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2010-01-07T13:13:00.002-05:00

Photo by Jessica Kourkounis

Click the title above to read the fabulous lead in to my show "Cecily and Gwendolyn's Fantastical Balloon Ride" Starts January 13 and runs thru Jan 31 .

How Time Flies :: Agenda :: Philadelphia City Paper :: Philadelphia Events, Arts, Restaurants, Music, Movies, Jobs, Classifieds, Blogs

May as well finish

2009-10-30T17:19:00.004-05:00

This is Currituck Light house in Currituck North Carolina on the Outer Banks. I have been going here with my partner and her family on vacation for over 10 + years. I LOVE lighthouses. This one is interesting as it is a twin to Bodie Light house further south on the island. I don't recall which lighthouse is slightly taller by a few feet, t that's one difference between them. The other is that Bodie is painted black and white and Currituck was left in it's original red brick. And you can climb Currituck light as well, you may only peer up the spiral stairs at Bodie.

The north end of the island has become, imho, overdeveloped. Perhaps you vacation there and would tell me that all the new development is welcome and needed. But I say the very elements that make going to the Outer Banks interesting and special for me are the unspoiled dunes, the wildlife and the fact people are not, as my more urban students might say, 'all up in your grill.'

Case in point, the wild horses that live there and have done for CENTURIES were once considered an attraction. It was a REASON to go to the island. Now that Martha and Joe McMillions and Stacy and Sam Wannabe have built their sprawling seaside row homes that sleep 20 -30 people the horses became a 'nuisance.' They got in the way of the over privileged driving their land rovers and sports cars. They shat in front of the house and ate the non native lawn and flowers so carefully selected for that special Martha Stewart I-live-better-than-you-do look.

Concessions were made. Currituck is a poor county and became enthralled with the money it could make from these McMansions and subsequent strip mall chain stores. The land was plowed under, gated communities went up and the horses were, as the Native Americans before them, 'relocated'

Despite the continuing development of this once lovely barrier island I still enjoy my visits but admittedly less and less. If I wanted Jersey I'd stay at home. When we go we stay in Southern Shores about 18 - 20 miles south of Currituck light. It has been a dream of mine for over 5 years to bike up and back to the lighthouse. In my dream the weather is fine. Not too hot, not too cold. There is nominal wind and always at my back. And the scenery and smells are heavenly.

2 years ago I was able to do half this dream ride. I rode FROM the lighthouse back to our rental home and promptly collapsed in the hot tub. It was then I discovered the healing properties of hot water and strong jets!

Due to health issues I was not able to ride at all last year. So this year I was DETERMINED I would realize my dream. Besides it is also part way to reaching a larger dream, of riding 100 miles in a single day. To this end (and for general health reasons) I started working with a trainer at my gym. This, combined with the fact that for the past 3 years the weather has been picture perfect (clear skies, mid 70's, no wind) almost the entire week, instilled me with a smug confidence.

And here is where life tests me. How badly did I want to realize this goal? What was I willing to do, where was the line drawn? This year it was overcast every day but Tuesday , our 3rd day there. This year the temperatures were in the mid 60's and the wind blew every day. Each night I would look to the forecast and send out a prayer to the weather gods and each morning they greeted me with a big "PTHW!"

On Friday October 16th 2009 the temperature was an average of 52 degrees. It was raining - well, misty in Southern Shores and outright pouring in Currituck. The wind ranged from 7 - 14 mph with 18mph gusts.

And I rode. I had help. My sister-in-law Judy rode up with me and Diane was to ride back with me.

The first 5 miles I thought "this isn't so bad" and around mile 10 I thought "I'm am crazy this was a BAD idea." At mile 14 when the wind was blowing so hard I felt like I wasn't moving, I was cold and soaked I through "I am NOT going to do a return trip, this is madness." That's also about when I started singing "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" making up my own somewhat bawdy verses.

And although the land is relatively flat my guess is that it is about a slight 3% uphill grade. Between that and the wind I was feeling cranky. I wanted to give up. I thought this was a terrible idea. I thought if it was sunny I'd be baking alive. I thought it is so developed now I could easily get hit and fatally injured because no one expects to see a cyclist out here. I thought this feels like when my trainer makes me hold a plank position or do wall squats and my body is screaming. And then I thought YEAH! That's exactly it. Isn't that why you started training so you could do exactly THIS? And don't I always make it through? YES! And when it hurts so much and you think you can't finish what happens then? - Usually Kevin (my trainer) says something like "only 20 more seconds" and I think "oh - only 20 more seconds...well if I've done it this long surely I can hold out another 20 seconds."

When Judy and I arrived at the light house Diane and the 'support team' weren't there yet. We were cold and tired and hungry and soaked. I suggested we keep moving, keep riding around the park that surrounds the lighthouse to keep warm. I told Judy maybe I shouldn't ride back and she said if Diane didn't want to do it, she was already soaked so why not make the return trip? Besides it'll be easier because it's mostly down hill. For 20 seconds hated her. I was looking for a way out, an excuse, a logical reason why I couldn't do this thing that I've dreamed of doing for years. Damn accountability! Right then I knew I was going to finish this thing whether I wanted to or not. And then I realized I didn't REALLY want to quit I was just unhappy with the weather but, like Judy said, like I've learned at the gym, as long as I've done this much I may as well finish. And my hate turned to admiration for this person who was willing to literally go the extra 20 miles in so many ways to help me realize MY dream.

Diane arrived. I ate a sandwich, mounted up and headed back home. The rain wasn't coming down quite so hard. The road is a 'downhill' grade. Diane led almost the entire way so I didn't need to work so hard and as long as I kept moving I didn't feel as cold.

So I did it! I finished my goal. It wasn't like I dreamed it would be. I tried to get out of it but realized when push came to shove I didn't want to get out of it I just wanted different circumstances. And isn't that the way of many things in life? And it feels good to have done it. I didn't do it out of obligation or because someone else chose this task for me. This is something that I wanted for me and I did it for me.

I continue to keep looking for ways to incorporate this new found personal motto in all the areas of my life - I've already done this much I may as well finish. At least where it applies to the things that I want to do for myself. My hopes, my dreams, my goals, my life being lived for me.

The next ride is TBA. I do know the next epic ride (because now 40 miles is a given) has to be 60 miles and then as long as I've done 60 I may as well finish up with 100!

UNAMERICAN health care reform

2009-08-19T14:27:00.006-05:00

Here's my facts and thoughts:

I am considered an "Independent Contractor" All actors are. I might get hired to do a show but I'm not an employee I'm no different than a carpenter or plumber - except they make $80/hour. I make a little less than $15/hour (if you are non union it's more like $3-$5/hour.) A wage many Americans believe is way over the top for actors.

I cannot afford private health insurance. I tried that route over a decade ago and I couldn't afford it then (roughly $250/mos) I know for a fact I couldn't afford it now and I'm sure prices have only gone up. Those I know who pay for insurance out of pocket pay $400 - $600/mos + co-pays.

I am well educated and have a 4 year college degree.

I earn between $5000 to $8000 a year depending on what work I can find. Yes, that is five thousand to eight thousand. There are no zeros missing. I earn roughly $400 - $600/mos BEFORE taxes.

I do not own a car.

Due to credit card interest rates and what I call designer fees - those fees that are added on for no specific reason I am in debt I don't seem able to escape. I once had a low credit card balance that I was close to paying off. I am now carrying $6500 in credit card debt and can't get ahead.

I do not work in an office or any other job that looks like a typical "9 - 5" (if there ever was such a thing.)

I have worked at a few offices in various industries as low or middle management - so I could have health insurance. I traded my career and opportunities for health insurance. I experienced "rationing." I was "free" to chose my own doctor so long as they were pre-approved by the insurance company - which is to say my "free choice" was limited - very, very, very limited.

Those trade offs helped pay the bills yet still left me financially struggling. I didn't earn enough to have any savings, everything went to rent, utilities, school loans, public transportation, and food. These trade offs also left me physically and mentally ill from severe stress - unable to perform my "real" job well and unable to perform in my "chosen career" very well either. Leaving them was not a choice I made easily or took lightly but it came down, ironically, to my health.

Actors Equity offers health insurance to actors who have 12 weeks of work with companies that pay into the insurance plan. Most shows these days are roughly 5 weeks. So you need 3 shows in 12 consecutive months at eligible companies. If you qualify it costs $400/year + co-pays. Your choice of doctors is limited to the pre approved list, your procedures are rationed and you must continue to keep working as they review your work weeks every quarter. So long as you have 12 work weeks at eligible theaters - looking back each quarter -- you're good to go, otherwise, you get placed on COBRA - i.e. you pay out of pocket, and if you still don't get any work you are off the roles.

I have only once in my 20 year career had 12 weeks of eligible work. I do not normally have enough weeks or if I do they are not with companies that pay into the Union's insurance so I do not qualify for health insurance thru my Union.

I don't currently have any life threatening health issues that I am aware of. I do not have any chronic conditions like diabetes or asthma or high blood pressure. I do have allergies. I have recently had several benign diseases that are "typical" of someone for my gender / age.

Due to some of these benign diseases I have spent a lot of time in hospitals and doctors' offices this past year. I am certain about 50% of that time was what the medical industry calls "defensive" medicine. That is to say while we were all "mostly" sure I didn't have anything life threatening there was still an outside chance - and if I was the 1 in the "1 in a million" I could potentially sue the pants off them for NOT testing me, even though we we were all "pretty sure" it was nothing serious.

I was in Dallas on a job one time and became seriously ill. I started to black out and was taken to an ER. I contacted my primary doctor on my release so they would know what happened. My then insurance company declined to pay for the visit stating I should have seen my Primary Doctor before going to the ER. Apparently the fact that I live in Philadelphia and was ill in Dallas Texas made no difference.

I was told I was overusing the ER. At the time I had only been to the ER twice in my life and that was about 15 yeas prior to this incident.

I am on a list serv for women who have a similar condition as my own. Many, many women post that their insurance providers decline to pay for a less dramatic treatment. Many of these women are also limited as to which Doctors they can see and how long they must wait for treatment. That's happening right now - here in the USA.

I have been very fortunate these past 10 years or so to be covered by my partner's health insurance, including dental insurance.

My partner's company is on financially rocky ground right now much like every other small business in America.

Our dental insurance was recently canceled because my partner's company had been in arrears with the dental insurance company several times this past year. So, once they were all paid up they were dropped. No discussion.

How long before the company drops health coverage? OR gets dropped by the insurance company? What if they go under where do I or my partner get insurance? ; Because now I have a bucket load of "pre existing" conditions.

So here's what I think...for those who already have some sort of employer based insurance ask yourself how long can they keep that up? How long before it is just "too expensive" or they begin to take larger chunks out of your paycheck?

What are your options if your employer drops health insurance coverage? Are you so sure? Have you ever actually called around to try and find insurance? Ever asked how much, what they cover, and what happens if you end up needing to use it?

Are you someone who thinks that only the poor / black/Hispanic and illegal aliens are trying to get on the health care system? Really? Try meeting ANYONE in any artistic field and ask about their health care coverage. Ask anyone who has been downsized /l aid off / fired recently and now works as a "consultant" or "free lance." Ask any "independent contractor" in any field what it is like for them, how much do they take home a month and how much do they pay just to 'have' insurance let alone the co-pays deductibles etc. I bet you'll find a lot of people like me - white, well educated and SOL.

Why is it OK to spend billions and trillions of dollars on various wars but zero on our own people?

Are we not Americans? Why can't we take care of our own? What is wrong with us? I hear daily rants from the Religious Right about family values and what would Jesus do. I think Jesus would take care of everybody. I think there is good evidence to support that idea in the Bible.

Why is national health care evil yet a FREE and PUBLIC education - one that is enjoyed by millions of Americans -- is expected?

I don't see anyone talking about the socialist library - you know the FREE PUBLIC library system that was started by FOUNDING FATHER BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

You have no issues with the free highway system. You sure as hell expect the Fire company to come to your house if you have a fire - I don't see anyone proposing that putting out fires is socialist and insisting on privately operated fire companies.

And why not? Because it is the right thing to do when one lives in a civilized society. See, I always thought being American meant we looked out for our own. We took care of our people, we understand that education and public safety - of which health and health care is part and parcel, are part of being in a community. The community of America.

Instead, in my lifetime, under the banner of AMERICA we have become more divided than ever - every man/woman/child/ for themselves. United we stand? Fuck that I am my own special island of independence. Let those European, hippie-commie- countries take care of their sick and elderly and kids and send their kids to college and graduate school. Let them find ways of being energy independent. This is AMERICA and here in AMERICA we PAY through the nose for everything privately. We get into bed with large oil, we underfund our schools and cut their programs, take away viable grants and financial aid for our kids to go to college. This is 21st century AMERICA this is not our hippie- commie past when we gave homes and college opportunities to GI's - NO FUCKING WAY! NOT IN MY AMERICA! You want to go to college GI then pony up $30000, buy a house on your own damn time and stop looking for a handout.

I am ashamed of my fellow citizens who can't look past their own nose and see we need to come together as a nation. We are ALL Americans and we are all equally deserving of a better life - better than we have now and better than before. We can't do it privately. We need each other.

I happen to feel that making a profit off someone's life and heath is extremely immoral and as about UN AMERICAN as it gets.

Hostile to liars

2009-08-10T10:46:00.005-05:00

I received some feedback about a workshop I ran a few months back. The workshop is new for me. It was the first one, a beta test if you will and still has some bugs to be worked out. It was a risk on my part but I put perfectionism aside. I trusted that as long as I am genuine, truthful and committed to the subject people will be accepting. We can all learn something. I explained to the first ever participants of said workshop the inspiration for it, my future plans for developing the workshop and that I was open to constructive feedback from them on future improvements.

I don't know when the participants completed their online survey, but I am only now receiving the comments. Most comments were complimentary and instructive. They did not state anything that was not said to me at the workshop itself OR they were comments about changes that I am already aware need to be addressed. You don't teach for 15 years and not have some idea of where changes need to be made.

On the other hand, some participants seem to believe it is ok to outright lie about the experience. 1 states they arrived "1 hour late." No one arrive 1 hour late, 1 person arrived about 20 mins late but no one was 1 hour late. 1 stated that I appeared to have no focus and was just doing random exercises despite the fact the first thing I do for any workshop is to explain the purpose and focus. Another states they had no opportunity to give or receive feedback although I gave everyone ample opportunity to speak with me directly before, during, and after the workshop. These statements are 100 % lies.

It is not my habit to feel hostile to feedback. One's experience is one's experience. However, no one has ever outright lied about their participation before. I don't take kindly to liars. In fact, I AM hostile to liars.

If you arrived late and missed the explanation and point of focus for the class that is on you to ask at break, not my fault. Where I was trained arriving late meant you were not allowed to take the class, no matter how valid your reason for being late, but this isn't that sort of organization.

If you did not take away anything useful from my class that is a valid comment. I have taken workshops with some "FAMOUS NEW YORK" and "FAMOUS CHICAGO" improvisers that left no significant impression on me. I did not blame the instructor for my lack of enthusiasm, it was simply not a good fit.

If you felt over/under experienced for this class - that is valid - note taken. Perhaps the description of the workshop needs to be clarified so students understand what they are paying for.

If you felt my time management was poor that is a valid comment. If you felt you wanted more time or more information about an exercise that is valid. Those are personal experiences and constructive feedback. Some of these concerns I plan to address. Some of them I have no intention of addressing because this is a different methodology than what many people are accustomed to. It is understandable that it would touch a few nerves.

But under no circumstances do these comments require additional personal digs at me. The purpose of surveys is to aid in improving the experience, not to make the commenter feel like a big shot by bringing someone - in this case me- down.

I am REALLY REALLY hostile toward people who make themselves feel better by belittling others.

So liar(s), whoever you are, I hope I don't run into you on stage, at a show, at an audition, or at the bars because, unlike you, I have no problem speaking my mind, owning my opinions and telling the truth with my name on it.

Childhood hero RIP

2009-06-04T11:13:00.007-05:00

David Carradine played my favorite TV show character ever...That of Kwai Chang Caine on the TV series Kung Fu. That show and Carradine's character in particular had a huge influence in developing my sense of right and wrong, and the 'way of the world'.

I later saw David Carradine in The Long Riders, Box Car Bertha, and Bound For Glory. No doubt this man was a consummate actor making the hard stuff appear effortless and easy. He was a great actor who was underestimated by many.

I've read all kinds of 'insider' stories and anecdotes about him and much of it was unflattering. It seems to me he lead a troubled life, and perhaps, it is a miracle he didn't kill himself a long time ago. I've also read many stories about him being a kind and generous person, quick with a smile and great to work with.

Whatever the case... his TV and film persona's were my heroes and I will miss him.

Change is HARD

2009-05-15T15:06:00.002-05:00

'K

I've been struggling to keep up. I have so many things I intend to do for ME for 2009. I made a list then paired it down to about 5 or 6 items that I wanted to either accomplish or undertake in 2009. For some items I'm more than half way through. The year isn't over and I've almost finished some goals. I should feel great and instead I feel like I'm not working hard enough or that I set the bar too low. And that's not true because it's been a struggle to get as much done as I have. If anything perhaps I set the bar too high. I'm feeling burnt out.

I'm in need of some balance. I'm a slow burn. I'm your long haul truck not your speedy delivery.

And this thought has been seeping into my mind ever so slowly....
Simple, positive encouragement, reinforced over and over again is a great antidote to JUDGMENT. I want so much to be done with judgment. It feels like a sickness. It feels out of my control I pass judgments on others and I hear and see people judging me or other people and I don't feel good. I need to stop for my own good. This has proven easier said than done but I'm not giving up.

I don't know who to credit for this quote and I've probably mangled it...but I like it:

"God himself sir, does not presume to judge a man 'till the END of his days, what gives you the right to judge me now?"

Stephanie Banx - I'm in this series..WATCH IT

2009-04-28T16:18:00.002-05:00

Stephanie Banx "FAKEBOOK" - Segment TWO from Stephanie Banx on Vimeo.

Schuylkill River Bicycle Trail

2009-04-27T14:33:00.002-05:00

Last weekend I did the charity ride for Girls with Gears with Diane and our friend Lou. Afterward, Lou asked if we would be interested in joining him on a regular weekend ride. We said yes. I did not think Lou meant we would start this weekend.

