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Photo by Jessica Kourkounis

Click the title above to read the fabulous lead in to my show "Cecily and Gwendolyn's Fantastical Balloon Ride" Starts January 13 and runs thru Jan 31 .

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May as well finish

This is Currituck Light house in Currituck North Carolina on the Outer Banks. I have been going here with my partner and her family on vacation for over 10 + years. I LOVE lighthouses. This one is interesting as it is a twin to Bodie Light house further south on the island. I don't recall which lighthouse is slightly taller by a few feet, t that's one difference between them. The other is that Bodie is painted black and white and Currituck was left in it's original red brick. And you can climb Currituck light as well, you may only peer up the spiral stairs at Bodie.

The north end of the island has become, imho, overdeveloped. Perhaps you vacation there and would tell me that all the new development is welcome and needed. But I say the very elements that make going to the Outer Banks interesting and special for me are the unspoiled dunes, the wildlife and the fact people are not, as my more urban students might say, 'all up in your grill.'

Case in point, the wild horses that live there and have done for CENTURIES were once considered an attraction. It was a REASON to go to the island. Now that Martha and Joe McMillions and Stacy and Sam Wannabe have built their sprawling seaside row homes that sleep 20 -30 people the horses became a 'nuisance.' They got in the way of the over privileged driving their land rovers and sports cars. They shat in front of the house and ate the non native lawn and flowers so carefully selected for that special Martha Stewart I-live-better-than-you-do look.

Concessions were made. Currituck is a poor county and became enthralled with the money it could make from these McMansions and subsequent strip mall chain stores. The land was plowed under, gated communities went up and the horses were, as the Native Americans before them, 'relocated'

Despite the continuing development of this once lovely barrier island I still enjoy my visits but admittedly less and less. If I wanted Jersey I'd stay at home. When we go we stay in Southern Shores about 18 - 20 miles south of Currituck light. It has been a dream of mine for over 5 years to bike up and back to the lighthouse. In my dream the weather is fine. Not too hot, not too cold. There is nominal wind and always at my back. And the scenery and smells are heavenly.

2 years ago I was able to do half this dream ride. I rode FROM the lighthouse back to our rental home and promptly collapsed in the hot tub. It was then I discovered the healing properties of hot water and strong jets!

Due to health issues I was not able to ride at all last year. So this year I was DETERMINED I would realize my dream. Besides it is also part way to reaching a larger dream, of riding 100 miles in a single day. To this end (and for general health reasons) I started working with a trainer at my gym. This, combined with the fact that for the past 3 years the weather has been picture perfect (clear skies, mid 70's, no wind) almost the entire week, instilled me with a smug confidence.

And here is where life tests me. How badly did I want to realize this goal? What was I willing to do, where was the line drawn? This year it was overcast every day but Tuesday , our 3rd day there. This year the temperatures were in the mid 60's and the wind blew every day. Each night I would look to the forecast and send out a prayer to the weather gods and each morning they greeted me with a big "PTHW!"

On Friday October 16th 2009 the temperature was an average of 52 degrees. It was raining - well, misty in Southern Shores and outright pouring in Currituck. The wind ranged from 7 - 14 mph with 18mph gusts.

And I rode. I had help. My sister-in-law Judy rode up with me and Diane was to ride back with me.

The first 5 miles I thought "this isn't so bad" and around mile 10 I thought "I'm am crazy this was a BAD idea." At mile 14 when the wind was blowing so hard I felt like I wasn't moving, I was cold and soaked I through "I am NOT going to do a return trip, this is madness." That's also about when I started singing "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" making up my own somewhat bawdy verses.

And although the land is relatively flat my guess is that it is about a slight 3% uphill grade. Between that and the wind I was feeling cranky. I wanted to give up. I thought this was a terrible idea. I thought if it was sunny I'd be baking alive. I thought it is so developed now I could easily get hit and fatally injured because no one expects to see a cyclist out here. I thought this feels like when my trainer makes me hold a plank position or do wall squats and my body is screaming. And then I thought YEAH! That's exactly it. Isn't that why you started training so you could do exactly THIS? And don't I always make it through? YES! And when it hurts so much and you think you can't finish what happens then? - Usually Kevin (my trainer) says something like "only 20 more seconds" and I think "oh - only 20 more seconds...well if I've done it this long surely I can hold out another 20 seconds."

When Judy and I arrived at the light house Diane and the 'support team' weren't there yet. We were cold and tired and hungry and soaked. I suggested we keep moving, keep riding around the park that surrounds the lighthouse to keep warm. I told Judy maybe I shouldn't ride back and she said if Diane didn't want to do it, she was already soaked so why not make the return trip? Besides it'll be easier because it's mostly down hill. For 20 seconds hated her. I was looking for a way out, an excuse, a logical reason why I couldn't do this thing that I've dreamed of doing for years. Damn accountability! Right then I knew I was going to finish this thing whether I wanted to or not. And then I realized I didn't REALLY want to quit I was just unhappy with the weather but, like Judy said, like I've learned at the gym, as long as I've done this much I may as well finish. And my hate turned to admiration for this person who was willing to literally go the extra 20 miles in so many ways to help me realize MY dream.

