own show... how's this for a title:
SHAME FEST
I see a lot of potential in a shame fest. Not certain yet whether I would be shaming other people or exposing my own shame...perhaps both so the show is fair and balanced.
I have been offered a 1 day gig for $150 + a new suit. If I can find a suit this will be the easiest gig I've ever done.
I've been offered to teach a workshop slated to start in November. 2 things about that...1) Much like the auditions, until I'm standing in front of the class it's not really a paid job. 2) I am deliberately not mentioning the class because I genuinely like the folks who run the organization and I know they too are struggling for cash but ... well.. they are paying considerably less than I get paid elsewhere to do the same work...on the other hand NO ONE is paying me right now so there's that. I HATE having to give my work away becuase I can't afford to turn work down.
I want SO BADLY to be done with Tapestry Theater and it is still lingering on because Karen and I have about $800 in debts to pay off. I've drafted a workshop/performance scheme that I would like to sell to a college or university for $1200. 2 shows and a 6 hour master class. 1 buyer would pay off the debts and we could be done with this albatross. More than 1 and we could maybe pay ourselves a small token...something we haven't done since the company started.
I was reading some bios for other improv instructors and, as usual, misread the title of one person's solo show. However, the mistake was funny enough to me that I may just find a way to make my own show... how's this for a title:
SHAME FEST
I see a lot of potential in a shame fest. Not certain yet whether I would be shaming other people or exposing my own shame...perhaps both so the show is fair and balanced.
Friday, September 12, 2008
SOS
I need a job in my field or closely related. I am a skilled and talented actor and director. I have experience teaching improv and acting classes and theater skills to corporate people.
What can I do? Act and direct theater is my number one best skill. I can also produce theatrical shows. I can teach theater skills to children and adults. I can teach business people how to use theater skills in the workplace to improve communication, facilitate team work and build morale. The job is often called CORPORATE TRAINER. I am a great public speaker.
Contact me if you can assist in any way.
______________________________________________________________________________
I’m in a bad place right now. Or to be more accurate I’ve been in a bad place for a while but I have had a few reprieves over the years that allowed me to delude myself that maybe things were changing. They weren’t. I’m very, very low.
Something needs to change in me or my life. Maybe both. I am unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same ‘place’ the same ‘conversation’ the same ‘argument’ for 20 years or more: “Why can’t I make any forward progress? What is wrong with me?”
I truly believe that I am a good person. I have skills and talents and ideas that are worthy of recognition. I believe I have something of worth and value to bring to the world.
Nonetheless despite believing in myself, my education, being ‘liked and respected’ I keep getting doors slammed in my face. I have neither the money nor the personal connections to help me rise above a lifetime of poverty. Yes, I said it POVERTY and I’m WHITE. I earn $5K -7K a year.
I don’t think it is possible to move up /make forward progress without assistance. Financial assistance and human. I see it everyday amongst the rich and wealthy. If you come from that world then family and friends provide opportunities for you, open doors help make connections, get you into jobs not available to anyone else maybe even create a job just for your needs and purposes. When you come from my side of the tracks to even suggest you need that kind of help is dismissed. It is outrageous to ‘expect’ people to help ‘just because YOU think you can do something’ you need to ‘prove yourself,’ ‘work hard,’ ‘make sacrifices.’
I’ve made sacrifices. More than most people might guess. I’ve suffered physical hardships in my life living without utilities, heat, and food. I’ve been ridiculed and marginalized. I’ve struggled and been at the bottom of more ladders than I can count. And I’ve lied about my happiness so others wouldn’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. The thinking that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is, in my experience, BS. Things happen because people either have the help they need or they don’t.
I need assistance. I am asking for assistance, I am begging. Something needs to change I can’t continue to be viewed as a loser by others and particularly not by myself.
What can I do? Act and direct theater is my number one best skill. I can also produce theatrical shows. I can teach theater skills to children and adults. I can teach business people how to use theater skills in the workplace to improve communication, facilitate team work and build morale. The job is often called CORPORATE TRAINER. I am a great public speaker.