Mid week, Diane told me Lou had called and asked if we wanted to ride on Sunday. I was hesitant at first. We had a fundraiser to attend Saturday night and Diane was on the committee that organized the event so we were both going to be doing set-up and breakdown. A recent medical checkup revealed I have more health concerns to deal with this year and the stress of more upcoming testing has been weighing me down. I had other things to do as well, like get a hair cut and cut the grass and do laundry, my 1pm training appointment with Kevin at the gym and my favorite pass time of all, feel sorry for myself after a disappointing audition. There was no way to do all of that PLUS go for a ride. After my list of excuses the fun of riding would not be denied. What about that lifetime goal of a century ride? What about doing a 35 or 45 mile charity ride by fall time ? What about improving my riding skills, or how great I feel physically and emotionally when I ride or, how much fun Lou is to ride with? So I agreed. We would ride on Sunday.

The plan was to start at 23rd and Locust and ride the path to the Art Museum. I thought we were to meet up in the city at 8AM. After the fundraiser on Saturday night we got to bed around midnight. I set my alarm for 6:45 so I'd have time to eat and get the dog out, load the bikes, and get to the city with enough time to find parking.

Sunday the alarm went off and it was brutal. I hardly slept due to, let's call it 'dietary indiscretion.' I didn't get up until 7:15. I knew we were going to be late and felt bad about that but was feeling far worse physically. Around 7:45 Lou showed up at our house...I don't know if he came by because he had a change of plans or if we just misunderstood the plan from the get-go but boy was I happy to see him! The new plan was to head to Manyunk and ride the Schuykill River bike path.

I have never been on this path and was under the misconception that it was a gravel or hard dirt path. It is not. It is entirely paved. And FLAT! We never discuseed how far we were going to ride, just that I needed to be back to the car in time to get to the gym by 1 so i could train with Kevin. We were joined by Lou's friend Adena who is also a veteran of long distance rides. We got a good pace on at around 14 mph and rode out to Valley Forge and back in 2.5 hours including a few rest stops along the way.

This was a great ride. I appreciated the flat miles. It's really pretty along the way. It was around 87-90 degress but low humidity and at that pace we generated our own wind so it wasn't overly hot. We refilled water bottles and used the bathroom at Valley Forge and headed on back. I now have a tentative date to ride with Lou on Sunday mornings .

I went from the ride to the gym with a brief stop at WaWa for a sandwich and more Gatorade. My trainer, Kevin, was both happy that I was riding and sad because he had planned a big lower body/leg workout. We did back-triceps-abs instead. We agreed to maybe find another day to work out so I don't overlaod myself like that again. Still I think he was impressed that I was willing and able to push myelf to the limit. Which probably means next time we meet my body will be sad for days.

Stuff to remember:

I wish I had eaten more before the ride. I started off on a banana and half a berry muffin and some tea. I wish I had a second water bottle because I'm not in top condition and I was feeling thirsty along the route but trying to conserve the water I had. I wish I had a little snack to eat along the way and some food at the car when I got back.

Stuff I did right:

I put on sunscreen and only missed a small area on one arm at my jersey cuff. We had gatordae in a small cooler in the car which I downed almost in one gulp.

Today I feel like I got hit by a truck. I've been drining a lot of water and eating small amounts of protein and carbs every few hours. I got up at 7, ate a yogurt and took some motrin and went back to bed with ice for my back. I slept another 4 hours and felt a lot better. Just taking it easy today. I never did cut the grass, but I did laundry and got a hair cut and had no time to host my pity party so all in all a great weekend.

I'm trying to embrace a new outlook. The pessimistic / fatalistic one I've lived with for so long has protected me a lot but hasn't moved me forward the way I'd like. On the theory one need to do something different to yeild different results, I'm trying to find something good in my circumstances. I'm deeply frustrated by a lack of acting work, and paying temp work. However, because I have no firm commitments I've been able to get to more auditions in NYC and take time to care for myself - like today's recovery or upcoming medical tests and that's a good thing. And I'm feeling really good these days - physically anyway - so I intend to keep it up.

STOP IT STORM!

2009-04-22T17:47:00.000-05:00

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

GWG 2009 pics

2009-04-20T18:10:00.006-05:00

Just a some of the folks coming back from rides

Lou's very sweet Cologno

Lou checking over my bike before the ride
Di's Gitane in foreground

The pavilion area around lunch time. There were many more people at the event than this pic shows.

Girls With Gears 2009 – The wrap up.

2009-04-20T18:05:00.002-05:00

GWG 2009 Post ride photo (l-r) Diane, Lou, me

First let me say thank you! I was able to raise $325, $75 more than my pledge goal! The event overall raised $50,000 from rider pledges.

This was my second charity ride and my first time back on my bike in over a year. Since high school I have always been “into” cycling and have 2 lifetime goals – 1 is to complete a 100 mile ride (aka century.) The other is to ride across the country. While this ride was only 10 miles I had to take off a few months of any sort of exercise while recovering from recent surgery so this ride was big deal for me and hopefully the start of many great things to come.

Joining me on the ride was my lovely wife, Diane and our friend Lou. Lou is a very experienced rider with over 20 years riding experience. He does the huge charity rides like the California AIDS ride which covers 750 miles over the course of a week. Everyone needs Lou or some like him on a ride. He is friendly, encouraging and thoroughly knowledgeable without being condescending or a busybody. Lou is someone who rides for the sheer joy riding and wants everyone around him to experience the joy.

The weather held up nicely for us as well. Far from the predicted cold, wind, and rain we had a warm gentle breeze and just enough sun to make it a cheerful Sunday morning. We couldn’t have ordered up better conditions, not too hot, not too cold but juussst right!

The event took place at the Limerick Community Park and Pavilion. There were 1000 registered riders who participated in various rides from 62.5 miles (a metric century) to 42, 25 and the 10 mile ride. We arrived at the event around 8:45 am. The longer rides had left around 7am or so. The parking at the pavilion was full so we were directed to the ‘overflow’ parking about 1.5 miles down the road. We parked and started to unload the bikes. Lou immediately began assisting 2 women pumping their tires and getting them set up on their mountain bikes. His sweet carbon frame Cologno was set up in seconds. Diane had her 1975 Gitane – another very sweet ride and I had the Catbird – my Jamis Coda Sport hybrid. We rode back to the park and registered and after looking over the size of the 10 mile group chose to depart on our own.

Diane had a few mechanical issues getting started. Her chain kept jumping off the gears and getting stick between the cranks and the frame. Lou got her set up and back on the road ASAP. A short while later we met up with some folks who were having troubles with their brakes, again Lou jumped off and had them back on the road in less than 5 mins.

The 10 mile route was rolling hills, challenging but doable. And of course what goes up must come down. At one point we came to a nice downhill ' s 'curve . Lou took off as did Diane. Per Lou’s bike computer they clocked around 35 -40 mph. Me? I’m a big scaredy cat and went down a little more cautiously at 18- 20 mph. A few hills later I passed Di who had pulled over to walk a bit but she got back on and passed me soon enough.

Along the route we passed a working farm. The farmer was in his driveway smiling and shouting out encouragement to everyone who passed. The riders and the event staff and even many of the local residents, like that farmer, were all very supportive and ready to help. When Lou was working on freeing Diane's chain a guy who lived in a home across the road came running out with a bike pump assuming we had a flat. We thanked him and told him the deal and he waved us on our way. It was great feeling.

There were photographers taking pictures of the riders as we left and returned from our rides at the Pavilion. Outback provided lunch – a choice of salads, pasta and grilled chicken. Volunteers had oranges and bananas and Luna bars. Starbucks provided coffee and there were various flavors of sports drink and water donated by Giant and volunteers. A lot of vendors jewelry, clothing, bike related stuff who donated part of their sales to Carol For Heart , free heart health screenings, massage and lots of good cheer all the way around.

After lunch Lou shared some inspiring stories of the big rides he’s completed. I was choked up several times. It is amazing how something as simple as a bike ride can change so many lives – the riders, the volunteers and the beneficiaries.

This was a great experience and something I will definitely be doing again next year.

RIP Shadow

2009-04-11T12:08:00.004-05:00

Early this morning I lost my "canine nephew" Shadow to a fast moving and extensive cancer. Diagnosed in mid March he was given 1 - 2 months to live. I had been planning to drive down to Virginia to visit with him today. Last night Bill called to tell us Shadow wasn't doing well. Diane said she just had a feeling he wouldn't make it through the night. Sure enough, Bill called us at 7AM to say Shadow was gone.

He was an amazing dog. Very affable and a great ambassador for canines everywhere. Easy to train, easy to live with. He loved to play doggie soccer. Whenever the ball would get stuck at a fence he would stand and lean over it barking at it, willing it move on its own and get back in the game. He loved to play tug and would kindly let you win. Shadow was only about 6 months older than Titan- my first basenji and they were best of friends. We are sure that he knew just how hard this was on his family. Yesterday Bill said he sat outside sitting in the sun letting the wind blow his floppy ears, a favorite pastime, but he had stopped eating and was breathing heavily. They told us his breathing eased over night and he seemed he might hold on this morning but by 7 he passed.

There is no good way to lose an animal friend. Passing away or being put to sleep, old age, or illness, old, or young, there just is never a good way to say goodbye. It is cliche but dogs really do live in the moment and live 100%. Dogs don't generally hold back anything they are feeling, which is why, I believe dog lovers are so attracted to them, why it is so easy to bond emotionally with them and why it is so devastating to lose them. Dogs give us a dose of love, companionship, devotion, trust, and loyalty over an average of 12 years in a quantity rarely matched by many humans in 70+ years of life. Perhaps we dole out our enthusiasm for life, for love and each other in smaller quantities because we know we have so long to live. I have read that many humans, when given a fatal diagnosis, become more like the reformed Scrooge in Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Again, cliche I know, but why do we wait? Why do we hold back? It makes me wonder about our 'civilization' a place where we are free to express hate, anger and all forms of judgment and opinion but can't muster up the same intensity of love, friendship and devotion.

Is it becasue dogs have no sense of time, that we understand anyway, that they truly live the adage "live like there are no tommorows" Or are they just naturally free from self judgemet, unaffected by opinions, unfettered by social custom.

I am intensely sad. I wanted so much to see Shadow before he died. I will miss him terribly. If there is an afterlife, a rainbow bridge, I hope my Titan and Shadow are reunited again for plenty of long runs along the beach and naps on a comfy couch, great bone chewing sessions and lots of warm sunshine.

9 Days and counting

2009-04-10T18:05:00.002-05:00

On Sunday April 19 I will do the Girls With Gears ride - 10 miles - to support Carol For Heart.

I have raised $150 towards my $250 goal. Sigh.

I haven't ridden at all for just over a year. I have been hitting the gym pretty hard and started working with a trainer once a week. I'm hoping that will help. I reviewed last years 15 mile route and was instantly intimidated. What are "gently rolling hills" to someone who rides regularly are the AlpeD'Huez to me.

Nonetheless, my trainer has taught me many great lessons. One of them being that many things that logic dictates are impossible are more than easily overcome by ones state of mind. So I WILL finish this ride. I can't say what physical state I will be in when I'm done but I will finish.

Diane and our friend Mary are joining me in the quest. I am looking forward to the free lunch at the end.

I have cleaned and re-lubed Diane's chain. I am re-taping her handle bars. Never did change the rear wheel but Kimba didn't puncture the tube and the tires are still holding air so we're good to go there.

SERIOUSLY MISSING BIKETOPIA!

If yu want to make a contribution towards my ride you may do so online. Just enter my name in the "Donating on Behalf" line. Just $10 from 10 people will allow me to reach my goal! Use this link:

http://carolforheart.org/default.asp?p=support_us

I will try and take some pics at the event and post afterward.

Another LOL from Teresa Dowlatshahi

2009-03-04T10:07:00.001-05:00

Frog Applause for March 04, 2009 from www.gocomics.com

Catch up

2009-02-25T14:07:00.002-05:00

It is audition season. Well, in theory it is always audition season but this is the time of year that the medium to large Equity theaters hold open calls for their summer 09 - 2010 season. Mostly these happen in NYC. Sometimes a company comes to Philly. Sometimes one needs to go to the company. These are sort of catch-all auditions. I am certain that someone out there has been cast by one of these companies from such a call. I strongly suspect, however, that these companies are merely fulfilling a union requirement. I suspect that they know who they want to hire and I'm fairly sure that it is usually the actor(s) who are already the local celebrities of the town the company works in. I don't mean to be overly cynical, just realistic. I've attended a few of these open calls and followed up to see who was cast. Sometimes there is someone from out of town but more often the cast are residents of that city and have appeared more than a few times at that theater. Or they are all from out of town but basically work there several shows per season. In other words, if they don't already know you, if they haven't called you to set up a private /invited audition then you probably won't work there.

So why go? Because it is like buying a lottery ticket. Realistically you aren't going to win, but someone will. And you can't win if you don't have a ticket. Like I said, I'm sure there are folks who do get cast from open calls. I think it is more realistic to view these as opportunities to be seen and not necessarily cast. That is, if I can blow the auditor away with my work I may not get cast but I may make it into their files. I get seen by auditors and even if I never see them again there is always that 'lottery possibility' that that person ends up in Philly or nearby and I get to connect with them again. Also, there are a handful of small companies that actually do use these open calls to cast. They aren't usually the big names, the ones listed in American Theater Magazine or the main tourist attraction in the large cities. They are hard working artist-entertainers, so there's more than just luck of the draw when auditioning for those companies. Lastly, auditioning is a unique skill. Yes, it is performing, but the stakes are high and the environment is quirky and you are essentially selling your wares to someone who may or may not even be interested long before you enter the room. So I go for the practice, and the off chance that this time I'll get that break.

In other news, I got a bike workstand for Chritsmas and hope to do some basic maintence on my bike and Diane's. I have her's on the stand now so I can put on a new back tire (Kimba likes to use the tires for scratching posts...grrrr. BAD KITTY!) and put on a new saddle and bar tape.

There is a charity ride April 19 sponsored by Girls with Gears I plan to do. It is in support of educating women about heart disease. There are a lot of mile option choices. I thought I'd try the 25 mile but I haven't been on the bike for so long I think this time I'll do the 10 mile option. Plus it's still freaking cold here in April so I want to get in sooner than later.

One thing leads to another

2008-12-04T14:05:00.001-05:00

It is taking this entire lifetime of mine to accept limitations. My own, the world’s, other people’s. I used to believe that anything can be achieved / attained if one only tried “hard enough” and that the inability – failure to be precise - to achieve said thing(s) lay in laziness, not wanting ‘IT’ enough, lack of focus, on some other underlying fault.

The universe has been schooling me, throwing extremely difficult examples my way to prove my beliefs to be faulty for a LONG time. I think maybe the lessons have been too big for me to really appreciate. Recently the universe has scaled down a bit so I can catch up.

It’s about what you DO and what you SAY. Words are important. They carry more than just functional meaning they carry social meaning. What you say says a lot about you, who you are and what you believe. But too many people stop there. They SAY all sorts of lovely things, but they never DO anything to back it up. Or they DO lovely things like send a card or buy a gift and then SAY terrible things later. Worse yet they DO and SAY things in public for their own achievement and DO and SAY quite different things in private. These are the worst in my opinion because they see themselves they way the public see them – as generous, loving, kind. A definite disconnect.

I have come to the disagreeable acceptance that people have limitations. They may WANT to be a certain way but their own baggage gets in the way. I used to hold them accountable for that – for their own issues – because my friends, my family should be better than that. But they are not. Because they are humans and they have troubles just like me. For some it is too much to expect them to see the disconnect. They don’t see it in themselves and no amount of confronting or coaxing will ever make them see their own hypocrisy any more than I will become competent at math.

I am learning that I need to accept people as they are to borrow a phrase “ You go with the friends you have not the friends you wish you had” and understanding that this one SAYS a lot but does nothing and the that one DOES a lot but never says anything has been difficult but feels so much better than expecting everyone to both do and say.

I heard an interview on the radio about a book regarding the stock market some time ago – before the collapse – and I felt it aptly applied to so many more things than just business. The point of the book was that “successful” business people were deluded if they believed that they were the source of their own success. Yes, they had a hand in it but ultimately factors WELL out of their sphere of influence resulted in their success not their ‘hard work’ or business acumen.’ By the same token the author stated that those who “failed” were o not responsible for their failure to achieve success because factors WELL out of their sphere of influence killed their plans long before they even had a chance.

I thought about this as it applies to my own life. I can only do what I can do with the tools that I have. I am the only one who really knows how badly I want ‘it’ or how hard I try or what actions I take on my own behalf. Wayne Dyer said it best “when you make judgments and criticism about other people, when you call them stupid, it doesn’t make that person stupid but it says a lot about you.” The crazy Reagan era idea of “Pull yourself up by your own boot straps” is crazy because it ASSUMES we all have boots. What if you don’t have any boots? And who says there is a universal definition of success? Of course I buy into it as much as anyone. I daydream about what success would look like and it’s a pretty conventional dream. But sometimes, I look at the facts of my life and realize I’d damn lucky to even be alive. No, I don’t have the career I want but I’d have no career at all if not for my own hard work and the help of friends and the love of my wife. I truly believe I would have killed myself 15 years ago if not for some truly caring individuals. People whose words matched their actions. People who didn’t HAVE to be there for me but were anyway because they cared. No one I envy has had to deal with my obstacles and I’m fairly certain many wouldn’t even be where I am if they had them. I am a success.

So universe, readers, I’m trying. Trying to make my words match my actions. Trying as hard as I can with what I have. Trying to accept that it is possible to have everything and STILL not win. I’m trying to accept that people are not perfect and no matter how much I want them to be they are who they are. I’m trying to be as accepting of my own definition of success as I am with the conventional American dream. I’m trying to put much less emphasis on the achieving part and lots more on the trying part. I expect I will continue to fail and I also expect to keep trying.

Breakfast at Tiffanys

2008-11-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

Ya know that annoying song 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' ? Well I find it annoying anyway the melody is catchy but becomes too repetitive too quickly and the song lends itself easily to making up your own lyrics.