Diane arrived. I ate a sandwich, mounted up and headed back home. The rain wasn't coming down quite so hard. The road is a 'downhill' grade. Diane led almost the entire way so I didn't need to work so hard and as long as I kept moving I didn't feel as cold.

So I did it! I finished my goal. It wasn't like I dreamed it would be. I tried to get out of it but realized when push came to shove I didn't want to get out of it I just wanted different circumstances. And isn't that the way of many things in life? And it feels good to have done it. I didn't do it out of obligation or because someone else chose this task for me. This is something that I wanted for me and I did it for me.

I continue to keep looking for ways to incorporate this new found personal motto in all the areas of my life - I've already done this much I may as well finish. At least where it applies to the things that I want to do for myself. My hopes, my dreams, my goals, my life being lived for me.

The next ride is TBA. I do know the next epic ride (because now 40 miles is a given) has to be 60 miles and then as long as I've done 60 I may as well finish up with 100!

UNAMERICAN health care reform

Here's my facts and thoughts:

I am considered an "Independent Contractor" All actors are. I might get hired to do a show but I'm not an employee I'm no different than a carpenter or plumber - except they make $80/hour. I make a little less than $15/hour (if you are non union it's more like $3-$5/hour.) A wage many Americans believe is way over the top for actors.

I cannot afford private health insurance. I tried that route over a decade ago and I couldn't afford it then (roughly $250/mos) I know for a fact I couldn't afford it now and I'm sure prices have only gone up. Those I know who pay for insurance out of pocket pay $400 - $600/mos + co-pays.

I am well educated and have a 4 year college degree.

I earn between $5000 to $8000 a year depending on what work I can find. Yes, that is five thousand to eight thousand. There are no zeros missing. I earn roughly $400 - $600/mos BEFORE taxes.

I do not own a car.

Due to credit card interest rates and what I call designer fees - those fees that are added on for no specific reason I am in debt I don't seem able to escape. I once had a low credit card balance that I was close to paying off. I am now carrying $6500 in credit card debt and can't get ahead.

I do not work in an office or any other job that looks like a typical "9 - 5" (if there ever was such a thing.)

I have worked at a few offices in various industries as low or middle management - so I could have health insurance. I traded my career and opportunities for health insurance. I experienced "rationing." I was "free" to chose my own doctor so long as they were pre-approved by the insurance company - which is to say my "free choice" was limited - very, very, very limited.

Those trade offs helped pay the bills yet still left me financially struggling. I didn't earn enough to have any savings, everything went to rent, utilities, school loans, public transportation, and food. These trade offs also left me physically and mentally ill from severe stress - unable to perform my "real" job well and unable to perform in my "chosen career" very well either. Leaving them was not a choice I made easily or took lightly but it came down, ironically, to my health.

Actors Equity offers health insurance to actors who have 12 weeks of work with companies that pay into the insurance plan. Most shows these days are roughly 5 weeks. So you need 3 shows in 12 consecutive months at eligible companies. If you qualify it costs $400/year + co-pays. Your choice of doctors is limited to the pre approved list, your procedures are rationed and you must continue to keep working as they review your work weeks every quarter. So long as you have 12 work weeks at eligible theaters - looking back each quarter -- you're good to go, otherwise, you get placed on COBRA - i.e. you pay out of pocket, and if you still don't get any work you are off the roles.

I have only once in my 20 year career had 12 weeks of eligible work. I do not normally have enough weeks or if I do they are not with companies that pay into the Union's insurance so I do not qualify for health insurance thru my Union.

I don't currently have any life threatening health issues that I am aware of. I do not have any chronic conditions like diabetes or asthma or high blood pressure. I do have allergies. I have recently had several benign diseases that are "typical" of someone for my gender / age.

Due to some of these benign diseases I have spent a lot of time in hospitals and doctors' offices this past year. I am certain about 50% of that time was what the medical industry calls "defensive" medicine. That is to say while we were all "mostly" sure I didn't have anything life threatening there was still an outside chance - and if I was the 1 in the "1 in a million" I could potentially sue the pants off them for NOT testing me, even though we we were all "pretty sure" it was nothing serious.

I was in Dallas on a job one time and became seriously ill. I started to black out and was taken to an ER. I contacted my primary doctor on my release so they would know what happened. My then insurance company declined to pay for the visit stating I should have seen my Primary Doctor before going to the ER. Apparently the fact that I live in Philadelphia and was ill in Dallas Texas made no difference.

I was told I was overusing the ER. At the time I had only been to the ER twice in my life and that was about 15 yeas prior to this incident.

I am on a list serv for women who have a similar condition as my own. Many, many women post that their insurance providers decline to pay for a less dramatic treatment. Many of these women are also limited as to which Doctors they can see and how long they must wait for treatment. That's happening right now - here in the USA.

I have been very fortunate these past 10 years or so to be covered by my partner's health insurance, including dental insurance.

My partner's company is on financially rocky ground right now much like every other small business in America.