Contact me if you can assist in any way.
______________________________________________________________________________
I’m in a bad place right now. Or to be more accurate I’ve been in a bad place for a while but I have had a few reprieves over the years that allowed me to delude myself that maybe things were changing. They weren’t. I’m very, very low.
Something needs to change in me or my life. Maybe both. I am unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same ‘place’ the same ‘conversation’ the same ‘argument’ for 20 years or more: “Why can’t I make any forward progress? What is wrong with me?”
I truly believe that I am a good person. I have skills and talents and ideas that are worthy of recognition. I believe I have something of worth and value to bring to the world.
Nonetheless despite believing in myself, my education, being ‘liked and respected’ I keep getting doors slammed in my face. I have neither the money nor the personal connections to help me rise above a lifetime of poverty. Yes, I said it POVERTY and I’m WHITE. I earn $5K -7K a year.
I don’t think it is possible to move up /make forward progress without assistance. Financial assistance and human. I see it everyday amongst the rich and wealthy. If you come from that world then family and friends provide opportunities for you, open doors help make connections, get you into jobs not available to anyone else maybe even create a job just for your needs and purposes. When you come from my side of the tracks to even suggest you need that kind of help is dismissed. It is outrageous to ‘expect’ people to help ‘just because YOU think you can do something’ you need to ‘prove yourself,’ ‘work hard,’ ‘make sacrifices.’
I’ve made sacrifices. More than most people might guess. I’ve suffered physical hardships in my life living without utilities, heat, and food. I’ve been ridiculed and marginalized. I’ve struggled and been at the bottom of more ladders than I can count. And I’ve lied about my happiness so others wouldn’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. The thinking that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is, in my experience, BS. Things happen because people either have the help they need or they don’t.
I need assistance. I am asking for assistance, I am begging. Something needs to change I can’t continue to be viewed as a loser by others and particularly not by myself.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Help fill my class
I am the instructor for the new Teen Improv class at comedy Sportz. We will meet 5 consecutive Sunday afternoons for 2 hours 3:30- 5:30. The 5th and last class will be a show for invited friends and family. Classes take place in a 3 story walk up studio in Center City easily accessible by train/subway/bus/bike/foot and car. Unfortunately, the studio is NOT handicap accessible.
I have been the main Comedy Sportz High School league instructor for about 10, 000 years and I love working with teenagers. The energy and enthusiasm they bring to the work is inspiring. We'll learn some improv /performance basics and as many games as we can learn and play well in 8 hours. I'll work at the level of the students enrolled so no one should be concerned about their skill or ability.
Improv is a great way to experience team work, creativity and spontaneous action in a fun and safe environment. Some of the "cheesy mantras" I emphasize with student classes are really the ones that everyone, adult and student, can use on stage --even dare i say it in life "make the OTHER person look good" "Take the WORK seriously not yourself" "I forgive myself"
I need a minimum of 8 students to make this class happen. If you know anyone who might be interested have them contact ComedySportz ASAP. Below is a link to sign up for the class. Deadline for sign up is 5PM Sept 10!
http://www.comedysportzphilly.com/college.html
I have been the main Comedy Sportz High School league instructor for about 10, 000 years and I love working with teenagers. The energy and enthusiasm they bring to the work is inspiring. We'll learn some improv /performance basics and as many games as we can learn and play well in 8 hours. I'll work at the level of the students enrolled so no one should be concerned about their skill or ability.