My friend Julia Frey from Philadelphia CSZ is the chick in this video satire of said song. Yeah, it's STILL annoying but it made me laugh out loud.

Breakfast at Tiffany's from Olde English Comedy on Vimeo.

Me ' N' CSZ

2008-10-10T13:44:00.003-05:00

A couple pics of me at a recent CSZ photo shoot. Enjoy. (photographer: Cheryl Wise)

Still nothing yet

2008-10-02T17:13:00.002-05:00

I STILL need a job. I have 4 auditions coming up but unless I get a contract that's not the same thing as a job.

I have been offered a 1 day gig for $150 + a new suit. If I can find a suit this will be the easiest gig I've ever done.

I've been offered to teach a workshop slated to start in November. 2 things about that...1) Much like the auditions, until I'm standing in front of the class it's not really a paid job. 2) I am deliberately not mentioning the class because I genuinely like the folks who run the organization and I know they too are struggling for cash but ... well.. they are paying considerably less than I get paid elsewhere to do the same work...on the other hand NO ONE is paying me right now so there's that. I HATE having to give my work away becuase I can't afford to turn work down.

I want SO BADLY to be done with Tapestry Theater and it is still lingering on because Karen and I have about $800 in debts to pay off. I've drafted a workshop/performance scheme that I would like to sell to a college or university for $1200. 2 shows and a 6 hour master class. 1 buyer would pay off the debts and we could be done with this albatross. More than 1 and we could maybe pay ourselves a small token...something we haven't done since the company started.

I was reading some bios for other improv instructors and, as usual, misread the title of one person's solo show. However, the mistake was funny enough to me that I may just find a way to make my own show... how's this for a title:

SHAME FEST

I see a lot of potential in a shame fest. Not certain yet whether I would be shaming other people or exposing my own shame...perhaps both so the show is fair and balanced.

SOS

2008-09-12T14:19:00.001-05:00

I need a job in my field or closely related. I am a skilled and talented actor and director. I have experience teaching improv and acting classes and theater skills to corporate people.

What can I do? Act and direct theater is my number one best skill. I can also produce theatrical shows. I can teach theater skills to children and adults. I can teach business people how to use theater skills in the workplace to improve communication, facilitate team work and build morale. The job is often called CORPORATE TRAINER. I am a great public speaker.

Contact me if you can assist in any way.

______________________________________________________________________________

I’m in a bad place right now. Or to be more accurate I’ve been in a bad place for a while but I have had a few reprieves over the years that allowed me to delude myself that maybe things were changing. They weren’t. I’m very, very low.

Something needs to change in me or my life. Maybe both. I am unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I’ve been stuck in the same ‘place’ the same ‘conversation’ the same ‘argument’ for 20 years or more: “Why can’t I make any forward progress? What is wrong with me?”

I truly believe that I am a good person. I have skills and talents and ideas that are worthy of recognition. I believe I have something of worth and value to bring to the world.

Nonetheless despite believing in myself, my education, being ‘liked and respected’ I keep getting doors slammed in my face. I have neither the money nor the personal connections to help me rise above a lifetime of poverty. Yes, I said it POVERTY and I’m WHITE. I earn $5K -7K a year.

I don’t think it is possible to move up /make forward progress without assistance. Financial assistance and human. I see it everyday amongst the rich and wealthy. If you come from that world then family and friends provide opportunities for you, open doors help make connections, get you into jobs not available to anyone else maybe even create a job just for your needs and purposes. When you come from my side of the tracks to even suggest you need that kind of help is dismissed. It is outrageous to ‘expect’ people to help ‘just because YOU think you can do something’ you need to ‘prove yourself,’ ‘work hard,’ ‘make sacrifices.’

I’ve made sacrifices. More than most people might guess. I’ve suffered physical hardships in my life living without utilities, heat, and food. I’ve been ridiculed and marginalized. I’ve struggled and been at the bottom of more ladders than I can count. And I’ve lied about my happiness so others wouldn’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. The thinking that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is, in my experience, BS. Things happen because people either have the help they need or they don’t.

I need assistance. I am asking for assistance, I am begging. Something needs to change I can’t continue to be viewed as a loser by others and particularly not by myself.

Help fill my class

2008-08-07T11:36:00.003-05:00

I am the instructor for the new Teen Improv class at comedy Sportz. We will meet 5 consecutive Sunday afternoons for 2 hours 3:30- 5:30. The 5th and last class will be a show for invited friends and family. Classes take place in a 3 story walk up studio in Center City easily accessible by train/subway/bus/bike/foot and car. Unfortunately, the studio is NOT handicap accessible.

I have been the main Comedy Sportz High School league instructor for about 10, 000 years and I love working with teenagers. The energy and enthusiasm they bring to the work is inspiring. We'll learn some improv /performance basics and as many games as we can learn and play well in 8 hours. I'll work at the level of the students enrolled so no one should be concerned about their skill or ability.

Improv is a great way to experience team work, creativity and spontaneous action in a fun and safe environment. Some of the "cheesy mantras" I emphasize with student classes are really the ones that everyone, adult and student, can use on stage --even dare i say it in life "make the OTHER person look good" "Take the WORK seriously not yourself" "I forgive myself"

I need a minimum of 8 students to make this class happen. If you know anyone who might be interested have them contact ComedySportz ASAP. Below is a link to sign up for the class. Deadline for sign up is 5PM Sept 10!

http://www.comedysportzphilly.com/college.html

Now taking recommendations

2008-08-05T10:50:00.004-05:00

My bike shop is dead. Gone. No more. An ex- shop. I can't say I'm surprised. Biketopia has had more than it's fair share of troubles in the past year or so. Having grown up in the family business I know how hard it is to run your own place. Because of that I do my best to support local, independent shops when I can. Sometimes I just can't. I wish things had turned out differently for Biketopia.

It took me 2 years to find a shop like Biketopia. A place where the owner knew my name, where the folks were friendly and knowledgeable. I can't tell you how many shops I went to where either the 20-something male staff ignored me because I'm not a 20-something hot babe, or the 30-something retired race staff turned bike sales guy was only interested in talking to current or retired racers, or the sales staff were friendly to the point of smothering but didn't know squat about bikes, or if they did, tried to talk me into something I already knew I didn't want, or the staff were bike nerds without any social skills counting the minutes until I'd leave them alone so they could scuttle back behind the counter or into the shop and tinker with tools. I can't say it was as bad as shopping for a car or house but it was right up there.

Frank was different. He listened, he knew his shit and didn't try to up or down sell me anything. He knew my name and took care of my bike. I liked stopping by and having a chat on my way to or from a show or class.

I have many unkind words for rude customers and shady distributors, thieving employees and large chain stores. But I'd rather remember Biketopia as a great place to hang out and a reliable shop and a swell owner.

My dilemma now is...where do I take the cat bird? Who is going to help me with the Hercules restoration? Where am I going to hang out for 45 mins between classes or shows?

Now taking recommendations for locally owned bike shop with friendly, knowledgeable staff, reasonably priced equipment, not afraid of middle aged lesbians who never raced a bike and don't intend to start now, who like women and encourage riders of all styles and abilities with advice, suggested repairs/upgrades and have a few fun stories and jokes to share. If you know a shop like this or ARE a shop like this drop me a line.

Here's wishing you all the best Frank.

Cheers!

Back to...whatever

2008-07-28T15:22:00.003-05:00

Camp is over. 'Guys and Dolls' went well. I was very pleased with the overall performances. I wasn't happy at all with the lack of a set, but there are things beyond my control regarding camp, set design being one of them. It is always a pleasure to work with the other creative staff, it helps me remember I'm really pretty good at what I do.

I now return to my 'normal' state of unemployment and auditioning for whatever comes along. I'm teaching again in the fall but have not confirmed which class specifically. Nothing much came of working at Philly Shakespeare. To date, I haven't heard from them about auditioning or working for them again and only 1 casting person mentioned they had seen the show I was in but made no comment as to my performance. I assuming right now I'll be back to the anonymous background.

I haven't been able to ride this summer. In January I was diagnosed with fibroids and they make riding uncomfortable. I am strongly considering surgery. Although my symptoms are tolerable, I can't bend over, lift or carry heavy weight, I get tired really fast and now I can't ride. If I lived the 9 -5 admin life I suppose I could adjust and accommodate and move on. Since I like to move, I want to ride, I don't like being exhausted all the time and I don't want to gamble on if or when the fibroids will grow large enough to cause more sever symptoms I'd like to have them removed. Right now, they are distorting my abdomen a bit and making me appear much heavier than I really am. I fully own my overweight body but I'm really hating my physical appearance right now.

The fibroid thing has been emotionally overwhelming sending me alternately from denial and ignoring them to obsessing over every little thing. I've shared with a large number of people my general state of being but it is difficult to really communicate how upsetting this condition is and I'm not feeling very supported right now with the lone exception of my wife. It is TOTALLY benign so folks assume, I guess, it's no big deal or they think it is a big deal and can't handle it so they talk about their own trouble ad nausea. I end up doing more supporting and checking in and making others feel better about their lives without much in return. I know WHA WHA WHA get over yourself. I'm not in that place right now, right now everything IS personal, 'cause it's my body and how it functions and what it looks like and that takes precedence over anything else. One of the more stressful things is the choices of treating fibroids range from hysterectomy (YIKES!) to ignore them. I'm somewhere in the middle. I just want them out and my uterus in. Seems simple enough but apparently the medical and insurance world disagree.

The experience has left me feeling isolated, something I already felt. I understand when I'm out and about and auditioning and directing and all it appears I'm exaggerating or seeking attention. I think maybe this is just one of those things that if you haven't experienced you just don't get it. In the meantime I'm just trying to live my life. I'll figure out what adjustments I need to make until surgery happens and I'll deal with after surgery, well, after surgery whenever that happens.

Anyway, fibroids replaced riding this summer and I'm just doing my best to live a normal life while figuring our what to do next.

The thing is...

2008-06-17T14:15:00.003-05:00

Apparently there was an article this week in the New York Times about actor award cermonies in the theater. From the Tony's to regional and local award ceremonies almost everyone quoted in the article was overwhelmingly in favor. Duh! They gained the most from these dog and pony shows. They justify the awards by stating it launched their career or puts the stamp of "quality" on a company / production / performer / Director et al. Funders want to know their money is going to a 'quality' show. Producers want to hire 'quality' people with a proven track record. And of course everyone believes their awards to be 'fair' and 'unbiased'

The things is, it's art and by it's very nature it is biased. And the deeper entrenched the awards the more the advocates promote them as god given evidence that they are The Best XYZ.

One person, yes, one single person, an actual multi award winner in Florida stood up to say how bogus it all is. That it is difficult enough for actors to get work and make their work without the added pressure of being 'judged'

It is no secret that I think it is wonderful to see nice things, flattering, over the top things about yourself in the press. Were I to win an award I would feel...what exactly? I'm not sure because in my heart of hearts I don't need a shiny trophy to tell me I'm good at what I do. I already know it. Happy yes, a public victory, yes but a hollow personal one.

I often work with middle and high school students in theater and related projects to pay the bills. Children are obsessed with awards because it is often the only way they have of evaluating where they stand in the 'pack order' of their peers and they believe that such awards are indications of greatness yet to come.

One of my friends sent me this link today. High School Tony Awards. It made me laugh because the categories are so much like real high school theater awards. I also started thinking that adult awards shows, like the Tony's or the Philadelphia Barrymores or whatever the regional theater awards are in your local area would be a hell of a lot more fun and interesting if we all finally admitted what was really important...like "Best Daughter of a Director In a Leading Role" and "Most Sexual Tension Created in a Pre-Show Back Rub Circle"

High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

Harevey Korman

2008-05-30T14:11:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning to hear that Harvey Korman had died. I was truly sad. I understand from reading articles and watching 'behind the scenes' style tv programming that Mr. Korman was not always easy to work with but I think he was a great on screen comedian.

I grew up watching the Carol Burnett Show. Sketches featuring Tim Conway and Harvey Korman were a treat! They made the work look easy and joyful. I imagined how wonderful it must be to be them.

I watched an inhuman amount of television as a child. I watched hours of old movies and TV shows that were long ago put on the shelf. Today I guess folks have TV Land as a resource but 'back in my day we didn't have cable tv we watched what the networks ran and we liked it!'

And it's true. I liked every bit of it. I watched a lot of 'Sesame Street' that had many sophisticated jokes and story lines that helped shape my sense of humor. I watched 'The Electric Company' with Rita Moreno "HEY YOU GUUUUUUUYSSSS!" I watched The Marx Brothers, Three Stooges, Abbott and Costello, and Road To movies. I watched all of the various Lucy shows. As a teenager I watched Carol Burnett and Monty Python and Benny Hill. For my 8th birthday my dad took me to a matinée of 'The AppleDumpling Gang' featuring Tim Conway, who at the time I knew from the tv show McHales' Navy.

My sense of humor was shaped by all of these sources and more: Danny Kaye, Red Skelton, Buddy Hackett, Bob Hope, Jimmy Durante, Mae West, The Little Rascals. I'm sure I've missed about 1000 others but if they were on TV between 1969 and 2008 I've seen them.

Bravo Mr. Korman. Bravo!

I has a sad

2008-05-09T14:01:00.002-05:00

I started rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet and Pericles the last week of January. It was winter. I wore a heavy coat. I was anxious and excited and looking forward to working and about 10,000 other things. Mostly I was looking forward to the long contract, about 16 weeks of paid employment AS AN ACTOR!

Over the course of the production I've gotten to know my fellow cast members, been privy to their ups and downs. I've been through my own assorted demons medical and psychological. I've been cranky and mean spirited and joyous and I hope uplifting. The weather has gotten warmer and I don't wear a coat to the theater anymore. It has been truly a blessing to have had the opportunity to keep getting to know my characters, try things out and have the luxury of doing it over several shows not just one or two then *bam!* the show is over. I have been greatful for this opportunity.

I am ready to move on except I haven't anything to move on to. I think, but I am not 100% certain, I will be returning to theater camp to direct again. The confusion lies in a lack of communication from the camp rather than any ambivalence on my part.

Because of the rehearsal / performance schedule I was unable to attend any auditions this winter like I did last year. I hope to get a few in over the next few weeks. I hope but won't hold my breath that I may be invited back to PSF next season. As much as I really do not desire to do anything else but act professionally I grow weary of not knowing what's next. I feel envy toward people who go from show to show. I always have becuase it has never happened to me. There are a few in production with me now, spending their days or between show time in rehearsals for the next show, the next staged reading, the next commercial while I sit and wonder if I'm going back to theater camp. I don't like feeling that way and I don't like who I am when I feel that way.

I am 9 days away from the end of my contract. 9 days from daily intimate quarters with 17 other people. 9 days from having a routine, 9 days remaining of paid employment in my chosen career. 9 days from now I say goodbye to my 'friends' and as is the routine we will all promise to stay in touch and see each other's shows and get together for whatevers and if that happens at all it will be infrequently as we all move in different directions. Usually it's just something nice to say, no one really does it.

This may be what 'we theater people' do, a normal 'part of the business' but that doesn't make the experience any easier. This group of people will never be together in exactly the same way again. Maybe next time it will be even better, or a living hell, or more likely a let down of neutrality - neither as great as it's been nor really bad just sort of 'eh.'

So I has a sad as I watch this weird, strange,wonderful, quirky bunch of artists disband and I move into the obscurity that is my life.

Yep.

I has a sad.

Right or Left Brain?

2008-04-18T15:27:00.003-05:00

Which way do you see the dancer turning?

When I saw this the first time it was counter-clockwise. I looked again recently and I can only see clockwise. Either this is an elaborate hoax or my brain defies my own understanding.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22535838-5012895,00.html

Pericles at Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival

2008-04-08T23:05:00.003-05:00

"Imagine Pericles arrived at Tyre..."
I am the masked person in the right side of the photo.

So both Romeo and Juliet and Pericles are up and running. It was an intense rehearsal process and illness threated -- actually still does threaten -- to down more than one of us in the cast. I was deadly ill just days before opening with laryngitis and fever. 2 weeks later I'm recovered but still not quite 'better.'

Romeo and Juliet is a fine production. PSF hasn't done anything fancy, new, different, nor exciting. It is what it is. We all know the story and for once you can just sit back and watch /listen without needing to engage your brain to 'justify' an R & J in space or underwater or in gibberish or mime or whatever.

Pericles is great spectacle and deserves to be seen. I think the photo above gives you a good idea what I'm talking about.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't challenging to bring both pieces to life, that there were not struggles and setbacks and unexpected changes but isn't that true of most theater?

For the most part we've had very good feedback for both shows and most audiences have been awed by Pericles. We've had decent reviews for Pericles as well.

Still I'm sad that some reviewers have felt obligated to use their limited column space to prove to their readers they are too cool for school. If you don't like a show, fine that's your prerogative. All I ask is that the review speaks to what the reviewer does not like -- director's choices, actors ability to realize said choices, sets, lights, costumes, physical space -- in an intelligent and thoughtful manner such that the average person reading the review might understand what the reviewer expected or believed should have taken place and what actually happened instead.

IMHO if you don't know how (and/or refuse to educate yourself) to comment intelligently on these elements then you have no business calling yourself a theater critic and certainly not even a reviewer. You are at best a gossip whose opinion matters less than the medium in which you write. Making snarky comments about the physical / vocal attributes of an actor is not your job. Using grade school language (here I refer specifically to 1 online review stating the plot of Pericles is 'stupid') should be left exactly there...grade school.

I'm fairly honest with friends and family about the shows I'm in and I don't over promote plays that really are better left forgotten. I'm not so blind as to be unaware of the flaws. Pericles isn't the 'perfect show' nor is it destined to be the 'IT" show of 2008 but it is damn fine spectacle and it would be a shame not to see it based on a handful of poorly composed reviews.

If you live in or near the Philadelphia area I hope you'll have a chance to check it out and judge for yourself.

Catching up...

2008-02-22T16:39:00.004-05:00

I didn't realize how much time has passed since my last post. My apologies.