Our dental insurance was recently canceled because my partner's company had been in arrears with the dental insurance company several times this past year. So, once they were all paid up they were dropped. No discussion.

How long before the company drops health coverage? OR gets dropped by the insurance company? What if they go under where do I or my partner get insurance? ; Because now I have a bucket load of "pre existing" conditions.

So here's what I think...for those who already have some sort of employer based insurance ask yourself how long can they keep that up? How long before it is just "too expensive" or they begin to take larger chunks out of your paycheck?

What are your options if your employer drops health insurance coverage? Are you so sure? Have you ever actually called around to try and find insurance? Ever asked how much, what they cover, and what happens if you end up needing to use it?

Are you someone who thinks that only the poor / black/Hispanic and illegal aliens are trying to get on the health care system? Really? Try meeting ANYONE in any artistic field and ask about their health care coverage. Ask anyone who has been downsized /l aid off / fired recently and now works as a "consultant" or "free lance." Ask any "independent contractor" in any field what it is like for them, how much do they take home a month and how much do they pay just to 'have' insurance let alone the co-pays deductibles etc. I bet you'll find a lot of people like me - white, well educated and SOL.

Why is it OK to spend billions and trillions of dollars on various wars but zero on our own people?

Are we not Americans? Why can't we take care of our own? What is wrong with us? I hear daily rants from the Religious Right about family values and what would Jesus do. I think Jesus would take care of everybody. I think there is good evidence to support that idea in the Bible.

Why is national health care evil yet a FREE and PUBLIC education - one that is enjoyed by millions of Americans -- is expected?

I don't see anyone talking about the socialist library - you know the FREE PUBLIC library system that was started by FOUNDING FATHER BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

You have no issues with the free highway system. You sure as hell expect the Fire company to come to your house if you have a fire - I don't see anyone proposing that putting out fires is socialist and insisting on privately operated fire companies.

And why not? Because it is the right thing to do when one lives in a civilized society. See, I always thought being American meant we looked out for our own. We took care of our people, we understand that education and public safety - of which health and health care is part and parcel, are part of being in a community. The community of America.

Instead, in my lifetime, under the banner of AMERICA we have become more divided than ever - every man/woman/child/ for themselves. United we stand? Fuck that I am my own special island of independence. Let those European, hippie-commie- countries take care of their sick and elderly and kids and send their kids to college and graduate school. Let them find ways of being energy independent. This is AMERICA and here in AMERICA we PAY through the nose for everything privately. We get into bed with large oil, we underfund our schools and cut their programs, take away viable grants and financial aid for our kids to go to college. This is 21st century AMERICA this is not our hippie- commie past when we gave homes and college opportunities to GI's - NO FUCKING WAY! NOT IN MY AMERICA! You want to go to college GI then pony up $30000, buy a house on your own damn time and stop looking for a handout.

I am ashamed of my fellow citizens who can't look past their own nose and see we need to come together as a nation. We are ALL Americans and we are all equally deserving of a better life - better than we have now and better than before. We can't do it privately. We need each other.

I happen to feel that making a profit off someone's life and heath is extremely immoral and as about UN AMERICAN as it gets.

Hostile to liars

I received some feedback about a workshop I ran a few months back. The workshop is new for me. It was the first one, a beta test if you will and still has some bugs to be worked out. It was a risk on my part but I put perfectionism aside. I trusted that as long as I am genuine, truthful and committed to the subject people will be accepting. We can all learn something. I explained to the first ever participants of said workshop the inspiration for it, my future plans for developing the workshop and that I was open to constructive feedback from them on future improvements.

I don't know when the participants completed their online survey, but I am only now receiving the comments. Most comments were complimentary and instructive. They did not state anything that was not said to me at the workshop itself OR they were comments about changes that I am already aware need to be addressed. You don't teach for 15 years and not have some idea of where changes need to be made.

On the other hand, some participants seem to believe it is ok to outright lie about the experience. 1 states they arrived "1 hour late." No one arrive 1 hour late, 1 person arrived about 20 mins late but no one was 1 hour late. 1 stated that I appeared to have no focus and was just doing random exercises despite the fact the first thing I do for any workshop is to explain the purpose and focus. Another states they had no opportunity to give or receive feedback although I gave everyone ample opportunity to speak with me directly before, during, and after the workshop. These statements are 100 % lies.

It is not my habit to feel hostile to feedback. One's experience is one's experience. However, no one has ever outright lied about their participation before. I don't take kindly to liars. In fact, I AM hostile to liars.

If you arrived late and missed the explanation and point of focus for the class that is on you to ask at break, not my fault. Where I was trained arriving late meant you were not allowed to take the class, no matter how valid your reason for being late, but this isn't that sort of organization.

If you did not take away anything useful from my class that is a valid comment. I have taken workshops with some "FAMOUS NEW YORK" and "FAMOUS CHICAGO" improvisers that left no significant impression on me. I did not blame the instructor for my lack of enthusiasm, it was simply not a good fit.

If you felt over/under experienced for this class - that is valid - note taken. Perhaps the description of the workshop needs to be clarified so students understand what they are paying for.