Improv is a great way to experience team work, creativity and spontaneous action in a fun and safe environment. Some of the "cheesy mantras" I emphasize with student classes are really the ones that everyone, adult and student, can use on stage --even dare i say it in life "make the OTHER person look good" "Take the WORK seriously not yourself" "I forgive myself"
I need a minimum of 8 students to make this class happen. If you know anyone who might be interested have them contact ComedySportz ASAP. Below is a link to sign up for the class. Deadline for sign up is 5PM Sept 10!
http://www.comedysportzphilly.com/college.html
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Now taking recommendations
My bike shop is dead. Gone. No more. An ex- shop. I can't say I'm surprised. Biketopia has had more than it's fair share of troubles in the past year or so. Having grown up in the family business I know how hard it is to run your own place. Because of that I do my best to support local, independent shops when I can. Sometimes I just can't. I wish things had turned out differently for Biketopia.
It took me 2 years to find a shop like Biketopia. A place where the owner knew my name, where the folks were friendly and knowledgeable. I can't tell you how many shops I went to where either the 20-something male staff ignored me because I'm not a 20-something hot babe, or the 30-something retired race staff turned bike sales guy was only interested in talking to current or retired racers, or the sales staff were friendly to the point of smothering but didn't know squat about bikes, or if they did, tried to talk me into something I already knew I didn't want, or the staff were bike nerds without any social skills counting the minutes until I'd leave them alone so they could scuttle back behind the counter or into the shop and tinker with tools. I can't say it was as bad as shopping for a car or house but it was right up there.
Frank was different. He listened, he knew his shit and didn't try to up or down sell me anything. He knew my name and took care of my bike. I liked stopping by and having a chat on my way to or from a show or class.
I have many unkind words for rude customers and shady distributors, thieving employees and large chain stores. But I'd rather remember Biketopia as a great place to hang out and a reliable shop and a swell owner.
My dilemma now is...where do I take the cat bird? Who is going to help me with the Hercules restoration? Where am I going to hang out for 45 mins between classes or shows?
Now taking recommendations for locally owned bike shop with friendly, knowledgeable staff, reasonably priced equipment, not afraid of middle aged lesbians who never raced a bike and don't intend to start now, who like women and encourage riders of all styles and abilities with advice, suggested repairs/upgrades and have a few fun stories and jokes to share. If you know a shop like this or ARE a shop like this drop me a line.
Here's wishing you all the best Frank.
Cheers!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Back to...whatever
Camp is over. 'Guys and Dolls' went well. I was very pleased with the overall performances. I wasn't happy at all with the lack of a set, but there are things beyond my control regarding camp, set design being one of them. It is always a pleasure to work with the other creative staff, it helps me remember I'm really pretty good at what I do.
I now return to my 'normal' state of unemployment and auditioning for whatever comes along. I'm teaching again in the fall but have not confirmed which class specifically. Nothing much came of working at Philly Shakespeare. To date, I haven't heard from them about auditioning or working for them again and only 1 casting person mentioned they had seen the show I was in but made no comment as to my performance. I assuming right now I'll be back to the anonymous background.
I haven't been able to ride this summer. In January I was diagnosed with fibroids and they make riding uncomfortable. I am strongly considering surgery. Although my symptoms are tolerable, I can't bend over, lift or carry heavy weight, I get tired really fast and now I can't ride. If I lived the 9 -5 admin life I suppose I could adjust and accommodate and move on. Since I like to move, I want to ride, I don't like being exhausted all the time and I don't want to gamble on if or when the fibroids will grow large enough to cause more sever symptoms I'd like to have them removed. Right now, they are distorting my abdomen a bit and making me appear much heavier than I really am. I fully own my overweight body but I'm really hating my physical appearance right now.
The fibroid thing has been emotionally overwhelming sending me alternately from denial and ignoring them to obsessing over every little thing. I've shared with a large number of people my general state of being but it is difficult to really communicate how upsetting this condition is and I'm not feeling very supported right now with the lone exception of my wife. It is TOTALLY benign so folks assume, I guess, it's no big deal or they think it is a big deal and can't handle it so they talk about their own trouble ad nausea. I end up doing more supporting and checking in and making others feel better about their lives without much in return. I know WHA WHA WHA get over yourself. I'm not in that place right now, right now everything IS personal, 'cause it's my body and how it functions and what it looks like and that takes precedence over anything else. One of the more stressful things is the choices of treating fibroids range from hysterectomy (YIKES!) to ignore them. I'm somewhere in the middle. I just want them out and my uterus in. Seems simple enough but apparently the medical and insurance world disagree.