I'm currently in rehearsals with the Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival. I will be playing Lady Montegue in Romeo and Juliet and Dionyza / chorus in Pericles. What's that you say... you never read Pericles...don't worry, neither had I before this production. I'll give a quickie synopsis below bu let me preface it by saying the script we are using is from the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and has been modified from what you might read in say A Riverside edition. It has music and movement and a fully robed / masked greek chorus in lieu of the character "Gower" As for Lady Montegue... I have 2 lines in the first scene, 1 silent appearance in the middle and I am (as we say in Comedy Sportz) [clap clap] outta here. A WHOLE lot of sitting int he green room for me. None the less, it has been a lot of fun working on something NOT improvised and NOT comedy.

Pericles Quickie synopsis -- think soap opera with lots of time and location jumps --

We start with Pericles trying to win a bride by solving a rival king's riddle" If he solves it he is supposed to win the hand of the princess. THE CATCH -- the lovely princess is having an incestuous affair with her father which is the meaning of the riddle. Most can't solve the riddle and those who don't are killed but Pericles is a smartypants and figures it out the king is embarrassed and plots to Have P. killed. P. makes a hasty get away back home.

THEN P. realizes his escape may have been a bit too easy surely the king will try and have him killed so P. leaves home again and heads with ship loads of wheat to another neighboring island that has fallen on hard times and where the people are dying of hunger

P. meets Dionyza (that's me) and her husband King Cleon gives them wheat we all rejoice then P. needs to leave again --pesky bounty hunters!

P. is shipwrecked on yet another island where he competes for the hand of yet another Princess...they marry, she gets pregnant...bounty hunters again... P. and his wife Thaisa decided to return to Pericles home land...by boat

At sea there is a tempest and P.'s wife seems to die in childbirth. The baby, Marina, is ok but the sailors insist on dumping Thaisa's body overboard to calm the storm. P. is not happy but agrees and slips a note about who she is and some money in her coffin then heads back to Dionyza and Cleon to leave them to raise Marina until he can get back

Meanwhile Thaisa is NOT dead...she washes up on an island where there is a temple devoted to the goddess Diana. She stays to become a votress of Diana

BIG TIME JUMP

Dionyza grows jealous of P.'s daughter and plots to have her killed --sort of like that mother of the cheerleader did in Texas a few years back...

P. returns to get his daughter only to discover she is "dead"

Only Marina isn't dead...pirates interrupt the murder...kidnap her and sell her to brothel.

Mariana talks her way out of being a prostitute by talking to the potential clients about their better qualities/hopes/dreams. And it works. Word spreads of this prostitute who wouldn't be

MEANWHILE

Since learning of M.'s death Pericles has taken a vow of silence and just sails around the Mediterranean sea waiting to die. His adviser thinks it might be good for him to meet this weird prostitute as she can cheer anyone up.

They bring Marina on board and without too much dialog Pericles discovers this is his daughter -- hooray! And to celebrate they head off to the temple of Diana where...OMG! there is Thaisa!!! double hooray!

Happy ending.

In Basenji news:

It has been COLD and windy here. Loki won't walk in the wind. She gets spooked by things blowing around. Since last year we've been trying some of the Dog Whisperer techniques with her and they have worked pretty well but it is something you have to do EVERY time. At least in my experience..just doing the techniques until she got it then assuming we didn't need to drill every day resulted in a slow but steady relapse of bad habits for both human and dog. But I have to say she really thrives on the dominant pack leader thing. Sure she challenges for a status upgrade but once we settle those issues she's a happy pup. Oh, and I'm on a private campaign to stop folks from using rock slat and other chemicals on sidewalks and streets...INSTEAD SAFE PAW and other products like it are JUST AS EFFECTIVE, won't damage your sidewalks, lawn and more importantly won't BURN THE PADS OFF MY DOG's FEET. Thanks!

In Bike news

The Hercules remains untouched. I don't have time to work on it yet but I will, I will.

Diane and I are looking to buy an indoor trainer that I can use over the winter for exercise as well as to practice with my new clip less pedals. I'm hoping to spend under $100 but would MAYBE consider $150 if the thing were just fabulous. Let's remeber I'm a recreational rider with a now chronic bad knee. I'm not racing, I'm probably not even going to do any charity rides this summer...I ride for the sheer joy of riding, in my mind though, I'm a racing tour de force.

State of Mind

I've decided I want to be happy. I know that sounds weird, who doesn't. But I'm really tired of being unhappy. I have a lot to be unhappy about so I'm not trying to go all Pollyanna. When I catch myself feeling unhappy I'm trying to consider whether it is worth the time or if it's something best forgotten until later or consider if I'm overreacting. When I find myself in a group of people who bring me down I try and leave or change the conversation or just tune out until it seems 'safe.' Much like training Loki this is a full time job -- but like training Loki it's worth it when it's working.

On that note,

Much happiness to you!

Strange customs

2007-12-17T15:16:00.000-05:00

It is strange to me to be an adult the 21st century and encounter other adults around my age, some younger, some older, some men, mostly women who do not know how to do things for themselves.

Most often I see this in the heterosexual or 'straight' culture. From mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, taking the car to the garage, paying bills, to cooking and cleaning and taking care of daily needs these people claim to not know how to do the tasks and express no interest in learning, instead preferring to forgo the necessary task until someone else will do it. I want to stress the difference between 'not liking' to do said items and having 'no experience. ' For example, I do not 'like' to cook or take the car to the garage, but I can and do DO those things nonetheless...if I can't persuade Diane to do them. :-)

What frightens me is women in particular but men too, seem unfamiliar with and a tad unwilling to undertake basic functional duties in life. And should they eventually learn to do them seem to expect undo praise for doing a task they believe should be done by the opposite gender or different socio-economic class. When Diane and I hung new shutters on the house this fall many people were taken aback. We were often asked if we were sure we didn't need a man to do the job. For the record it is not a hard task. Drill a hole in the wall, place the shutter over the holes, tap in the plastic retainer. About as difficult as burping Tupperware. The task WAS difficult because our drill was not powerful enough to drill through the wall requiring some research and a rental drill. While I'm not scared of heights the more powerful drill that we rented made being up at the top of the ladder challenging. In the end we did ask a male friend to help us but not becuase he was male but becuase he had done this job before. If I knew a woman who had done the job I might have asked her instead.

It seems to me more and more women are living their lives in some fantasy film version of the 1950's where tasks are gender specific. Their socio-economic class also seems to delude them into believing they they could never do 'x' (like mowing the lawn.)

As a lesbian I have no other choice but to do basic household tasks myself. There is no man who will clean the gutters or wash the car. As a poor person I can't afford to hire a company to do things for me. As a girl raised in the 1970's with women's empowerment I was taught that all tasks can be accomplished by anyone. I know many single women who, like me, have no man around so when the dishwasher breaks out come the tools. It always strikes me as overtly classist/racist/misogynistic when I hear someone say they can't/won't/never did a task and don't seem inclined to learn; When the neighbor's lawn needs cut but the wife never used a lawn mower and besides that's a 'mans' job or the husband won't wash the dishes.

No one is born knowing specific information. We LEARN how to do certain tasks. Everyone with more than 2 brain cells to rub together can LEARN. True some may be more adept at certain things but it doesn't prevent you from learning and making your best attempt. Knowledge is power.

Ladies...our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers fought hard to level the playing field...PLEASE use that education and take care of a few basic tasks for yourself. I'll congratulate you for learning I might even ask you to teach me but don't expect a party...it's just stuff...the routine everyday stuff of life...if your living you should know how to do it.

HUGE THANK YOU

2007-12-12T11:19:00.000-05:00

A HUGE thank you to artist Teresa Dowlatshahi creator of Frog Applause for today's strip.

I LOVE IT!!
Find Teresa / Frog Applause and other great artists on MyComics. com Honestly, I keep plugging the site but I'm not getting any money from it. Zippo. Nadda. I just really like comics and I like supporting artists of all varieties when I'm able. As my dear partner would say, there are enough people out there ready, willing and able to tear you down why not be one of the ones who gives a little love and support now and again. Rock On Teresa!

Holy Cow

2007-12-11T16:38:00.000-05:00

Holy Cow, it's the holiday season. Once again I find myself caught up in the magic and fun of the season yet not being a child myself nor having any children, not having any family with children. I'll be struggling to pay the bills let alone indulge in buying gifts for anyone. I'll be continually torn up over wanting to be a part of the insanity and not wanting anything to do with it at all.

In my perfect world I'd have a huge party for everyone I know. It would be a formal party and anyone who felt they couldn't afford the appropriate attire would be able to purchase what they need on my account...my gift to you. There would be a huge Christmas tree and a chamber orchestra, and dancing, and champagne, hors d'oeuvres, and gifts for everyone who attended. The party would last 3 days. You would feel like you just entered a scene from some 1940's film and for just few hours on one special night you'd feel like everything in your life and the lives of everyone you know was perfect. Because that's my fantasy of Christmas.

Thanks to the friend I've known the longest in my life I'm now indulging in the world of FaceBook. OMG! How to lose hours and hours of your life and not even know it. It gives one the illusion of having closeness to people who in reality you spend very little time with. As a networking tool, to reconnect with people you may have lost touch with or as a way to stay in touch with casual friends who aren't nearby it's a fun little gadget. However, for an honest to goodness friendship connection nothing beats face to face contact, a phone call or personal email .

Still...at the moment I'm enamored. I will need to curb this time suck from my life or else I'll never leave the house again and I already struggle with that I don't need help from FaceBook.

Stuff that makes me smile

2007-11-17T12:18:00.000-05:00

I love comic strips. I have an account with mycomicspage.com. You can sign up for $12/year and get as many comic strips emailed to you daily as you like. It is great way to see old favorites and get to know new or different artists. They have everything from political cartoons to just plain silly.

A while back Diane got me hooked on a strip entitled 'Big Top' by Rob Harrell. Unfortunately for Mr. Harrell not enough papers picked up his strip and he was forced to stop writing/drawing 'Big Top.' It was a very sad day for me. Thanks to mycomicspage.com I can re-read the strip as often as I like. I hope Mr. Harrell is making at least a little money from them. I know I am happy to see Dusty, Pete, Wink et all back in my email.

I have been trying out a strip entitled 'Frog Applause' by Teresa Dowlatshahi. Truth be told I only 'get it' about 70% of the time but the ones that appeal to me...well lets just say they stick with me for days.

Below is a 'Frog Applause' strip I received today. It sums up the state of mind I'm attempting to embrace. Plus, it makes me smile.

Frog Applause by Teresa Dowlatshahi

Crazy Shakespeare Lady

2007-11-12T13:34:00.001-05:00

I perform comedy improvisation, I teach Shakespeare to inner city kids. I am the Crazy Shakespeare Lady.

At least that's how students most often refer to me. I give a lot of myself in classes. They are 90 min 1 woman shows. Mostly becuase it is more fun for me and I have so few opportunities in my life to act that, yes, I AM that desperate for attention that I'll sink so low as to 'perform' for the kids. I also think school, learning, and classes don't need to be a snooze fest. I try to make certain every one has a good time, and learns something in away that they will remember long after they have left school. School House Rock is a big influence. Not that I sing or make up rhymes I just want to present material in a style that students remember be they corporate suits, inner city high school kids or elite private school grade schoolers.

I have to pay the bills somehow and it is well established that traditional office jobs and other customer service industry style jobs that many actors do are not well suited for me nor I for them. So I teach workshops, classes, 1 day seminars for any organization that will hire me. That means I take a lot of work that doesn't deeply interest me but I FIND a way to MAKE it interest me becuase the alternatives are, to me, not acceptable. For the time involved these jobs pay well. For the randomness of the work I'd make more money being a minimum wage cashier.

I just completed a 5 day residency in Shakespeare for a charter school in a rough section of the city. On the final day I asked the students what they expected from this workshop and how what we did either met or fell short of expectations. The course curriculum wants me to gear the conversation to language and theater. Kids like this won't talk about that stuff even if they have an opinion. At least it is rare to hear them voice those comments out loud in a group. Privately or on paper maybe. So this class instead said they had expected me to be:
"old" "really old--like bent-over old, with gray wiry hair."

Why?

"who else would teach Shakespeare for 5 days like this?"

Who indeed.

on my mind...today

2007-11-01T13:19:00.000-05:00

This is a photo of a Hercules Bike circa 1940. Diane owns one like this but it is not currently in ridable condition. It has been in and out of various storage facilities (basement of apartment, garage, storage shed) for so long the tires are beyond dried, they could be used as lethal weapons. After riding Frank's revamped Bridgestone a while back I had the crazy idea I might spend the winter attempting to bring old Herc back to life. I've NEVER done ANY mechanical work on a bike EVER. OK, last fall I changed a busted tube on the Cat Bird for the first time. I have a few tools and I figure the bike isn't being ridden anyway so it's not like I'm going to f'up a working machine. I don't have the courage to work on the Cat Bird but this might be a great place to start. Sort of like when dads buy their sons a piece of shit car from a junk yard and they work on restoring it together. Only, I'll be doing this alone. I don't know anyone to help. If I get in trouble I figure I can haul it over to Frank.

The weather here is finally 'fall-like' and Loki's energy is on HIGH! I don't know what it is about cool temperatures and Basenji's. Mine at least love temps between 55 and 70 degrees.

I love my wife, like my house and I like being an actor. I HATE that my house and my wife and I are in Philadelphia. I have no evidence that living elsewhere in the USA would net better results professionally or personally but I sure as hell know that being here nets me very little.
The list of current peeves that keep me from functioning as a normal person instead of ruminating on grievances both real and perceived:

Over the past week I learned that a show in which I have often performed and believed to not be happening, will in fact be happening next week. I DID say I was not interested in participating in this one, so that it is happening is not the issue. It is that I was under the impression it wasn't happening at all. I got that impression from others with whom I have done this show who told me they were also not participating. Now I learn that was never the case. I'm hurt and angry no one said anything at all to me. If they wanted me out, this is a hell of a way to tell me. If this is how I am regarded I'm not sure I want anything more to do with the show. It has eroded my trust in a lot of people.
Last night I learned that yet another "acting looks like more fun than my job. I'm quitting to become an actor" person has been cast in a show going up next month. I am sick and tired of being out of work while nice people with no training seem to have no problem getting started. It will not surprise me if this up-t'ill-now relatively unheard of and inconsequential company is the surprise sleeper hit of 2007 and this person nominated for Best Actor.
I am tired of being in need of support and help only to find when I reach out that I am unwittingly in a 'competition' for whose life is worse. I don't want to compete for who has a worse life. I need empathy, understanding, companionship and assistance. I don't need a lecture or a 'pep talk' and I don't think it realistic that I can be 'fixed' with a few simple do's and don't s conversation. Stop being surprised when 2 days later I'm 'still' feeling badly or 'nothing has changed.' I need someone who will 'be there' regardless of how I'm feeling If I don't answer the phone --leave a message. If you don't hear from me --try email. If you still don't hear from me try stopping in. Depression is like that. Sometimes just getting up to walk the dog is about all I can manage. Sorry but that's the truth and I can't keep putting on a show so others won't feel disgusted, put out or uncomfortable.
It bothers me unreasonably that a person I know shares so much of their life with mutual acquaintances but with me everything about their life is top secret. WTF?!
It bothers me that someone I know is incapable of being anything other than superficial. I need them to step up instead of being so focused on themself. The cold truth is it will never happen. Any more than I can bend spoons with my mind. The sooner I can let this go for good the better off I'll be.

And that's just today's thoughts...imagine what the rest of the week was like!

OBX

2007-10-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

Off to ride...

Sunrise: 6:49 am

Loki exploring the beach for crabs

eroding dunes...the snow fences are supposed to help

The light house at Corolla (aka Currituck Light House) where the 19 mile ride began

Just back form our annual vacation to the Outer Banks, NC. We have been vacationing there for over 10+ years around mid to late October. The past 3 years or so we have been going down the 2^nd week or so and have found the weather a tad warmer and many more sunny days. This year was no exception!

I fulfilled half a dream riding one way from Currituck Light house to the place we were staying 19.63 miles per ye olde bike computer. It was a steady headwind the entire ride but temps were in the mid 70’s and not a cloud in sight. Diane rode with me. I’m glad she did because it was a much lonelier ride than I anticipated. Next year I hope to make it a round trip ride up and back but much will depend on weather and how much I ride over the summer. I didn’t get to ride as often as I would have liked partly due to knee injury and partly due to being a lazy slug. I am stronger that I imagined but MUCH weaker than I was last year at this time when I was riding 3+ days a week.

I took advantage of the hot tub-Jacuzzi after the ride and it helped speed recovery! Then , addicted to the warm water and jet nozzles hitting all the knotted muscles in my body (Knees, shoulders, lower back) spent several more days and starry nights as well.

Visited our friends at Outer Barks on the first day there. Sadly, we didn’t make it back for Yappy Hour on Friday and when we stopped Saturday they wern't in the shop. We always enjoy a chat with Robin and Kevin. Hope we catch them again next year!

I also took a kayak tour with Mary and Judy. I enjoyed the quiet and the illusion of being secluded on a canal near the sound. I'm not overfond of being ON the water though. This was a short trip, about 1.5 hours and that was just about long enough for me. I can understand why folks like to do it but I don't think I'll be jonesing for a kayak any time soon.

I find it difficult to return home. I really like the scrub pines, crepe myrtle bushes and rolling unspoiled dunes. I like the cleanliness of the place and the politeness and the pace of life. I always think about just squatting and hoping no one will find me until can get established there. Of course I have no idea what I would do, no theaters as far as I can tell, and housing prices are surreal. This year was not quite as difficult as in the past. I think because I have been out of regular work for so long my day to day life at home already feels like an unwanted extended vacation. For those who think not having a regular job is like living on easy street, let me assure you that it is not. I don’t want to spoil my recent good trip with unpleasantness, suffice it to say that a sense of self worth and satisfying work go along way toward positive mental good health and extended unemployment and a lack of accomplishment go far in eroding that same good health.

Today in Philly it is damp, rainy and a tad on the cold side. It is hard to remember that just last week I was 400 miles away, beach side in sunny 80 degree weather. Sigh.

Smooth As Ice -again

2007-09-13T14:49:00.001-05:00

Smooth As Ice is Loki's AKC registered name. Her coat as a young pup was so silky smooth and soft she felt like a rare and expensive plush toy.