If you felt my time management was poor that is a valid comment. If you felt you wanted more time or more information about an exercise that is valid. Those are personal experiences and constructive feedback. Some of these concerns I plan to address. Some of them I have no intention of addressing because this is a different methodology than what many people are accustomed to. It is understandable that it would touch a few nerves.

But under no circumstances do these comments require additional personal digs at me. The purpose of surveys is to aid in improving the experience, not to make the commenter feel like a big shot by bringing someone - in this case me- down.

I am REALLY REALLY hostile toward people who make themselves feel better by belittling others.

So liar(s), whoever you are, I hope I don't run into you on stage, at a show, at an audition, or at the bars because, unlike you, I have no problem speaking my mind, owning my opinions and telling the truth with my name on it.

Childhood hero RIP

David Carradine played my favorite TV show character ever...That of Kwai Chang Caine on the TV series Kung Fu. That show and Carradine's character in particular had a huge influence in developing my sense of right and wrong, and the 'way of the world'.

I later saw David Carradine in The Long Riders, Box Car Bertha, and Bound For Glory. No doubt this man was a consummate actor making the hard stuff appear effortless and easy. He was a great actor who was underestimated by many.

I've read all kinds of 'insider' stories and anecdotes about him and much of it was unflattering. It seems to me he lead a troubled life, and perhaps, it is a miracle he didn't kill himself a long time ago. I've also read many stories about him being a kind and generous person, quick with a smile and great to work with.

Whatever the case... his TV and film persona's were my heroes and I will miss him.

Change is HARD

'K

I've been struggling to keep up. I have so many things I intend to do for ME for 2009. I made a list then paired it down to about 5 or 6 items that I wanted to either accomplish or undertake in 2009. For some items I'm more than half way through. The year isn't over and I've almost finished some goals. I should feel great and instead I feel like I'm not working hard enough or that I set the bar too low. And that's not true because it's been a struggle to get as much done as I have. If anything perhaps I set the bar too high. I'm feeling burnt out.

I'm in need of some balance. I'm a slow burn. I'm your long haul truck not your speedy delivery.

And this thought has been seeping into my mind ever so slowly....
Simple, positive encouragement, reinforced over and over again is a great antidote to JUDGMENT. I want so much to be done with judgment. It feels like a sickness. It feels out of my control I pass judgments on others and I hear and see people judging me or other people and I don't feel good. I need to stop for my own good. This has proven easier said than done but I'm not giving up.

I don't know who to credit for this quote and I've probably mangled it...but I like it:

"God himself sir, does not presume to judge a man 'till the END of his days, what gives you the right to judge me now?"

Stephanie Banx - I'm in this series..WATCH IT

Stephanie Banx "FAKEBOOK" - Segment TWO from Stephanie Banx on Vimeo.

Schuylkill River Bicycle Trail

Last weekend I did the charity ride for Girls with Gears with Diane and our friend Lou. Afterward, Lou asked if we would be interested in joining him on a regular weekend ride. We said yes. I did not think Lou meant we would start this weekend.

Mid week, Diane told me Lou had called and asked if we wanted to ride on Sunday. I was hesitant at first. We had a fundraiser to attend Saturday night and Diane was on the committee that organized the event so we were both going to be doing set-up and breakdown. A recent medical checkup revealed I have more health concerns to deal with this year and the stress of more upcoming testing has been weighing me down. I had other things to do as well, like get a hair cut and cut the grass and do laundry, my 1pm training appointment with Kevin at the gym and my favorite pass time of all, feel sorry for myself after a disappointing audition. There was no way to do all of that PLUS go for a ride. After my list of excuses the fun of riding would not be denied. What about that lifetime goal of a century ride? What about doing a 35 or 45 mile charity ride by fall time ? What about improving my riding skills, or how great I feel physically and emotionally when I ride or, how much fun Lou is to ride with? So I agreed. We would ride on Sunday.

The plan was to start at 23rd and Locust and ride the path to the Art Museum. I thought we were to meet up in the city at 8AM. After the fundraiser on Saturday night we got to bed around midnight. I set my alarm for 6:45 so I'd have time to eat and get the dog out, load the bikes, and get to the city with enough time to find parking.

Sunday the alarm went off and it was brutal. I hardly slept due to, let's call it 'dietary indiscretion.' I didn't get up until 7:15. I knew we were going to be late and felt bad about that but was feeling far worse physically. Around 7:45 Lou showed up at our house...I don't know if he came by because he had a change of plans or if we just misunderstood the plan from the get-go but boy was I happy to see him! The new plan was to head to Manyunk and ride the Schuykill River bike path.

I have never been on this path and was under the misconception that it was a gravel or hard dirt path. It is not. It is entirely paved. And FLAT! We never discuseed how far we were going to ride, just that I needed to be back to the car in time to get to the gym by 1 so i could train with Kevin. We were joined by Lou's friend Adena who is also a veteran of long distance rides. We got a good pace on at around 14 mph and rode out to Valley Forge and back in 2.5 hours including a few rest stops along the way.