The experience has left me feeling isolated, something I already felt. I understand when I'm out and about and auditioning and directing and all it appears I'm exaggerating or seeking attention. I think maybe this is just one of those things that if you haven't experienced you just don't get it. In the meantime I'm just trying to live my life. I'll figure out what adjustments I need to make until surgery happens and I'll deal with after surgery, well, after surgery whenever that happens.
Anyway, fibroids replaced riding this summer and I'm just doing my best to live a normal life while figuring our what to do next.
I now return to my 'normal' state of unemployment and auditioning for whatever comes along. I'm teaching again in the fall but have not confirmed which class specifically. Nothing much came of working at Philly Shakespeare. To date, I haven't heard from them about auditioning or working for them again and only 1 casting person mentioned they had seen the show I was in but made no comment as to my performance. I assuming right now I'll be back to the anonymous background.
I haven't been able to ride this summer. In January I was diagnosed with fibroids and they make riding uncomfortable. I am strongly considering surgery. Although my symptoms are tolerable, I can't bend over, lift or carry heavy weight, I get tired really fast and now I can't ride. If I lived the 9 -5 admin life I suppose I could adjust and accommodate and move on. Since I like to move, I want to ride, I don't like being exhausted all the time and I don't want to gamble on if or when the fibroids will grow large enough to cause more sever symptoms I'd like to have them removed. Right now, they are distorting my abdomen a bit and making me appear much heavier than I really am. I fully own my overweight body but I'm really hating my physical appearance right now.
The fibroid thing has been emotionally overwhelming sending me alternately from denial and ignoring them to obsessing over every little thing. I've shared with a large number of people my general state of being but it is difficult to really communicate how upsetting this condition is and I'm not feeling very supported right now with the lone exception of my wife. It is TOTALLY benign so folks assume, I guess, it's no big deal or they think it is a big deal and can't handle it so they talk about their own trouble ad nausea. I end up doing more supporting and checking in and making others feel better about their lives without much in return. I know WHA WHA WHA get over yourself. I'm not in that place right now, right now everything IS personal, 'cause it's my body and how it functions and what it looks like and that takes precedence over anything else. One of the more stressful things is the choices of treating fibroids range from hysterectomy (YIKES!) to ignore them. I'm somewhere in the middle. I just want them out and my uterus in. Seems simple enough but apparently the medical and insurance world disagree.
The experience has left me feeling isolated, something I already felt. I understand when I'm out and about and auditioning and directing and all it appears I'm exaggerating or seeking attention. I think maybe this is just one of those things that if you haven't experienced you just don't get it. In the meantime I'm just trying to live my life. I'll figure out what adjustments I need to make until surgery happens and I'll deal with after surgery, well, after surgery whenever that happens.
Anyway, fibroids replaced riding this summer and I'm just doing my best to live a normal life while figuring our what to do next.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The thing is...
Apparently there was an article this week in the New York Times about actor award cermonies in the theater. From the Tony's to regional and local award ceremonies almost everyone quoted in the article was overwhelmingly in favor. Duh! They gained the most from these dog and pony shows. They justify the awards by stating it launched their career or puts the stamp of "quality" on a company / production / performer / Director et al. Funders want to know their money is going to a 'quality' show. Producers want to hire 'quality' people with a proven track record. And of course everyone believes their awards to be 'fair' and 'unbiased'
The things is, it's art and by it's very nature it is biased. And the deeper entrenched the awards the more the advocates promote them as god given evidence that they are The Best XYZ.