Over the past year we've seen her coat go all to hell. Her thyroid has been out of whack. Blood tests all showed her levels to be within 'normal' although low normal. But her coat and behavior suggested she was not feeling her Basenji best. At it's worst, instead of an expensive plush toy she looked like a bargain basement toy that had been left out in the rain for months on end then run over by rush hour traffic.

Some research on our end suggested that some hounds, in the specific article I read it referenced Greyhounds, normal thyroid levels are often higher than the 'average' non-hound dog. Meaning even though the blood tests show low normal, that is 'too low' for a hound. More research on Basenjis and thyroid levels corroborated what we reading in reference to Greyhounds and other hound dogs.

Our vet also did some research and consulted with an endocrinologist specializing in thyroid issues in dogs. We all agreed to start Loki out on a very small dose of levothyroxine. Initially it worked. Her coat came back and so did her energy. That was about 3 months ago.

It seems as though her body developed a tolerance for the drug. Retesting her blood revealed that her levels were better than before initial use of the Levo but her coat was falling out at an alarming rate. About 3 weeks ago we upped the dosage slightly and --WOW! She is Smooth As Ice again.

I'm sure we'll be doing this little dance of adjusting her meds the rest of her life. I am just so thankful that at least right now this is the only health issue she has. Dealing with Titan's Fanconi drugs and later seizures was nightmarish. One of those experiences that you just hunker down and do and don't think about until after it's over. Then you wonder how anyone manages to do so much with so little let alone how you manged yourself.

Keeping fingers crossed and knocking wood that this little hellion of Basenji is around and healthy for many, many years to come.

Gone Ridin' be back later

2007-09-06T12:36:00.000-05:00

I've had 4 days between shows this week. 4 days to contemplate all the ways in which I hate my life. Then I got a call. Cat Bird. 4 days of exquisite weather, how can I be such a 'bad' person? Leaving that poor Cat Bird in the garage. There's nothing else to do but take her out.

Since I haven't been out much this summer I'm taking it easy but the good news is that I'm stronger now, even after months of inactivity than I was before. Pushing the big gears a lot more often. I adjusted my seat post a wee higher. Still haven't put on the clip-less pedals but just wearing the shoes (without cleats-duh)has made a HUGE difference.

The downside: Drivers. Even when there is no traffic, when they have MORE than enough room to pass, they insist on getting up behind me then gunning the engine and swerve past. I'm not one of those 'I bike everywhere cars are evil' kind of rider. I drive. I drive a lot. I bike becuase I enjoy it. Because it is good for my mental and physical health. I bike because it is FUN FUN FUN.

(side note...a very small child in my neighborhood, maybe 4 years old, was out on his first no training wheels ride the other day. The road is a very slight downgrade. He started at the 'top' and coasted down to the 'bottom' yelling 'WHEE WOO HOO' all the way. My feelings exactly!)

I would never think of harassing a rider the way people harass me. And as many other bike riding bloggers say we always meet up again at the next stop sign.

I guess I'm supposed to be intimidated or impressed by their 'big' engines. As if I don't drive. Yet, if it was them, or one of their 'precious children' on the road I'm sure they would have plenty to say about that style of driving.

I know in PA a bike is a vehicle and is supposed to be on the road. It is illegal to ride on the side walk. I know bike purists 'claim' the road but for folks like me, I would appreciate widening the side walks or elevating the bike lanes. I do prefer to be on the road but not when it comes to risking my life due to a-holes and idiots.

The bike lanes are almost non existent in the 'burbs of Philly. What few there are are not maintained (trash and other debris, pot holes or parked cars) making them useless. Adding bike lanes may be a good ideology and it sounds good on paper but if traffic cops don't enforce the laws, governments don't maintain the roads and policy groups don't make an effort re: public awareness of driving laws, bikes and bike lanes I'm afraid I'd agree that adding bike lanes IS a waste of money.

More paved closed-to-traffic 'trails' or paths, widened sidewalks or elevated or barrier protected lanes makes more sense.

Aye, there's the rub

2007-08-23T18:17:00.000-05:00

Many things are rubbing me the wrong way lately. Or maybe they are rubbing me exactly they way they are supposed too. I don't necessarily mean my clothing which, in fact is getting tighter by the minute since this year's mental introspection led to a lapse in physical activity.

No, what I mean is how self promotion and 'attitude' strikes me as overly antagonistic. Am I just a big wimp when it comes to self promotion? Granted I have a lot of personal issues that lead me generally to feel like I don't 'deserve' positive attention. I fake that disability well in public but behind closed doors people I'm a right mess. Perhaps I'm just too sensitive and self centered thinking that 'tooting one's own horn' so to speak is meant as a dig at me and mine. Perhaps it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with putting in a dig at the 'competition' and ONLY to do with getting attention.

I wonder, is there any such thing as self promotion without even just a little slam, however unintentional, at someone else?

I am 65% convinced that people are just not aware of how their self promotion is perceived OR they have given up trying to find a way to showcase themselves without putting someone else or some other group down.

Just about the time when I start to think it's just me life offers the opportunity for me to spend time with a person who is genuine. Meaning a person who doesn't need to puff themselves up directly or indirectly. A person whose actions speak for themselves, who doesn't need to manipulate a situation or other people. A person who just is themselves 'warts and all.' I know a handful of these souls and one is the owner of Biketopia.

I like to stop in and visit Frank from time to time. I enjoy spending time with someone who is just themselves without any extra bs. I know that we don't have that much in common except we are fellow humans and i bought my bike from him, but honestly isn't that enough? Frank has a great new cat Smooty and I'm a sucker for animals. Frank has a great new commuter bike he's rebuilt. He let me ride it around the block today. Sweet. It is impossible not smile when you are on that bike no matter how bad you feel. Check out Franks' blog. If you live near Havertown, Pa stop in Biketopia. There may be 'fancier' shops out there but no one is more genuine or honest than Frank.

expectation

2007-08-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

I was set a task in May. Pick 2 people that I would like to get to know better and contact them once a week either by phone or email or letter or any combination. The contact needn't be 'deep' just 'hello thinking of you today' if I had news or things I felt like sharing do that be honest and open don't censor and don't have any expectations.

They needed to be people I already know; People that have some connection to me, they know some facts about my life and we have a shared history maybe from work or school or the like but I don't normally 'share' my feelings with them or talk about anything other than superficial news, the weather, work. The people I pick needed to be one's that I might like a deeper connection with but don't feel like I have that now.

During this year of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I know a lot of people but very few I call friend. Like most modern Americans I throw the term 'friend' around to cover a wide range of relationships but in my heart I don't consider them friends. I set a high standard for a friend. It was posed that perhaps my standard is too high thereby preventing people from getting to know me more intimately. That I hold people at arms length and create a self fulling circumstance, that of feeling like I have 'no friends.' By reaching out to just a few people on a regular basis I could establish a mundane and regular connection then slowly try the waters and see if the relationship could go beyond superficial conversation. Many of them won't but maybe a couple will and that's really all adults have in their life anyway- a couple close friends and a lot of acquaintances.

I picked my starting 2. 1 was my college mentor and favorite professor. Someone who saw me thru some difficult personal circumstances but who I haven't spoken to in 15+ years. The other someone I knew in Philly who moved away and I occasional contact and always feel guilty about not making more of an effort to keep up with.

The first I wrote a long letter. I received a phone call that I interpreted as an enthusiastic response. We exchanged contact information and I received an email inviting more conversation. Despite reservations I tried not to over think this and took the invitation at face value. After the email I made 1 call and the conversation went as you might expect. It was pleasant but superficial and neither of us had much to say. That was in early June. About 1 week later I sent an email that went unanswered. No problem it's summer folks are traveling, people have lives and it isn't like I'm on the top of the priority list, me whose been absent for 15 years. I let 2 weeks go by and tried another phone call - voice mail. Since late June I sent 2 more emails and tried 1 more phone call. None of my messages have been returned. I'm not sure what to think. Despite being invited to continue conversation not receiving any response for 2 months would indicate to me that this is a dead end pursuit. If that is true it saddens me deeply. And of course I feel it is something I did or said that has caused the nascent reconnection to go dead. Did I reveal too much and cause this person to feel uncomfortable? Do they feel like I'm some unstable psycho stalking them now- so many attempts to communicate after so long an absence? OR maybe something is going on in their life and returning my calls or email is a low, low priority. Maybe they were in an accident and either too injured to call or dead?

Bottom line is I have NO information and with only partial facts and nothing else to go on it is my habit to assume the worst- usually the worst about myself, then the worst in others. Then I withdraw and cut myself off from people not wanting to be embarrassed, thought badly of or hurt.

The 2nd person and I have exchanged a few emails and recently we had a long phone conversation. We were already comfortable enough to share slightly more intimate personal information. Interestingly, I felt the urge to steer conversation back to neutral topics OR to 'fix' problems essentially bring the conversation back to neutral. Be careful what you wish for, hun? I'm trying hard to face my fear that revealing too much will kill another potential friendship.

Just can't kill the demon EXPECTATION.

Indefinite maximum fascination

2007-08-01T15:55:00.000-05:00

Many things have kept me from the Cat bird this summer. I am more than a little ashamed of that. Still, there is no reason not to start anew. Per the CSZ mantra: 'I forgive myself' Once published I will be letting the catbird out of her cage for a much deserved ride. Also, in the spirit of starting anew, Sunday is my birthday. While I am not ashamed of my age I find that it is less and less advantageous to be so open about it, particularly since I haven't won any races or achieved anything remotely resembling what mainstream -- even not-so-mainstream America would consider success.

Women are most fascinating between the ages of 35 and 40 after they have won a few races and know how to pace themselves. Since few women ever pass 40, maximum fascination can continue indefinitely.”
Christian Dior quotes

I miss Mike

2007-07-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

It will be 1 year ago next week that Mike died.

I miss Mike.

I'm back...briefly

2007-06-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

So I've been away from the blog for awhile. The weather's been great but due to ongoing knee problems, a feeling of being dead tired, teaching a workshop here and there and rehearsing for a 1 night only benefit show for Philadelphia's International House I have had virtually NO TIME on the Catbird.

BOO!

My little borough started a weekend farmers market and I rode the Catbird up to town to buy some fresh veggies 2 weeks ago. Even though it is only a 2 mile round trip I felt SO GOOD. I can't explain why being on a bike makes me so happy. It isn't about speed, 'cause I don't have much speed unless I'm heading down hill. It isn't about endurance because I don't have much of that either. I think it is is the feeling of fluid motion and being outdoors. I ended up making it a 5 mile trip when I returned to town to get lunch, drop of some letters and go home. My first ever commute on a bike.

I've been out about 3 times altogether this month each ride for about 5 -6 miles. Easy flat ride around the immediate neighborhood.

I went to the pro cycling "Commerce bank Triple Crown race in Philly this weekend - formerly known as the Core States. It was the first time I've been to a pro cycling event. I had SO MUCH FUN! OK so the riders are going like 20- 30 mph and are virtually a blur of color and wind as they ride past, then you wait 20 mins for them to come back around but outside of going to an LPGA tournament (which I also did this week - Day 1 McDonalds) I can't imagine a better sporting event. You are SO CLOSE to the athletes and the groupies and the atmosphere.

I could only stay about an hour or so because I had to teach my improv class. Di and I arrived not too long after the start of the race so not many spectators were there yet. Walking up the parkway we saw a water bottle on the ground. At first I just thought it was normal Philly trash. I went to pick it up to throw out and realized it was an official team water bottle. OK yes it was sweaty and gross and had the remains of spit and sports drink inside but it was official team equipment! I am now the proud owner of Jelly Belly Cycling water bottle. NOT available on the team website FYI.

The SWAG and other official merchandise for sale was, imho, LAME. I think this is one area where both teams and events can improv in huge ways. I'm a cycling fan. I'm not an 'insider' I don't know the terms or the names of all the teams or the stats or who rides for what team. I just like the sport. I'm not someone with disposable income. So how about a few more 'officially licensed' items for those of us who want to support a team or teams but only want to spend $30 - $50...like team water bottles or t shirts with team logos or seat bags or posters or magnets or buttons or static cling window decals or flags. Right now I can afford socks. Socks are fine if I was completing a full team kit 'look' but not very satisfying as a souvenir. Cycling is NOT alone here-- the LPGA has missed the boat BIG TIME and I'm sure there are other sports or events that could use some improvement.

Blogging may be slow for a the next few weeks. I start directing High School Musical next week for summer camp. I have something like 95 kids ages 7 - 12 to somehow make into an ensemble in 2.5 weeks.

Yes. You may pity me.

Next up

2007-05-09T09:14:00.000-05:00

If anyone is in the Philadelphia area next Thursday come see my team in TROIKA. What is TROIKA? Follow the link, I'm too lazy today to type it all in or even copy and paste. Don't care to follow the link? OK...3 3 person team of improvisers who have never worked together are thrown together on short notice. They rehearse a 'form' and the audience votes on which team they liked best. There are 3 rounds the winners of each round play each other in December to be crowned winners. My team is BUY THIS. Here's the down and dirty:

1. Anthony Marsala, Frank Tartaglia & Kristin Finger as "Frank's In Florid"

2. Dave Dritsas, Dave Warick & Tommy Highland as "Knots Gordian"

3. Jon Sales, Kelly Jennings & Tabitha Vidaurri as "Buy This"

Your votes decide!

TROIKA: Season Two, Round Two
Thursday, May 17th @ 8pm
The Actor's Center
257 N. Third St
$10

I'm not myself

2007-04-27T14:17:00.000-05:00

Apparently when my parents named me they were unaware that my name would become as common as Jane Doe or John Smith. Google my name and you will not find me unless you add more qualifiers and can pick me out of the crowd. So what? Well. Your right. In the grand scheme of life, exactly, so what. Except I'm an actor and I like to see my name in lights and read nice things about myself in the press. In my circle of colleagues, if you Google their names, many of them come right up on the first page. You don't need to add additional qualifiers. I'm on page 20 after the football player who stole my name, the high school kid who won some prize, a priest, a computer guy, a couple real estate agents, and a CPA from UDel.

Here's the plan

2007-04-24T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's warm again. Hooray. I have time today. Hooray. Despite these things I've been up since 9AM and have accomplished nothing but breakfast and installing a new shower head. Loki is pleading for a walk. Catbird sits idle in the garage. I have a meeting at 3:30. Right now it is almost 1PM.

Here's the plan. After this entry that makes me feel productive but in fact contribute in no way to my health, well being, career or financial status (unless, dear reader, you click on those Google ads ) I'm taking Loki on a long walk. I'll bring water for the both of us--being black coated she tends to feel the heat. I'll head to my meeting and take a long ride afterwards.

That's the plan and I'm sticking to it.

All I can think about...

2007-04-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

I WANT THEM ALL!!

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

Diane has a colleague who works in Colorado. He has 3 Italian greyhounds. Diane and her buddy were exchanging emails this week and it turns out this fellow does an Easter Egg hunt with his dogs. They put dog treats and little bits of ham inside those colored plastic eggs that pop open and hide them in the house and let the dogs hunt them down. I was amused but scornful at first. But the day is here. We have some ham. I don't have the plastic eggs but I'm not sure that's essential. I'm a big softy and Loki is the closest thing I have to a kid. So by the end of the day we may have a ham hunt for her.

Umm...and for those in the Philadelphia tri-state area..WHAT'S WITH THE COLD SNAP?!

Basenji, bike--who could bitch?

2007-04-02T19:25:00.000-05:00

It was 73 degrees and sunny today. Took Loki on a long walk thru the park and let her run loose across the field. Basenji's like to run. They like to stop and sniff the ground and dig a little and find a 10,000 year old chicken bone and attempt to swallow it before the attending human snakes her hand down the dog's throat. Loki was one happy pup!

CatBird could not stay in the basement one more day. Put air in my tires and get me out of here she screamed. I tried out my new cycling shoes (don't have the new pedals on) with the toe clips. WOW! I wasn't expecting to notice anything and, well, wow! I had a lot more stability and power.

I struggled to keep it simple today. First ride since mid November and I haven't addressed the knee pain yet. An easy 2.64 miles on flat road around the immediate neighborhood. Average speed 8.8 mph with a top speed of 18.

Bike riding is my happy pill. Welcome back warm weather!

Looks like...

2007-04-02T09:24:00.000-05:00

Staying focused on myself seemed like too easy of a task. How hard is it to just focus on your own needs without getting wrapped up in the response-reaction of others. Hard. I find myself thinking, obsessing, worrying about 'others' in the least expected times and far more often than I would have expected.

When I am really focused on me, what I want, need, feel I am MUCH happier. Not in that 'oh look I'm focused on me--now I'm happy!' sort of way but rather in a round about way.

For example, you may recall a previous post about PQ - the unpleasant person that roams thru my circle of acquaintances causing emotional tsunamis. I made the choice about 6 to 9 months ago to STOP, really STOP engaging on any emotional level with PQ or anyone else who wants to obsess on PQ. I manage on a day to day basis but I still feel the hook, the draw the addiction to be drawn into the PQ world and allow it effect me. PQ recently announced that the Philadelphia Live Arts Festival will be funding a PQ project--'with actors!' That gut wrenching pang of "I'm not involved, you don't consider me worthy" hit hard and fast. As I listened to the details of the project I reminded myself PQ has their ride and I have mine. I detach. I focus on me. I still feel envy but I also feel a tiny bit better. This project has no bearing on me or what I want. A couple days later a story is shared with me. An acquaintance learned about the PQ Project and allegedly felt hostile and despondent for several days. When I heard that I realized I am making progress. Several months ago I would have had the same reaction, in fact, I HAD that reaction in the moment. But the feeling only lasted about 1 hour not 12 hours, days, or weeks. I recognized that although I still feel lonely in this new journey I am also feeling happy.

Holy *$@#$!

BTW--FlyLady is slowly making a difference in my life. A message came this week--it is SO true for so many things and it was a good reminder it went something like this:

"If you know what needs to be done but you still don't do it you set yourself up for failure"

Word FlyLady!

Thyroid miracle

2007-03-24T11:37:00.000-05:00

OK. Miracle is hyperbole.