This was a great ride. I appreciated the flat miles. It's really pretty along the way. It was around 87-90 degress but low humidity and at that pace we generated our own wind so it wasn't overly hot. We refilled water bottles and used the bathroom at Valley Forge and headed on back. I now have a tentative date to ride with Lou on Sunday mornings .

I went from the ride to the gym with a brief stop at WaWa for a sandwich and more Gatorade. My trainer, Kevin, was both happy that I was riding and sad because he had planned a big lower body/leg workout. We did back-triceps-abs instead. We agreed to maybe find another day to work out so I don't overlaod myself like that again. Still I think he was impressed that I was willing and able to push myelf to the limit. Which probably means next time we meet my body will be sad for days.

Stuff to remember:

I wish I had eaten more before the ride. I started off on a banana and half a berry muffin and some tea. I wish I had a second water bottle because I'm not in top condition and I was feeling thirsty along the route but trying to conserve the water I had. I wish I had a little snack to eat along the way and some food at the car when I got back.

Stuff I did right:

I put on sunscreen and only missed a small area on one arm at my jersey cuff. We had gatordae in a small cooler in the car which I downed almost in one gulp.

Today I feel like I got hit by a truck. I've been drining a lot of water and eating small amounts of protein and carbs every few hours. I got up at 7, ate a yogurt and took some motrin and went back to bed with ice for my back. I slept another 4 hours and felt a lot better. Just taking it easy today. I never did cut the grass, but I did laundry and got a hair cut and had no time to host my pity party so all in all a great weekend.

I'm trying to embrace a new outlook. The pessimistic / fatalistic one I've lived with for so long has protected me a lot but hasn't moved me forward the way I'd like. On the theory one need to do something different to yeild different results, I'm trying to find something good in my circumstances. I'm deeply frustrated by a lack of acting work, and paying temp work. However, because I have no firm commitments I've been able to get to more auditions in NYC and take time to care for myself - like today's recovery or upcoming medical tests and that's a good thing. And I'm feeling really good these days - physically anyway - so I intend to keep it up.

STOP IT STORM!

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

GWG 2009 pics

Just a some of the folks coming back from rides

Lou's very sweet Cologno

Lou checking over my bike before the ride
Di's Gitane in foreground
















The pavilion area around lunch time. There were many more people at the event than this pic shows.

Girls With Gears 2009 – The wrap up.

GWG 2009 Post ride photo (l-r) Diane, Lou, me

First let me say thank you! I was able to raise $325, $75 more than my pledge goal! The event overall raised $50,000 from rider pledges.

This was my second charity ride and my first time back on my bike in over a year. Since high school I have always been “into” cycling and have 2 lifetime goals – 1 is to complete a 100 mile ride (aka century.) The other is to ride across the country. While this ride was only 10 miles I had to take off a few months of any sort of exercise while recovering from recent surgery so this ride was big deal for me and hopefully the start of many great things to come.

Joining me on the ride was my lovely wife, Diane and our friend Lou. Lou is a very experienced rider with over 20 years riding experience. He does the huge charity rides like the California AIDS ride which covers 750 miles over the course of a week. Everyone needs Lou or some like him on a ride. He is friendly, encouraging and thoroughly knowledgeable without being condescending or a busybody. Lou is someone who rides for the sheer joy riding and wants everyone around him to experience the joy.

The weather held up nicely for us as well. Far from the predicted cold, wind, and rain we had a warm gentle breeze and just enough sun to make it a cheerful Sunday morning. We couldn’t have ordered up better conditions, not too hot, not too cold but juussst right!

The event took place at the Limerick Community Park and Pavilion. There were 1000 registered riders who participated in various rides from 62.5 miles (a metric century) to 42, 25 and the 10 mile ride. We arrived at the event around 8:45 am. The longer rides had left around 7am or so. The parking at the pavilion was full so we were directed to the ‘overflow’ parking about 1.5 miles down the road. We parked and started to unload the bikes. Lou immediately began assisting 2 women pumping their tires and getting them set up on their mountain bikes. His sweet carbon frame Cologno was set up in seconds. Diane had her 1975 Gitane – another very sweet ride and I had the Catbird – my Jamis Coda Sport hybrid. We rode back to the park and registered and after looking over the size of the 10 mile group chose to depart on our own.

Diane had a few mechanical issues getting started. Her chain kept jumping off the gears and getting stick between the cranks and the frame. Lou got her set up and back on the road ASAP. A short while later we met up with some folks who were having troubles with their brakes, again Lou jumped off and had them back on the road in less than 5 mins.

The 10 mile route was rolling hills, challenging but doable. And of course what goes up must come down. At one point we came to a nice downhill ' s 'curve . Lou took off as did Diane. Per Lou’s bike computer they clocked around 35 -40 mph. Me? I’m a big scaredy cat and went down a little more cautiously at 18- 20 mph. A few hills later I passed Di who had pulled over to walk a bit but she got back on and passed me soon enough.