One person, yes, one single person, an actual multi award winner in Florida stood up to say how bogus it all is. That it is difficult enough for actors to get work and make their work without the added pressure of being 'judged'
It is no secret that I think it is wonderful to see nice things, flattering, over the top things about yourself in the press. Were I to win an award I would feel...what exactly? I'm not sure because in my heart of hearts I don't need a shiny trophy to tell me I'm good at what I do. I already know it. Happy yes, a public victory, yes but a hollow personal one.
I often work with middle and high school students in theater and related projects to pay the bills. Children are obsessed with awards because it is often the only way they have of evaluating where they stand in the 'pack order' of their peers and they believe that such awards are indications of greatness yet to come.
One of my friends sent me this link today. High School Tony Awards. It made me laugh because the categories are so much like real high school theater awards. I also started thinking that adult awards shows, like the Tony's or the Philadelphia Barrymores or whatever the regional theater awards are in your local area would be a hell of a lot more fun and interesting if we all finally admitted what was really important...like "Best Daughter of a Director In a Leading Role" and "Most Sexual Tension Created in a Pre-Show Back Rub Circle"
High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds
The things is, it's art and by it's very nature it is biased. And the deeper entrenched the awards the more the advocates promote them as god given evidence that they are The Best XYZ.
One person, yes, one single person, an actual multi award winner in Florida stood up to say how bogus it all is. That it is difficult enough for actors to get work and make their work without the added pressure of being 'judged'
It is no secret that I think it is wonderful to see nice things, flattering, over the top things about yourself in the press. Were I to win an award I would feel...what exactly? I'm not sure because in my heart of hearts I don't need a shiny trophy to tell me I'm good at what I do. I already know it. Happy yes, a public victory, yes but a hollow personal one.
I often work with middle and high school students in theater and related projects to pay the bills. Children are obsessed with awards because it is often the only way they have of evaluating where they stand in the 'pack order' of their peers and they believe that such awards are indications of greatness yet to come.
One of my friends sent me this link today. High School Tony Awards. It made me laugh because the categories are so much like real high school theater awards. I also started thinking that adult awards shows, like the Tony's or the Philadelphia Barrymores or whatever the regional theater awards are in your local area would be a hell of a lot more fun and interesting if we all finally admitted what was really important...like "Best Daughter of a Director In a Leading Role" and "Most Sexual Tension Created in a Pre-Show Back Rub Circle"
High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds
Friday, May 30, 2008
Harevey Korman
I woke up this morning to hear that Harvey Korman had died. I was truly sad. I understand from reading articles and watching 'behind the scenes' style tv programming that Mr. Korman was not always easy to work with but I think he was a great on screen comedian.
I grew up watching the Carol Burnett Show. Sketches featuring Tim Conway and Harvey Korman were a treat! They made the work look easy and joyful. I imagined how wonderful it must be to be them.
I watched an inhuman amount of television as a child. I watched hours of old movies and TV shows that were long ago put on the shelf. Today I guess folks have TV Land as a resource but 'back in my day we didn't have cable tv we watched what the networks ran and we liked it!'
And it's true. I liked every bit of it. I watched a lot of 'Sesame Street' that had many sophisticated jokes and story lines that helped shape my sense of humor. I watched 'The Electric Company' with Rita Moreno "HEY YOU GUUUUUUUYSSSS!" I watched The Marx Brothers, Three Stooges, Abbott and Costello, and Road To movies. I watched all of the various Lucy shows. As a teenager I watched Carol Burnett and Monty Python and Benny Hill. For my 8th birthday my dad took me to a matinée of 'The AppleDumpling Gang' featuring Tim Conway, who at the time I knew from the tv show McHales' Navy.
My sense of humor was shaped by all of these sources and more: Danny Kaye, Red Skelton, Buddy Hackett, Bob Hope, Jimmy Durante, Mae West, The Little Rascals. I'm sure I've missed about 1000 others but if they were on TV between 1969 and 2008 I've seen them.
Bravo Mr. Korman. Bravo!
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