BUT... we've had Loki on a low dose of thyroid supplement for about 4 weeks. In that time she has fully regained her coat. She is back to being all sleek and smooth!

We had her in this week for a blood check and exam and everything is great. Her thyroid is truly normal, her heart is good, her skin and coat are good and she shows no other signs or symptoms of anything.

Any Basenji folks out there who even suspect you might have a thyroid issue with your dog please keep up with your vet. Our vet is stubborn but open to discussion. Her concern for thyroid storm was valid but everything we researched strongly suggests that 'normal' thyroid readings in other dogs can be TOO LOW for the sight hounds. There is a lot of good info out there and Dr. Jean Dodds is to thyroid what Dr.Gonto is to Fanconi.

Overweight remains an issue. Loki comes in at whopping 24 pounds right now and she's not a large Basenji. She gets 2/3 cup of kibble mixed with 1/4 cup beef or chicken broth or 2 tbs of wet dog food and 1/4 water(she doesn't drink much and we're trying to get more fluids in her) increasing her exercise time will help I hope.

Then again, I still need to address my overweight and increasing my exercise time will help me. I'm just dragging Loki along for the company :-)

For those interested in what happened to my Discovery Channel craze...like most things diet/exercise related I just didn't have the commitment or follow through. I still think it sounds like a decent plan to follow. Until I can address my underlying lack of focus or commitment honestly no plan is going to work.
And in bike news
Spring is so close...Catbird is wanting out of the basement and back on the road....

"Beggars can't be choosers" Why not?

2007-03-19T11:38:00.000-05:00

"Be careful what you wish for" is a common enough refrain. We all know what it means, we've all experienced that phenomenon. You want something, you get it and then it turns out not to be what you thought you wanted.

[you want a job, you get it only to discover you have no aptitude for the job and you hate your co-workers but you need the money]

Or when you get something and it is almost what you want / could have been what you want but for a few elements that you couldn't have predicted that lessen the experience or even make it miserable.

[you want a job, you get it, you love it, but the pay is terrible and you end up in a different location than you thought making your commute longer and more costly than anticipated]

There are some events, commitments coming up in the near future. Some I thought I wanted but once involved discovered the experience was not at all what I had hoped or expected. Others I still want but now that specific elements have changed the situation is just different enough to make it far less enjoyable than originally expected.

My impulsive reply is to abandon those things that don't result in me feeling good about myself or the work I've done. Then again, to quit brings with it future complications and a guarantee that the same opportunity won't present itself again.

Ultimately I know need to make decisions that I hope will make me happiest and not be so concerned about the happiness of others. Except I depend on the happiness of others for my employment sometimes very indirectly and it makes decisions complicated.

I seem to routinely find myself making decisions not about what is good for me or my happiness but rather what will make me least unhappy.

Then again, that's life. It is what it is. It is impossible to control all the elements. I remind myself daily that it is ok to be disappointed. Just because I thought I wanted something doesn't mean I have to like it once I get it. Just because I don't like something in one situation doesn't mean I won't like it in a different version.

For example: Let's say I really want to go on a picnic. I go on and on about how much I LOVE picnics and how I never have the opportunity to go on one and rarely get invited to one. A picnic on the side of a highway is an entirely different experience than a picnic in a secluded garden or in a public park. If I am invited on a picnic but I don't have all the information I might discover that I've been invited to a highway. Maybe everyone who's with me is great company and LOVES the thrill of the roadside. But I don't. If I say I don't like the highway I am criticized because I wanted a picnic and here I am but I'm not enjoying it. If I was told in advance the picnic was on the highway I'd choose not to go but I'd still meet with criticism and the same reasons. Wanting something then NOT liking it once I have it. BUT it isn't just a picnic I want. I want the locale and the company. If I'm invited to a picnic in a garden I'd be much happier. Maybe the company would be awful but I'd still have a better time than the highway. And if I go back to the garden again with different company and have an even better time.

The trouble I see in my life right now is that I want picnics in gardens and I'm surrounded by people who only want picnics on the highway. I don't know other garden or park lovers. I don't even know how to find them. Either I picnic alone or endure the highway. This situation is confusing for the highway loving picnickers who see me as an overly picky curmudgeon and isolating and lonely for me. Hence the familiar but unpleasant situation of only ever choosing between 2 "evils."

Is it any wonder...?

2007-03-16T15:50:00.000-05:00

I am highly suspicious of almost everyone I know. I constantly analyse and wonder what it is you really want or why you really told me that. It doesn't matter how long I've known someone or how close we are. The unfortunate consequences of growing up in a verbally abusive / neglectful household.

I spend a great deal of time and money in therapy so I can make my brain shut the hell up and recognise this is now, not then. While therapy has accomplished a lot it is not a guarantee that people aren't just plan crappy sometimes. For someone like me, I fight to remind myself that just because some individuals are awful that doesn't mean everyone is -- or -- just because one person I thought was good does something crappy doesn't mean all the good stuff they did beforehand was designed as a set up to make the crappy thing they did have that much more impact.

I'm half laughing as I write this because it sounds so insane. Because it IS insane...hence the years in therapy. Nonetheless, it IS how I think of most people most of the time.

And here's a kick in the pants, sometimes the people I think are crappy, really ARE crappy. They really are selfish and manipulative and tell half truths to get ahead. They really don't care about anyone other than themselves and manipulate the emotions of those around them to get what they want. They take every opportunity to turn the spotlight on themselves. If they can't do it by their own merits then they do it by tearing down others or playing one-up games like "Oh that's terrible you had the flu, well I just found out I need major surgery!"

Despite my tendency to assume the worst, I am in fact a good judge of character. I know in my gut when I'm just being mistrustful out of habit/conditioning and when I have genuine reason to be mistrustful. I have to force my mind to be still for half a minute but that's a half a minute well spent.

With the support of my therapist I've been spending more time focusing on my own needs. I have spent many years making choices to do or not do things so that I would be accepted or liked or to do what is expected of 'someone like myself.' The expectations always being those of someone else not mine. As I focus more on what my expectations are for myself I find myself wanting different associations in my life. I find that there are more people in my life that I genuinely don't trust but have been forcing myself to trust anyway because, well, I'm always suspicious and MAYBE this person or that person isn't really like that.

Well phooey to all that. I'm done with being supportive of people who don't give 2 craps about me. I'm done pretending to be happy when I have good reason not to be. I'm done apologizing for myself, my thoughts, my opinions. I'm done with engaging in tearing down others just to 'fit in' and lastly, while I know it will take more than a few tries, I'm done comparing myself, my relationship, and my career to others. Let them ride their ride, I'm on my own damn ride and you can either be genuinely supportive or get the hell out of my way.

My body doesn't like me

2007-03-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

Last summer (June) I was in rehearsal for an 'actors ballet'. Anyway, the point is no one in the cast were dancers but myself in particular has VERY little skill in dance. I've always been interested in sports but I'm no athlete except in my mind. Sometime during rehearsals and the run of the show I did some damage to my knee. I was warming up. I felt a light stretch and heard some 'noise,' something that sounded like when you sit in a bean bag chair--that sound of styrofoam beads rubbing against each other. I figured I'd over stretched.

I had so many other injuries including a broken toe that the over stretched knee was nothing. I rested and iced and elevated and took anti-inflammatory and hoped for the best. And it did seem to get better. A month after the show I was riding without any complaints that I can remember. Starting around December whenever I would need to stand for say more than 30 mins my knee would start to twinge, then ache, then scream in sharp pain and almost lockup And it's been that way ever since. I can go days without feeling any pain but if I stand for any length of time-BAM! My knee let's me have it.

The thing is, I can't really isolate the pain. It is in the front/inside but feels like it's deep inside the joint not an outside pain. Even when it hurts I can't find a 'center' area it doesn't hurt to press on but I'll be damned if I can bend it or if I'm already kneeling get up again. And the pain is real.

The elbow is another area of constant pain. The joint area on the inside/underneath part of my arm just hurts to touch. Ice doesn't seem to help, heat does a little but not appreciatively and ibuprofen does nothing. This also manifested during rehearsals. I had this one move where I was to lean backwards like a waterfall and touch the floor behind me with my hand then come up. I recall hitting the floor sort of hard with my full weight at one point and that's when I think the trouble began. It didn't hurt at the time instead I felt it a few weeks after the show ended. I noticed it most when riding and thought maybe it had to do with the placement of my handlebars. My bike shop guy thought I might be locking my elbows when riding. But I haven't been on the Catbird since early November and the pain hasn't gone away at all.

So now I'm looking forward to spring and wondering how the knee will respond to riding amongst other activities.

On a side note:

IF you are one of those people who openly discusses your weight/appearance at social gatherings...does it ever occur to you to look around and consider how your comments affect the feelings of other people? IF you really DO feel that bad about yourself, ok, but it's a downer save it for a therapist or spouse or diary or private conversation with a trusted friend. BUT if you are just seeking attention, as in you want people to say nice things about you, can you find some other way to do it? Please? Those of us who really ARE fat don't need constant reminders about our appearance. We know. Really. We know when we stand next to you at these gatherings looking like giants. We know when we shop for clothing, we know when we sit in seats that don't hold us, we know when we are hungry and don't eat because you might give us the look--you know the one you give, the one that screams "maybe you wouldn't be fat if you at less" yes, yes you do.--except you have no idea when/what/how I eat or why I am overweight. So look, I'm sorry if you WERE a size 0 and NOW you are a size 2 or that you WERE a size 4 and NOW you are a size 8. Maybe for your frame and height and age that IS fat, but honestly standing next to me NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL TELL YOU YOU ARE FAT. So please don't come stand next to me and say those horrible things about yourself because I am just self centered enough to believe you are really saying those things about me--even if you aren't--that's how it feels.

I'm motivated...I'm NOT motivated..I'm motivated...

2007-03-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm Motivated:

I went to 4 Auditions this month. All open calls. I don't expect a job offer from them. It would be nice but I'm not holding my breath. Mainly it's just nice to have the illusion of taking control of my career. I read some advice that said no one single audition should be the make or break of your career. If you are feeling nervous at auditions maybe it is because you see it as this big thing. The trick is to go on so many auditions that one is no more important than any other. That made sense to me.

I am trying something new (see FlyLady link in sidebar) I learned about FlyLady from the website of a teacher at Atlantic Theater Company. She teaches an audition workshop I'd like to take. She says she has followed the FlyLady system and it works on many levels not just the obvious one. If you checkout the FlyLady link you'll understand what I mean. This teacher is someone who has a career like I want and if it works for her maybe I should try it. It's free and there is no obligation. Yes the site is hokey and there are a lot of touchy-feely elements. I'm trying to look past that right now and try something new.

I'm off to NYC tomorrow for another audition for summer Shakespeare. And maybe a drink or dinner with a friend.

I'm NOT motivated

I have been in my pajamas all day. I got up at 9AM and now it is 5:30PM and I have yet to shower.

I have not walked my dog--let her in the yard but no walk.

I have not followed the Fly Lady system today. FU Flylady!

I have not run any of the errands I needed to do and now I'll be stressed out all weekend because some of this stuff needed to get done today.

I have eaten nothing but crap.

I have said all sorts of nasty things to myself in an attempt to motivate myself. Yes, i know that isn't a great way to motivate anyone especially me. I don't respond well to nasty comments I only shut down more. Unfortunately, encouragement does not come easily to me--right now it makes me cry--yes, really. Quite the conundrum.

Depression..yes. Feeling 'blue'? Not really. Not feeling much of anything at all.

Thyroid and Basenjis

2007-02-20T18:33:00.000-05:00

Last year Loki started "blowing her coat" a term meant to describe shedding that looks like a stuffed animal losing its insides.

Basenjis aren't supposed to shed. To be more precise, all mammals shed but some less so than others. Basenjis are supposed to be on the less so side.

So we knew something was up when her fur started coming off in clumps. Her weight seemed to be creeping up as well. We rarely give our animals treats, preferring instead to consume treats ourselves :-)

We had her thyroid tested and it came back in the low-normal range. Our vet was not in favor of starting any thyroid medication yet because she didn't want to create a "thyroid storm" a potentially fatal situation. Instead we treated Loki with melatonin supplements and her coast started coming back. Her weight was still high and not coming down despite additional exercise and being extra careful with her food intake but it wasn't creeping up either. Our vet told us to expect the same thing again in about a year.

Sure enough around December 2006 we noticed Loki's coat starting to fall out again and the weight slowly creeping up. Her thyroid tests came back the same low-normal. But over the past 2 months her coat is looking worse and worse. After another consult with the vet and some online research we just started Loki out on a very low dose of thyroid supplement. We're to keep an eye out for potential thyroid storm but the dose is so low no one is anticipating trouble. We'll get her blood levels checked again in about 4 weeks.

In the meantime Loki shows no additional clinical sings of thyroid...no lethargy, no excessive thirst, no behaviors out of the ordinary, just this awful shedding.

So we're keeping our fingers crossed and hoping we'll see some improvement in her coat in the next few weeks.

One thing we read was that Basenjis are prone to thyroid issues and that for sight hounds in general "low normal" is still too low. There are those vets who strongly disagree of course but Loki is living proof that something is going on even if her blood results are still within "normal" range.

** Update-- Loki has been taking her thyroid supplement for about a week and already we are seeing some improvement in her coat. The really excessive shedding has stopped. She is still shedding more than i wold consider normal for her but she doesn't look like she's about to go bald. Her coat color has returned to an even black all over. The coat feel brittle in some spots but I'd say she's regained about 80% soft fur over her body. Cautiously optimistic! **

I'm ready for some change

2007-02-05T19:42:00.000-05:00

I've been told that one of the key factors to change is to 'put it out there that you are ready for change'

I can't help thinking there is more to it than that but here goes:

I'm ready for some positive changes in my life. Change in the way I relate to friends and family, change in my work and change in my outlook. I'm ready and open to a different way to approach life, work and relationships. I'm ready for things to work out for the better.

I'm also ready for spring. I miss the catbird.

New fun stuff for 2007

2007-01-10T17:10:00.000-05:00

My new cycling shoes, I'm going clipless in 2007

My New cycling jersey. Now I have 2, this one and the one I 'won' for my fund raising efforts for Bike For Sight last year.

My new CLIPLESS pedals. Thank you Bill! (the emergency room will probably thank you as well while I learn to use them.) I can't wait! WEEE!

My new cat Rousseau. Rescued from Camden County Animal Shelter.

Carrots carrots carrots

2006-12-27T12:05:00.000-05:00

We had Diane's brother and wife up for the day, along with Shadow their Australian Shepherd. I have mentioned in past posts that Shadow is Loki's arch nemesis but we are working on trying to change that.

We are trying various methods with Loki, not really any one "system" or "methodology" but a smorgasboard of techniques from various sources, the ones that have been most helpful to us. I have taken a lot from the National Geographic show The Dog Whisperer. The most effective tool is to clear my mind of any unwanted emotions, to try and just view any given situation with Loki as a list of facts rather than colored with emotional thought.

I call it 'carrots, carrots, carrots' thinking. Whenever I'm in a situation where I have trouble with Loki I think about carrots. I try and visualize them in detail, facts about carrots. Simultaneously I am watching Loki's body language and attempting to make corrections, just focusing on the correction without any sense of punishment or anger just carrots.

For example, we worked with Titan and a trainer a long time ago. Titan was very aggressive with other dogs when on a leash but take him to a dog park and he was Mr. Congeniality. We learned a lot about what we were doing wrong. One thing the trainer asked us to do was give Titan the 'watch' command ('watch' means the dog is supposed to make eye contact with you) to take his attention away from the other dog. We were told it didn't matter if the look was only 1 second, eventually it would be longer and longer, the point was the less time Titan was focused on the other dog was more time he was focused on us, his leader. I have similar issues with Loki and do the 'watch' command. But whereas before when I gave the 'watch' command I was anxious what with Loki is pulling hard on her leash and the other dog/owner excited or clueless making the situation worse, my anger and blood pressure rising, now I think 'carrots, carrots, carrots.' It is a small miracle as far as I am concerned. What I have witnessed is that Loki pulls about 66% less, she is able to focus her attention on me for about 15 seconds and drops the whole act in under a minute. The other thing I am doing in these situations is to keep on moving forward when possible. The before and current scenario goes like this:

BEFORE - IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS
Loki spots other dog ( OD) before OD spots her. I see OD and OD Owner and brace myself for the inevitable aggression. Loki's hackles go up, her glance is seemingly at something else but clearly watching OD. OD gets close and spots Loki, Loki lays down --looking to most humans like she is submissive (ha ha ha ha ha ha lol) as OD and ODO approach Loki stands abruptly, stiff legged and wide eyed. IF ODO has stayed away Loki lunges forward with a G-force of 2000 lbs and snarls and pants and shows teeth. (remember the Basenji doesn't bark) IF ODO is clueless and saw Loki lay down ODO often says out loud 'oh, how cute!! She is so submissive' and comes trotting over with OD, I immediately state forcefully that Loki is not friendly with other dogs and she will bite if they come closer. What happens next depends on how stupid the ODO is but it always ends with me stepping between OD and Loki before contact is made.

CURRENTLY -- IN 15 SECONDS OR LESS
Loki spots other dog ( OD) before OD spots her. I see OD and OD Owner and think 'Carrots.' I tell Loki 'watch' she does then returns focus to OD. I step in front of her and give her 'watch' again. Loki tries to peer around my legs but I block her vision with my body. If she tries to pull away I do Cesar's 'shush' sound and a quick pop and release on her regular collar. Then I start to move forward at a brisk but not rushed or panicked pace, just continue the walk all the while thinking about carrots. Loki will sometimes try and look back, I shush her, give the pop and release on the collar and keep moving. End of story. I never make eye contact with the ODO and don't engage in conversation, in fact turning my back to the ODO and OD keeps them away from us and Loki focused on me.