Along the route we passed a working farm. The farmer was in his driveway smiling and shouting out encouragement to everyone who passed. The riders and the event staff and even many of the local residents, like that farmer, were all very supportive and ready to help. When Lou was working on freeing Diane's chain a guy who lived in a home across the road came running out with a bike pump assuming we had a flat. We thanked him and told him the deal and he waved us on our way. It was great feeling.

There were photographers taking pictures of the riders as we left and returned from our rides at the Pavilion. Outback provided lunch – a choice of salads, pasta and grilled chicken. Volunteers had oranges and bananas and Luna bars. Starbucks provided coffee and there were various flavors of sports drink and water donated by Giant and volunteers. A lot of vendors jewelry, clothing, bike related stuff who donated part of their sales to Carol For Heart , free heart health screenings, massage and lots of good cheer all the way around.

After lunch Lou shared some inspiring stories of the big rides he’s completed. I was choked up several times. It is amazing how something as simple as a bike ride can change so many lives – the riders, the volunteers and the beneficiaries.

This was a great experience and something I will definitely be doing again next year.

RIP Shadow

Early this morning I lost my "canine nephew" Shadow to a fast moving and extensive cancer. Diagnosed in mid March he was given 1 - 2 months to live. I had been planning to drive down to Virginia to visit with him today. Last night Bill called to tell us Shadow wasn't doing well. Diane said she just had a feeling he wouldn't make it through the night. Sure enough, Bill called us at 7AM to say Shadow was gone.

He was an amazing dog. Very affable and a great ambassador for canines everywhere. Easy to train, easy to live with. He loved to play doggie soccer. Whenever the ball would get stuck at a fence he would stand and lean over it barking at it, willing it move on its own and get back in the game. He loved to play tug and would kindly let you win. Shadow was only about 6 months older than Titan- my first basenji and they were best of friends. We are sure that he knew just how hard this was on his family. Yesterday Bill said he sat outside sitting in the sun letting the wind blow his floppy ears, a favorite pastime, but he had stopped eating and was breathing heavily. They told us his breathing eased over night and he seemed he might hold on this morning but by 7 he passed.

There is no good way to lose an animal friend. Passing away or being put to sleep, old age, or illness, old, or young, there just is never a good way to say goodbye. It is cliche but dogs really do live in the moment and live 100%. Dogs don't generally hold back anything they are feeling, which is why, I believe dog lovers are so attracted to them, why it is so easy to bond emotionally with them and why it is so devastating to lose them. Dogs give us a dose of love, companionship, devotion, trust, and loyalty over an average of 12 years in a quantity rarely matched by many humans in 70+ years of life. Perhaps we dole out our enthusiasm for life, for love and each other in smaller quantities because we know we have so long to live. I have read that many humans, when given a fatal diagnosis, become more like the reformed Scrooge in Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Again, cliche I know, but why do we wait? Why do we hold back? It makes me wonder about our 'civilization' a place where we are free to express hate, anger and all forms of judgment and opinion but can't muster up the same intensity of love, friendship and devotion.

Is it becasue dogs have no sense of time, that we understand anyway, that they truly live the adage "live like there are no tommorows" Or are they just naturally free from self judgemet, unaffected by opinions, unfettered by social custom.

I am intensely sad. I wanted so much to see Shadow before he died. I will miss him terribly. If there is an afterlife, a rainbow bridge, I hope my Titan and Shadow are reunited again for plenty of long runs along the beach and naps on a comfy couch, great bone chewing sessions and lots of warm sunshine.

9 Days and counting

On Sunday April 19 I will do the Girls With Gears ride - 10 miles - to support Carol For Heart.

I have raised $150 towards my $250 goal. Sigh.

I haven't ridden at all for just over a year. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard and started working with a trainer once a week. I'm hoping that will help. I reviewed last years 15 mile route and was instantly intimidated. What are "gently rolling hills" to someone who rides regularly are the AlpeD'Huez to me.

Nonetheless, my trainer has taught me many great lessons. One of them being that many things that logic dictates are impossible are more than easily overcome by ones state of mind. So I WILL finish this ride. I can't say what physical state I will be in when I'm done but I will finish.

Diane and our friend Mary are joining me in the quest. I am looking forward to the free lunch at the end.

I have cleaned and re-lubed Diane's chain. I am re-taping her handle bars. Never did change the rear wheel but Kimba didn't puncture the tube and the tires are still holding air so we're good to go there.

SERIOUSLY MISSING BIKETOPIA!

If yu want to make a contribution towards my ride you may do so online. Just enter my name in the "Donating on Behalf" line. Just $10 from 10 people will allow me to reach my goal! Use this link:


http://carolforheart.org/default.asp?p=support_us


I will try and take some pics at the event and post afterward.

Another LOL from Teresa Dowlatshahi

Frog Applause for March 04, 2009 from www.gocomics.com

© 2009 Teresa Dowlatshahi - All Rights Reserved.

Catch up

It is audition season. Well, in theory it is always audition season but this is the time of year that the medium to large Equity theaters hold open calls for their summer 09 - 2010 season. Mostly these happen in NYC. Sometimes a company comes to Philly. Sometimes one needs to go to the company. These are sort of catch-all auditions. I am certain that someone out there has been cast by one of these companies from such a call. I strongly suspect, however, that these companies are merely fulfilling a union requirement. I suspect that they know who they want to hire and I'm fairly sure that it is usually the actor(s) who are already the local celebrities of the town the company works in. I don't mean to be overly cynical, just realistic. I've attended a few of these open calls and followed up to see who was cast. Sometimes there is someone from out of town but more often the cast are residents of that city and have appeared more than a few times at that theater. Or they are all from out of town but basically work there several shows per season. In other words, if they don't already know you, if they haven't called you to set up a private /invited audition then you probably won't work there.

So why go? Because it is like buying a lottery ticket. Realistically you aren't going to win, but someone will. And you can't win if you don't have a ticket. Like I said, I'm sure there are folks who do get cast from open calls. I think it is more realistic to view these as opportunities to be seen and not necessarily cast. That is, if I can blow the auditor away with my work I may not get cast but I may make it into their files. I get seen by auditors and even if I never see them again there is always that 'lottery possibility' that that person ends up in Philly or nearby and I get to connect with them again. Also, there are a handful of small companies that actually do use these open calls to cast. They aren't usually the big names, the ones listed in American Theater Magazine or the main tourist attraction in the large cities. They are hard working artist-entertainers, so there's more than just luck of the draw when auditioning for those companies. Lastly, auditioning is a unique skill. Yes, it is performing, but the stakes are high and the environment is quirky and you are essentially selling your wares to someone who may or may not even be interested long before you enter the room. So I go for the practice, and the off chance that this time I'll get that break.

In other news, I got a bike workstand for Chritsmas and hope to do some basic maintence on my bike and Diane's. I have her's on the stand now so I can put on a new back tire (Kimba likes to use the tires for scratching posts...grrrr. BAD KITTY!) and put on a new saddle and bar tape.

There is a charity ride April 19 sponsored by Girls with Gears I plan to do. It is in support of educating women about heart disease. There are a lot of mile option choices. I thought I'd try the 25 mile but I haven't been on the bike for so long I think this time I'll do the 10 mile option. Plus it's still freaking cold here in April so I want to get in sooner than later.

One thing leads to another

It is taking this entire lifetime of mine to accept limitations. My own, the world’s, other people’s. I used to believe that anything can be achieved / attained if one only tried “hard enough” and that the inability – failure to be precise - to achieve said thing(s) lay in laziness, not wanting ‘IT’ enough, lack of focus, on some other underlying fault.

The universe has been schooling me, throwing extremely difficult examples my way to prove my beliefs to be faulty for a LONG time. I think maybe the lessons have been too big for me to really appreciate. Recently the universe has scaled down a bit so I can catch up.

It’s about what you DO and what you SAY. Words are important. They carry more than just functional meaning they carry social meaning. What you say says a lot about you, who you are and what you believe. But too many people stop there. They SAY all sorts of lovely things, but they never DO anything to back it up. Or they DO lovely things like send a card or buy a gift and then SAY terrible things later. Worse yet they DO and SAY things in public for their own achievement and DO and SAY quite different things in private. These are the worst in my opinion because they see themselves they way the public see them – as generous, loving, kind. A definite disconnect.

I have come to the disagreeable acceptance that people have limitations. They may WANT to be a certain way but their own baggage gets in the way. I used to hold them accountable for that – for their own issues – because my friends, my family should be better than that. But they are not. Because they are humans and they have troubles just like me. For some it is too much to expect them to see the disconnect. They don’t see it in themselves and no amount of confronting or coaxing will ever make them see their own hypocrisy any more than I will become competent at math.

I am learning that I need to accept people as they are to borrow a phrase “ You go with the friends you have not the friends you wish you had” and understanding that this one SAYS a lot but does nothing and the that one DOES a lot but never says anything has been difficult but feels so much better than expecting everyone to both do and say.

I heard an interview on the radio about a book regarding the stock market some time ago – before the collapse – and I felt it aptly applied to so many more things than just business. The point of the book was that “successful” business people were deluded if they believed that they were the source of their own success. Yes, they had a hand in it but ultimately factors WELL out of their sphere of influence resulted in their success not their ‘hard work’ or business acumen.’ By the same token the author stated that those who “failed” were o not responsible for their failure to achieve success because factors WELL out of their sphere of influence killed their plans long before they even had a chance.

I thought about this as it applies to my own life. I can only do what I can do with the tools that I have. I am the only one who really knows how badly I want ‘it’ or how hard I try or what actions I take on my own behalf. Wayne Dyer said it best “when you make judgments and criticism about other people, when you call them stupid, it doesn’t make that person stupid but it says a lot about you.” The crazy Reagan era idea of “Pull yourself up by your own boot straps” is crazy because it ASSUMES we all have boots. What if you don’t have any boots? And who says there is a universal definition of success? Of course I buy into it as much as anyone. I daydream about what success would look like and it’s a pretty conventional dream. But sometimes, I look at the facts of my life and realize I’d damn lucky to even be alive. No, I don’t have the career I want but I’d have no career at all if not for my own hard work and the help of friends and the love of my wife. I truly believe I would have killed myself 15 years ago if not for some truly caring individuals. People whose words matched their actions. People who didn’t HAVE to be there for me but were anyway because they cared. No one I envy has had to deal with my obstacles and I’m fairly certain many wouldn’t even be where I am if they had them. I am a success.