We've been trying the same thing around Shadow. The situation with him is very frustrating because we can't pin point a specific trigger, other than the fact since Titan died Loki isn't confident around other dogs and acts aggressively. The other difficult things is that she doesn't do it 100% of the time. She can be fine for hours, she walks with Sahdow witout any problems. And then she can be sleeping in another room entirely, wake up with a start, ears alert if she were human you'd say the expression is "Oh Shit I just remembered something...I have to go kick some ass" gets up, seeks out Shadow and attacks him. I've been trying to think only about carrots when those 2 are together and have requested that Shadows owners pay no attention to either dog. Easier said than done. I would be anxious too if it were the other way around, but I think the anxiety is what fuels these 2 to act out. I also try and break Loki's focus whenever she even remotely has the "I'm going to kill you" idea developing. I redirect her and Shadow with a command or walk her away. Giving Shadow commands has made a differnece. While he isn't my dog Loki has paid attention to my being in charge of both of them and it seriously eased the tension, you could feel it.

Other things we are going to try in 2007 are reinstituting the crate in Loki's life. Since she grew up we haven't had any issues of her being destructive and she has free roam of the house. But when we travel she needs to be in a crate. She has never done well in a crate and destroys anything remotely designed to offer her comfort. Since we don't need to use her crate often I gave up trying to get her acclimated. Regardless, it shouldn't stress her out as much as it does.

Dear Santa

2006-12-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

I used to love Christmas. It ran a close second as a holiday next to Halloween. I was raised with Christian traditions but I do not think of my self as particularly "religious" i am more of a secular Christian and embrace Santa and his reindeer, snowmen and elves and "magic" i do not care to engage in religious history nor conversations about what non-Christian people are forced to endure at times like this in a largely Christian country. Deep down I guess that makes me insensitive to their plight. I mean I care to a degree. I know how I would feel as a secular Christian if I was living somewhere where my traditions and beliefs were marginalized. It would suck and i imagine that is how it feels to my non-Christian friends. But in the end, I am part of the dominant culture and right now I just want to enjoy the privileges of the majority for a few weeks, including Christmas carols and eggnog and lights and animated specials on tv and Santa.

The thing is no one really allows anyone to enjoy their own traditions anymore with out some finger pointing and mini lecture on why their holiday tradition beats you holiday tradition. We hide it in humor and witty comebacks and cards that parody our feelings. Unless you are fortunate to be with a community of people (friends, family, chosen family colleagues or what-have-you) that share your same feelings it's all just something to endure until you can be with those like you.

While I do enjoy a good secular Christmas complete with cookies and gifts the commercialism of the holiday has taken on a feeling not of magical what-ifs, as in what if I got that thing I've wanted all year. There is no wondering or hoping or wishing because as adults when we want something we tend to go right out and get it. You don't need to wait for anything anymore. And when it comes down to it, what do you really need anymore? Conspicuous consumerism has ruined the magic of Christmas for me.

Being poor at the holiday is a mighty burden. Sure I'm poor all year round but at a time of year when parties and gifts and donations are all around it is stomach-wrenchingly difficult to make a choice between the groceries you need for the week or the ingredients you need to make that special something for the holiday party. Sure one can decline to make or bring anything but only at the risk of being seen as cheap or curmudgeonly. I would hope that my friend know my economic situation but they seem to have a disconnect. They know but they act like it isn't true. So on the one hand it's nice to not be treated "differently" or openly viewed with pity, on the other hand the drive for inclusion feels like being shut out, like I only have your support and love as long as I can participate in your reindeer games.

As an adult the things I "want" for Christmas aren't the kinds of things the regular person asks for, or at least not the lower income person and/or they aren't the kinds of things one person can necessarily give another. My Christmas list:

To be cast in a lead or supporting leading role at 2 or more professional companies between now and April.
For the acting work to continue for many years to come
For my wife to get the job of her dreams and the salary to go with it
For my wife to be able to take early retirement like her family and friends are doing this year
For me not to hate my wifes family and friends for taking early retirement this year and continually asking when she will be retiring
$50,000 to make needed repairs and upgrades to the house
$15,000 to pay of existing credit card debt
A second car fully paid for with a savings account to cover maintenance and repairs and gas and tolls and parking
A laptop computer with all the gewgaws and whizzbangs and hot software
4 long weekends somewhere enticing with my wife --all expenses paid
2 2 week vacations with my wife somewhere beautiful all expense paid including souvenirs
For the new visiting foster kitty to get along well with the resident cats and dog so he can stay
Another Basenji puppy
A flexible full time job like many of the "A-list" actors in Philly have...the kind that has a fancy title, pays full time wages, and allows one to be in rehearsals, performances, auditions and still have a job afterwards
To lose 40 pounds
A couple people to ride my bike with who don't mind that my endurance is about 15 miles with a top speed of 12 mph
A bunch of new cycling gear from pedals to shorts to tights to jerseys
Some friends who aren't secretive or competitive or so overwhelmed by my life story that they change the subject, people who can talk about feelings and thoughts and dreams more than shoes and the weather, who honestly don't mind that getting together is a walk in the park or making coffee at home
Endless Encouragement
A cool online name

I hope that your Christmas and New Years are less stressful than my own, that Santa brings you both what you want and what you need, that you find that bit of Christmas magic for yourself.

Just a thought

2006-12-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

If you don't want to receive a reply that upsets you in reference to a post made on a very public blog then maybe you shouldn't have a blog or at least not one that allows comments.

No one wants to read bad things about themselves or receive posts that contain contrary opinions about one's hopes, thoughts, ideas. It is especially unsettling when the posts are by people you don't even know or who choose anonymity but it seems to me it goes with the territory.

In my experience and observation people one knows WELL probably have the same unflattering and un-supportive comments rattling around in their heads as strangers, they just don't tell YOU about it to your face. Instead they tell you what you want to hear then go off and trash talk amongst themselves.

I was a BIG fan of Queer As Folk (the American version) in particular the character Brian Kinney. There were some similarities between that character's history and my own which made my identification even stronger. If I were a gay man I would want to be Brian Kinney. He was the big, tough, hot Ad-Exec whose personal motto was "No apologies-No Excuses." In one episode he made the comment : "There are only 2 kinds of straight people in this world. Those who hate you to your face and those who hate you behind your back."

That sounds dark but I think it is the cold hard truth about many things. I think any thought, action or idea on which one takes a strong stance, with the exception of very close friends who share your beliefs, some will oppose you to your face and the rest will oppose you behind your back. It is the last that scares me more than any public out cry. I fear an anonymous comment a lot less than the smiling faces of my colleagues, and "friends" who "support me" while being careful to never share what they feel or think. Worse yet is when they doge full disclosure because they don't want to " upset" you.

That's my thought for today.

Things I worry about

2006-12-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

The unanswered question that has lived with me for about 32 years: At what point do you give up or when is enough enough -- time to stop?

I'm bummed. I've called a "friend" a couple times and emailed but they haven't gotten back to me. I know this person is busy but I also know they are communicating with other "mutual friends."

Usually this question comes up for me in my relationships with various people. I have come to accept that I have extremely high standards for myself as a friend and I expect the same from those whom I call friend. I am hard on other people but I am doubly hard on myself.

My global observation of my life to date is that I tend to care a lot more about my relationships with other people than they SEEM to care about their relationship with me. It seems to me the work of maintaining the relationship falls more to me than the other person. Meaning, if I don't call, or email the other person isn't likely to call me. I am always going to someone else's' home they don't offer to to come to mine or find reasons to decline. If, when moving, I don't ask for a "friend's" new address or phone number they pretty much "forget" to give it to me.
[A real life example and a pretty big hint I'd say. The follow up is that after 15 years this person was having a celebration and wanted me to participate. They made no effort whatsoever in 15 years to even send along an internet joke but suddenly I'm needed at the celebration. Hmph.]

Sounds crazy right? I know. I agree. I agree so much that I agonize why someone may not have returned a phone call or sent a Christmas card--worse yet sent a card late. Are they--have they--just been polite the whole time? Have they been seeking a way out of this relationship the entire time? OR is it more likely they are just busy and distracted with more immediate concerns?

Sometimes I'll just ask "are you just busy or have I upset you in some way" The thing is I don't often trust the answer. If you have been secretly wanting to get away from me are you going to be honest and tell me so or are you going to say "oh no I'm just really busy with work/family/whatever" More often I don't ask, I just stew internally imagining what people really think of me and just won't say out loud hoping I'll clue in.

So, when do you know that you care more about a relationship than the other person. What clues you in that your friend isn't really your friend just a friend-LY acquaintance? How long do you wait for a response to an email or phone message or letter before moving on?

Loki has new "Best Friends"

2006-12-04T17:01:00.000-05:00

Loki spent Thanksgiving at Best Friends Animal kennel. It has been a LONG time since Loki's been to a kennel. We usually prefer to travel with her or leave her with the woman who walks her. Yes spoiled little Loki usually gets a nice home environment and a cozy human bed to sleep in at night.

Best Friends was new to us. We went for an inspection visit ahead of time. The folks were very nice and the place was clean. Mostly i liked that the staff were interested in the dogs that were staying there. Outside each kennel was a chart with the animal's name and any pertinent info. So I felt ok about leaving Loki there. I knew she would HATE IT, no warm comfy bed, no friendly faces 9at least as she defines them) and lots of loud barking. But no matter, she couldn't travel with us this time and she had snapped at another dog when visiting with our dog walker so that left us without a place to leave her.

It was very difficult leaving her behind. I have grown very fond of this odd furry bundle of neurosis. She refused to walk away with the keeper, put on her gravity boots and gave me the biggest, widest sad eyes...like Puss in Boots in SHREK 2. I after I left and was very excited to pick her up again. She whimpered when she was released and continued a long whimper/scream/grumble/growly sound for about 45 mins after we left.

Anyway, she survived, the kennel staff survived, we survived. And now we know if we need a place to leave our little hellion we have a plan.

2006-11-21T14:54:00.000-05:00

Week 1 on the Discovery Channel weight Loss plan. I've gained a pound and a half but seeming lost 1/2 an inch from my waist.

Basics

Nov 11 184.4 lbs; 38 inches at waist.

Nov 18 186 lbs; 37 1/2 inches at waist.

Loosely following Discovery Channel meal planning. Sticking to the main ingredients of the suggested recipes but cutting out the veggies I hate and adding ones I prefer. Forcing myself to use a food scale to gage portion size. Somewhat hungry but not so much I want to rampage thru the kitchen.

Loosely following the exercise plan. In my perfect world 30 mins sweat breaking cardio daily. Reality, 30 mins sweat breaking cardio 3 days out of 7, stretching and weight lifting 3 days out of 7.

In other news Catbird is in the shop. LBS was backed up and she wasn’t available to ride last week. Hoping to bring her home today.

Do the best that you can

2006-11-09T11:26:00.000-05:00

One thing I read on the Discovery Channel health and fitness tips was to make a contract with yourself. Immediately I was turned off…HELLO I don’t do good things for myself (see post Self Sabotage) a contract? Are you kidding? What? So now I have it in writing in front of me everyday that I can’t keep a commitment to myself?

Being the “do as your told” personality that I am I was compelled to read on. This “contract” was different. All the “expert” suggested was making a contract that stated that you will do the best that you can on this plan for the next (insert weeks here) and hang it someplace that you will see it everyday, like in front of your desk or on your dresser, wherever made sense to you. That’s it. It did NOT suggest writing down a weight loss goal or promising to exercise daily or eat more spinach.

“Do the best that you can.” I thought about that long and hard. I tried every way I could to punch a hole in that simplicity. In the end I had to admit that it made me feel good just reading those words without even doing anything else—do the best that you can. It has nothing to do with anyone else, their expectations or their judgments, their opinions or how they are doing things the same as or differently. I’m the only one who can determine if I’ve done the best that I can. Armed with such a simple statement and some concrete goals I’m feeling hopeful I can stick to this plan—at least for a few months. Every night before I go to sleep I’ll be asking myself “did I do the best that I could today?” And if not, well do the best that you can tomorrow.

So just to be clear, for anyone who’s interested, I’ll be starting “formally” on this program on Sunday. This week I’ve been surfing though the online program and checking out the plan 9good plan, the website is difficult to navigate and full of broken links) I thought I’d try some of the workouts they suggest. On first view I thought the suggested exercises would be WAY too easy. I tried them out and to my dismay they are deceptively simple. They kicked my ass. I’m no athlete but I thought my fitness level was average. LOL! I’ll provide some periodic updates…just another incentive in case “Do the best you can” proves less than motivating.

Weight gain'n'me

2006-11-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

Back from vacation. Overall a very relaxing and stress free time. I adore the outer banks. I fantasize about being independently wealthy, moving to the Outer Banks and just reveling in the natural beauty of the barrier island.

Took the Catbird with me. Managed to get 2 flats of my own and one on Diane’s bike. I rode almost everyday. I had a mission to get to Corolla Light house about 20 miles from where we were staying. I almost made it; I was 12 miles away. I could have made it there but I wouldn’t have been in any shape to ride home, so I turned around and went back.

In other alarming news I continue to gain weight like no tomorrow. In June I was about 169 pounds. By the end of June I weighed 174. By September I was pushing 179 and today I weighed in at 186.

I freely admit I do not eat “well” but neither do I gorge on high fat foods or processed foods. I eat fruits and vegetables every day and at minimum I do a 20 min walk with the dog every day. Recently I ride 1 hour once a week with 2 30 min rides twice a week but not every week—more like every other. I eat a bowl of high fiber cereal for breakfast with ¼ cup of low fat milk and occasionally a home made version of the egg/Canadian bacon/cheese on a muffin sandwich for breakfast, salad or sandwich or soup for lunch and chicken or salad for dinner. I have a weakness for sweets but I do not eat them daily, not even weekly. I think my concept of portions is WAY out of wack and that is contributing to the extra calories in my diet. That doesn’t mean I “load up” or “super size” meals, but I think “healthy” portions are considerably smaller than what I would estimate.

I’ve tried many diets and exercise plans over the years and it always seems to me that I gain weight. I don’t quite know what to do. I think most people think I’m lying about my diet. I don’t know why. I don’t have any need to lie about it and I am pretty ready to admit that exercise, at least regular exercise is NOT part of my lifestyle. So if I say I am following a diet or exercise plan I am. And If I tell you that instead of dropping inches or pounds I gain them, well I am. I know it is counter intuitive but there it is.

I watched part of an episode on Discovery Channel this weekend: “you on a diet” and it was engaging enough that I went to the website to check out the health and fitness tips. I don’t know if the folks on the show were “typical” results on this diet/exercise program. I suspect not. There was a 20 second mention of one woman’s son who after the 3 months had not lost as much as the others despite being faithful to the program, he was “going to keep at it” I do know that they offered concrete examples of a healthy BMI and waist size, and exercise goals and portion sizes and real people living their lives in real situations. I would like to see these same people in 9 months to a year. Did they keep the weight off?

I’m going to try and follow this plan for 3 months and see what happens. They provide a meal plan and recipes and the plan counts the total calories, so that should be helpful. It seems like a lot of cooking, which doesn’t excite me as much so we’ll see if that is my undoing.

It's raining

2006-10-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

Loki. 2005

It is raining. Basenji's don't like getting wet. Loki does not like getting wet. She hears the rain and refuses to even come to the door let alone step outside. Assuming I can get a collar and leash on her and get her to the door, she sticks her nose out looks around and backs away as if I am burning her skin with fire.

Assuming I can get her out the door (this dog would sooner her bladder explode inside her body than pee outside when it is wet) she activates her "gravity boots." I believe every Basenji has them. 4 small invisible boots that hold them firmly to the ground such that no matter how much force is applied or from which direction they are able to remain stationary with perfect balance. Who needs a Thai Chi class when you have a Basenji?

After 30 mins of Basenji stubbornness, a few Basenji jokes (an old standby is coming to the door, sitting, bending forward for a collar then darting off just as you are about to snap it closed. Ha ha.) the obligatory gravity boots and acting up when sighting a passersby thereby making it seem I torture my spolied dog. Her intent is to embaras me into taking her home (again--ha. ha. ha.) FINALLY we get in a walk/potty time.

Back at the house we are both soaked. I dry Loki off as she calmly raises paw after paw for drying all the while giving me the look of "You did this. You made water fall from the sky. Don't you know my fur will shrink?" Um--no.

Finally we are both dry. She smashs herself into my side makes herself into the smallest, tightest ball and licks my hand.

I LOVE this crazy little dog.

I hate drivers--HATE them I say

2006-10-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

Diane and I riding from Duck to Southern Shores Oct 2005

I've been back on the catbird these past 2 weeks. Nice easy riding about 8 -10 miles a ride and a few hills. Can I tell you I HATE drivers? I hate them even when I'm in a car but on a bike the the idiot things people do when driving are amplified by 10,000. Everyone who rides even casually knows what I mean. 2 ton car vs. 170 lb person on 20 lb bike. Car ALWAYS wins. These past 2 weeks I have literally been run off the road twice. Last week a car kept moving over closer and closer to me until I fell into a parked car on the side of the road. I don't think the driver was "trying" to push me over--by that I mean I don't think it was a game on his part but he was definitely trying to get me out of his way. That's the look I see most. That exasperated--I'm on the road and have places to get too, it's bad enough there are other cars between myself and my destination the LAST thing I need is you and your "toy" gumming up the works. Yesterday some teenagers in one of those "super sized" SUVs, you know, not a CRV or Rav 4 but a Lincoln Navigator DID deliberately come at me head on forcing me to jump the sidewalk and almost hit a brick wall. Funny boys. Very funny. I was also cut off more than once by drivers pulling out in front of me. They see me, they just figure they can't get stuck behind a bike for more than 5 seconds or their tiny brains will explode. I waved at one driver who waved back, pulled out in front of me missing hitting me by about 12 inches and waved back at me smiling.

I leave for the Outer Banks this weekend. We have been going there every year around this time for the past 13 years. We can let the dogs run on the beach as it is "after the season" and while there have been a growing number of people coming down this time of year it is still comparitavely deserted. Not that many businesses are still open except the ones that cater to the year round residents. Usually the weather is fair; A couple sunny days, more days that are overcast but warm and couple rainy freeze-your-ass off days toward the end of the week. Last year was a dream week. Sunny and in the high 70's ALL WEEK. It's an island so the weather can change on a dime and I don't want to get my hopes up but a week of warm weather and not so much rain would be nice. I'm taking the catbird. My plan is to ride every day.