So universe, readers, I’m trying. Trying to make my words match my actions. Trying as hard as I can with what I have. Trying to accept that it is possible to have everything and STILL not win. I’m trying to accept that people are not perfect and no matter how much I want them to be they are who they are. I’m trying to be as accepting of my own definition of success as I am with the conventional American dream. I’m trying to put much less emphasis on the achieving part and lots more on the trying part. I expect I will continue to fail and I also expect to keep trying.

Breakfast at Tiffanys

Ya know that annoying song 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' ? Well I find it annoying anyway the melody is catchy but becomes too repetitive too quickly and the song lends itself easily to making up your own lyrics.

My friend Julia Frey from Philadelphia CSZ is the chick in this video satire of said song. Yeah, it's STILL annoying but it made me laugh out loud.



Breakfast at Tiffany's from Olde English Comedy on Vimeo.

Me ' N' CSZ

A couple pics of me at a recent CSZ photo shoot. Enjoy. (photographer: Cheryl Wise)

Still nothing yet

I STILL need a job. I have 4 auditions coming up but unless I get a contract that's not the same thing as a job.

I have been offered a 1 day gig for $150 + a new suit. If I can find a suit this will be the easiest gig I've ever done.

I've been offered to teach a workshop slated to start in November. 2 things about that...1) Much like the auditions, until I'm standing in front of the class it's not really a paid job. 2) I am deliberately not mentioning the class because I genuinely like the folks who run the organization and I know they too are struggling for cash but ... well.. they are paying considerably less than I get paid elsewhere to do the same work...on the other hand NO ONE is paying me right now so there's that. I HATE having to give my work away becuase I can't afford to turn work down.

I want SO BADLY to be done with Tapestry Theater and it is still lingering on because Karen and I have about $800 in debts to pay off. I've drafted a workshop/performance scheme that I would like to sell to a college or university for $1200. 2 shows and a 6 hour master class. 1 buyer would pay off the debts and we could be done with this albatross. More than 1 and we could maybe pay ourselves a small token...something we haven't done since the company started.

I was reading some bios for other improv instructors and, as usual, misread the title of one person's solo show. However, the mistake was funny enough to me that I may just find a way to make my own show... how's this for a title:

SHAME FEST

I see a lot of potential in a shame fest. Not certain yet whether I would be shaming other people or exposing my own shame...perhaps both so the show is fair and balanced.

SOS

I need a job in my field or closely related. I am a skilled and talented actor and director. I have experience teaching improv and acting classes and theater skills to corporate people.

What can I do? Act and direct theater is my number one best skill. I can also produce theatrical shows. I can teach theater skills to children and adults. I can teach business people how to use theater skills in the workplace to improve communication, facilitate team work and build morale. The job is often called CORPORATE TRAINER. I am a great public speaker.

Contact me if you can assist in any way.

______________________________________________________________________________

I’m in a bad place right now. Or to be more accurate I’ve been in a bad place for a while but I have had a few reprieves over the years that allowed me to delude myself that maybe things were changing. They weren’t. I’m very, very low.


Something needs to change in me or my life. Maybe both. I am unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same ‘place’ the same ‘conversation’ the same ‘argument’ for 20 years or more: “Why can’t I make any forward progress? What is wrong with me?”



I truly believe that I am a good person. I have skills and talents and ideas that are worthy of recognition. I believe I have something of worth and value to bring to the world.



Nonetheless despite believing in myself, my education, being ‘liked and respected’ I keep getting doors slammed in my face. I have neither the money nor the personal connections to help me rise above a lifetime of poverty. Yes, I said it POVERTY and I’m WHITE. I earn $5K -7K a year.



I don’t think it is possible to move up /make forward progress without assistance. Financial assistance and human. I see it everyday amongst the rich and wealthy. If you come from that world then family and friends provide opportunities for you, open doors help make connections, get you into jobs not available to anyone else maybe even create a job just for your needs and purposes. When you come from my side of the tracks to even suggest you need that kind of help is dismissed. It is outrageous to ‘expect’ people to help ‘just because YOU think you can do something’ you need to ‘prove yourself,’ ‘work hard,’ ‘make sacrifices.’



I’ve made sacrifices. More than most people might guess. I’ve suffered physical hardships in my life living without utilities, heat, and food. I’ve been ridiculed and marginalized. I’ve struggled and been at the bottom of more ladders than I can count. And I’ve lied about my happiness so others wouldn’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. The thinking that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is, in my experience, BS. Things happen because people either have the help they need or they don’t.



I need assistance. I am asking for assistance, I am begging. Something needs to change I can’t continue to be viewed as a loser by others and particularly not by myself.