"All I'm hearing right now from you is a lot of complaining" -Diane

2006-10-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

Bad Parents R Us: I know a few families who are parents. Each has children in age ranges from 4 - 11 years old. While each family differs one from another in their personal values, spiritual beliefs, and parenting style they are good families. They are not emotionally or verbally abusive. They are not physically abusive. They provide opportunities for self-expression, they make certain their kids have good educations and they provide more than the basics required for survival(food shelter clothing.) Question: Why do these people vie for "worst parent award?" Whenever 2 or more of them are together the parents try to out do each other in the "I'm a bad parent" contest. This is manifested in statements about how they fed fast food to their offspring on a specific night or made the child go to bed, encouraged or forbid the child some activity. As someone who grew up in a family that struggled to meet the basics for survival (the house was often up for sheriff's sale, the utilities shut off on a regular basis, I ate fast food and generic canned food-the kind with the black & white label-NOT exclusively but far more regularly than anyone would consider "healthy" we did not have a telephone for 7 consecutive years,) experienced verbal and emotional abuse I find these "contests" disturbing. Do you really want to be a bad parent? I doubt it. It always feels like a very calculated ploy to get compliments, as in "oh ,no you aren't bad you did the right thing. Now me, I'm a bad parent..." Ick.
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Pedophilia: It has NOTHING to do with SEXUAL ORIENTATION. I am outraged that this whole congressman Foley thing is being turned into a gay scandal. What the man allegedly did is outrageous. And it would STILL be outrageous if it were female pages. It is reprehensible that he tries to excuse his behavior by claiming to have been molested as a young man. IF he was, that is terrible for him but has nothing to do with the situation at hand. And if he wasn't it is equally reprehensible to use a horrible experience as an off-the-cuff excuse. It has nothing to do with him being a "closeted homosexual" as I have read some people say. Under age is under age and inappropriate is inappropriate regardless of the orientation of the perpetrator. Like straight men are NEVER inappropriate toward girls and young women. Please. Anyone pass a news stand recently? Pedophilia is not a sexual orientation.

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What are you doing about it?: I am a member of several groups. There is some cross over between members of some of these groups. Recently the conversation in these groups revolves around the behavior and exploits of a specific individual--let's call the person PQ. Over many years I have been as guilty as the next person in re-hashing the troubles and pain PQ has caused me. I have both spoken behind PQ's back and confronted PQ in person. I have never once told PQ "Stop it or else."

After much introspection I came to the conclusion that PQ is not worth my time or energy. I am sometimes required to work with PQ but I don't care to think about , confront or trash talk PQ behind their back. It doesn't change PQ, it doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't undo the damage caused by PQ. In short I am REALLY TIRED of anything related to PQ unless there is going to be an "or else." Because as much as PQ is not changing their own behavior neither are my colleagues. So much time and emotional effort is wasted on venting of personal feelings about PQ behind PQ's back. Question PQ dissenters: What are you going to do about it? If the behavior is so reprehensible to you what consequences are there for such behavior? IF there are no consequence then why should PQ stop? OR to put it more positively What is it you want PQ to do differently? If you think PQ incapable of change regardless of condition (as I do) then why waste one more minute on PQ? What are you getting from the experience?

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What makes a group a group?: A discussion I had with my therapist this week. This is not an exact quote but she said something like "people can brandy the term 'we' around all they want too but if there is no leader or leadership it is not a group"

I fought this idea hard, How can that be? 2, 3, 4, 5, 30 people coming together under one title is a group. Then I started considering if there isn't a single voice, a single goal, a singular action then 2, 3,4, 5, 30 people is merely a gathering of individuals, each with their own idea of the way things should be. A real group works collectively toward a singular goal and speak with a singular voice through collective action and through a leader or leadership. It is easier for me to envision this in terms of sports. Everyone on a football team has their task but as a unit they are working for one common goal--to score points, to win. Teams with great leadership both on and off the field tend to do better than those where the leadership is weak or non existent. By better I don't necessarily mean more wins just more team identity, cohesion, camaraderie.
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Why can't I disagree?: In the various circles in which I work the term "family" is often used to describe how we allegedly feel about one another. In these "families" we are all encouraged to share our feelings. But not really. What is really meant is that if the majority feel one way there is no room for questions, or dissent. In fact to ask questions is seen as a deliberate attack or "being mean." The consequence for "being mean" is a lot of people trashing you behind you back, or an email sent by an individual to the group openly stating how "mean" it is to disagree, sometimes both. I am often the dissenter. To my so called "family" I am "mean." QUESTION: Why is it not ok to have a contrary opinion or to ask hard questions? Asking questions doesn't equate to undermining a project and not believing that the majority opinion/conclusion is correct does not equate to lack of support.

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Catbird + Me = good day

2006-10-04T17:46:00.000-05:00

Went for a 9 mile ride today. I don't know why I fight myself on this. It felt SO GOOD to be on the bike. I forget everything and I just "am." I always feel so good afterwards too. Note to self--STOP FIGHTING ME get off you too fat ass and ride the catbird!

MUST get proper cycling shoes and clipless pedals. I figure I need about $70-$80 for basic shoes. I've read that there are shoes for around $50--which would fit my tight budget better but right now I don't even know were to find shoes. I want to try on a couple pair my feet are hard to fit and I don't want to just order online when I don't know what I'm looking for--also unclear about pedals but figure my bikeshop can assist with that much. Altogether I figure I'm looking at about $140-$150.

Everything sucks

2006-10-03T14:47:00.000-05:00

I’m not happy. Everything sucks. Last week sucked. Everything about it sucked, from having difficult conversations with friends to my therapist forgetting to tell me she would be at her ‘other office’ meanwhile I waited 15 mins (for a second time this year) for her to answer the door , to cutting my finger on the blades of the air conditioner while taking it out of the window.

EVERYTHING SUCKED? Really? Everything?

No smarty pants. NOT everything. Meeting a really nice man from Greyhound rescue did not suck. Loki was the best behaved I have seen her in the 7 yeas she has lived—so some hard work is paying off. Dinner with my wife never sucks. I didn’t have debilitating cramps this month. Those really suck.

I am feeling low because I despair of finding a job. One that pays me more than minimum wage and that won’t drive to me to insanity. In other words, I’m not cut out for customer service, sales or accountant type work. Regardless of my job search and the resumes I send out every month I continue to discover I have “no useful skills.” Online career counseling sites insist my “people” and “soft skills” are highly in demand. Note these sites never suggest where these skills are in demand. They also tell me I am highly creative and independent, that I should explore being an actor or some other creative field. Brilliant. Even the search firm I signed on with last year gave up on finding me a position. They were never able to even find a job opening they felt I was qualified for despite insisting when I signed on that that would not be the case. Mostly it was me sending my resume out and informing them of where I applied.

I once interviewed for a job where the hiring manager told me that while I was qualified for a job as an admin—in fact he wanted me to start right away-- I would never be considered for a job as an upper level manager because people like me don’t qualify as upper level leaders. We don’t have the ability to really grasp how an organization works. I am what he called a “bottom feeder.” Needless to say I did not take the job. I don’t understand economics and high finance or international business law because I chose not to pursue them as a degree not because I don’t have the ability and one thing I do know that this “executive” does not is not to insult someone you want to work for you.

I continue to discover really cool jobs in other states—not so cool as to warrant suggesting selling the house and relocating cool—just the kind of cool that one wonders why Massachusetts, New York, and Washington need so many of the types of services and businesses I wouldn’t mind working for, such as teambuilding and workshop facilitation companies, and organizations working in advocacy for gay and lesbian youth and adults to arts education organizations and organizations working for women returning to the workforce.

I’m not crazy. The job I want is out there. It exists in one variety or another. It just doesn’t exist in Philadelphia. Target exists in Philadelphia. So does Khols and all manner of temp agencies.

And people wonder why I’m depressed? I am the classic example of what everyone is afraid of: I work hard, I follow the rules, I have a work ethic, I have a private school education and a college degree and the only thing I’m qualified to do is stack jeans or work a cash register or answer someone’s phone and put paper in the copy machine.

Self Saboage

2006-09-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

I’m an expert at self sabotage

I don’t care to go into all the “reasons” I’ve done therapy for a L O N G time and I’m very well acquainted with some very legit reasons why I undermine my own good. I’ve tried a lot of tactics to address my habit of self sabotage but my mind is tricky—it has a good grip on me physically and emotionally. It knows how to weasel out of good things before I even realize it. Self change is really hard when you get to the fundamental parts of yourself.

And let’s be clear. There is a difference between self sabotage and general personality trend. I understand I live in a large metropolitan area on the East Coast. Folks here are more “driven.” I’m not even sure they know by what but they feel inadequate and anxious and sub-human if they aren’t taxing their body mind and soul to the utmost limits. When one of these types crashes and burns there is the obligatory sympathy followed by finger wagging “you should have seen how stressed you are and taken a break.” How can they? They aren’t programmed that way and everything about East Coast culture is geared toward rewarding the over achiever. As long as these people can hide their stress or “manage it” they are rewarded; Rewarded by job promotions, adoring friends and people like me who want to be like them.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be one of those people. It has recently occurred to me that I have been trying to be one of those people for well over 20+ years—since I was like 13 or 14. And when I couldn’t do it, it provided me with tangible evidence of my general failure as a human being. For all these years I have felt badly that I can’t do what these people do. I just can’t. My mind doesn’t work that way nor does my body. So if I can’t then why bother to do anything at all. And as of June, talking to an overachiever it hit me—I’m NOT LIKE YOU.

It was not all that dissimilar to when I realized I was gay. I had been struggling with the issue for several years. I was CERTAIN I WASN’T but the more CERTAIN I was the worse things were for me in terms of my relationships both sexual and otherwise. One day, sitting at a work-study job I entertained the idea – what if I’m gay- and it was like suddenly everything fell into place. Everything made sense. DUH! I’m gay. I felt so much better.

My conversation with the overachiever was like that. DUH! I’m not an overachiever. I’m not stupid. I’m not a failure. I am what I am and what I am is NOT an overachiever. I don’t NEED to have that much going on in my life to feel self worth. One project is plenty.

Now the self sabotage thing is different. I do still require something to feel a sense of purpose and self worth; directing a show, performing in a show, teaching a workshop or class, training for a charity ride. But no matter how much I want to do something I find ways not to do it. Not always but very often.

Right now it’s about getting healthy. I’ve been struggling with weight gain for several years and I have tried to address it 7 different ways from Sunday with very little success. What I am certain of is that if I’m going to make a “lifestyle change” I had better damn well believe in it 100 % or I won’t stick to it. That was part of my motivation for buying a bike. I love riding. It is one of a handful of activities that I do that really clears my mind. It is simple and does not involve huge brain power. I was appalled at my lack of ability when I started. I mean I didn’t expect to be a pro or even an amateur racer but my mental expectations far exceeded my ability. Thankfully the body responds quickly. All it takes to improve is to do it. It is what a guy told me at the shop the day I picked up my bike. Just ride. Don’t push it, just ride as far as you can. The more you ride the better you’ll get. Seems simple enough and I had proof that it is true.

So now that the weather is cooler and not rainy and I have no job to speak of, in short no obstacles between me and my bike—why am I sitting at a computer all day instead of riding? Why am I unable to give myself 30 minutes even of an easy ride around the immediate neighborhood? No traffic, no road hazards, no hills.

I can’t seem to get out the door for myself. To take a meeting for someone else? Yes. To meet up with a friends such that I don’t have time to do the things I want to do for myself?—PLENTY of time. The bitch is I am aware of the self sabotage and still can’t stop it. If I wasn’t aware then maybe I’d just be lazy. A lazy underachiever, the thing most people I know fear of becoming if they only do 3 tasks instead of 6—no one wants to be me. By being aware of the sabotage and not being able to stop it I keep fulfilling that “I’m a failure” part of my personality. If I’m a failure then, DUH! Of course I can’t give myself permission to feel good and get healthy ‘cause I’m a stupid failure.

Final question-- why can’t I give myself permission to not be a failure? Or better put, since it is difficult to play a negative, why can’t I give myself permission to succeed at something even as minor as riding a bike a couple days a week?

Arg.

15 years

2006-09-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Diane and I celebrated our 15^th anniversary this weekend. I am always amazed at how long we have been together and how much my expectations regarding our union have changed. Before I met Diane I was never in a relationship longer than 12- 18 months. The people I had been involved with were all deeply damaged in one way or another. Not that I knew that when we became involved but sooner or later their true selves emerged.

When I met Diane, I didn’t expect we’d be together very long. After about a year I really HOPED we would be together the rest of our lives but I didn’t want to count on it. I told myself if we were together for 3 years without incident then I could start to relax. When 3 years came I held my breath for another 2. After our 8^th anniversary I started to relax. And now here we are 15 years later. It feels so good. I feel like my relationship is the one and only thing that has “worked out” for me.

Not that this is 15 years of fantasy bliss. We have had some very rocky times. We’ve been right at the precipice of breaking up more than once. We struggle and work hard at our relationship. The thing that makes it worthwhile, the thing that keeps us together is the desire to be together. We both want our relationship to work out. If we didn’t both want this then things would be different. This is difficult to put into words but a very ham-handed way to put it is when I add up the plusses and minuses there are more pluses.

The sad part of this is that we live in a country where our relationship is not legally recognized. Our day to day life is no different than our straight counterparts, but we are denied the security and protections that our straight friends take for granted. Check out Freedomtomarry.org for information and articles on this topic including basic rights denied to same sex couples.

The good news is we are still together an have no plans in the immediate future to end this relationship. We are in this together for better or for worse in sickness and in health.

15 years baby!

Grrr--bad links

2006-09-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

Apologies for the bad links. They are not loading properly when I republish the site. I hope to have them fixed in the next few days as time permits. In the meantime, if you are interested in any of the links you can type in the names (or copy and paste) in your browser search bar and find the pages that way.

Grr.

not happy.

Basenjis—not a dog for you

2006-09-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

Many people meet my dog and are charmed but soon sad. The Basenji is a natural breed. That means “mankind” did not create this dog, nature did. There are only a handful of natural breeds around. Not being created by man to serve man the Basenji could give a crap less about your biologically driven hominid drive to be “liked” or worse yet “loved unconditionally” Basenjis have conditions my friend. My partner and I like to joke about “the contract” but some days it doesn’t feel like a joke.

People think the “barkless dog” is mute. It is not. It makes sounds. It has “a charming yodel” yes, sometimes. It also has a charming growl, snarl, hiss and something that sounds like a demonic possession. It has a whimper and a yelp of boredom. It is not silent.

Basenjis are “aloof with strangers” Let me tell you they can be aloof with friends too. What does aloof mean? It means they look away as you stand there saying in your high pitched whiny voice “oh look at the pretty doggy!” They may even move off a bit. Please do not insist that they meet you it will only result in disappointment at best and downright trouble at worst. IF a Basenji wants to meet you it will come to you otherwise forget about it.

Basenjis are bossy and need a strong leader otherwise you are in serious trouble. You’ve seen the various dog shows like Dog Whisperer. Usually he’s working with a Rottweiler or Pit Bull. Basenjis are just like that only smaller and faster—like a shark. Do not take their small size for granted. Dogs don’t understand democracy. This is where most people fail their animals seriously. Of course we love them and adore them but if you ever start believing they are “just little furry people” you are in big trouble regardless of the dog's breed. Dogs are dogs. They think and feel—yes—but they think and feel LIKE DOGS. Primitive, basic, raw. Dogs live in packs with ONE leader and every other dog has its rank and the privileges that go with it. You need to be a leader and this will be a major issue for you if you think of your dog as a litte person. IMHO, this is why many children are bitten by dogs. NOT because the dog is “bad” but because in DOG WORLD a child is lower status and needs to be reminded of its place in the pack. Dogs need to be trained to understand that a child is higher ranking. In some breeds, like the basenji, this can be a challenge. Please, if you have a child TRAIN YOUR CHILD to ASK permission to approach a dog—EVEN IF you know the dog really well. It gets them in the habit for when you aren’t around or supervising closely. And if a dog owner tells you NO—please do not continue to insist on meeting/petting/inching up close to the dog anyway. People out with their dogs are not the free walking petting zoo.

I read a while ago about some genetic tests on dogs and wolves. Most domesticated dogs are several generations from wild wolves and other wild canids. Basenjis and other natural breeds are only one generation away. The Basenji acts like a wild dog because for the most part it IS a wild dog.

I am totally in love with this breed. From my first “mixed” dog Sparky (Basenji-Husky), to my boy Titan who lived with Fanconi syndrome and later developed a brain tumor and had to be put down due to uncontrollable seizures, to my current girl and former companion to Titan, Loki. I love their “attitude” I love that they make you work to earn their respect. I love that they DON’T fawn over strangers and beg for attention. I love that it is me providing the unconditional love not the other way around. Loki has been and remains a challenge to train. She test the boundaries very often. At home with me, my partner and our 3 cats she is the most adorable dog ever. Sure everyone says that about their dog. She really is very well behaved at home or with close supervision by us. She is, in my opinion, one of Satan’s spawn when in the company of others. She tests how much she can get away with –like table surfing or sticking her nose in people’s belongings like coat pockets or hand bags. She does not want to be petted or to meet most people and she is not at all good with other people’s dogs or children.

This was not always the case. Loki is 7 now and it has been 3 years (?) since Titan died. She was bossy with Titan but she was lower ranked than him. When he died her world was upturned. We’ve been working on re-socializing her to other animals and people but it is a challenge and one we may never really overcome.

Just know that while on paper the Basenji may seem like a good option for you do some research. Spend the weekend with someone who owns one. Talk to several breeders about them. You will need all your patience, determination and strength of character to own a Basenji. The rewards are directly proportional to the effort. I can’t imagine my life without one of these crazy little dogs, but if you are searching for a fantasy TV dog like Lassie this is NOT the dog for you.

Summer is almost over

2006-09-19T16:03:00.001-05:00

There’s been a lot going on since the start of summer and now summer is almost over.

I started rehearsals for Suburban Love Songs in June. It eventually ran as part of the Live Arts Festival in Philadelphia Sept 1-4 and was a huge success and there is talk that it is being picked up by Philadelphia based 1812 Productions.

I directed Once on This Island for a middle school summer camp in July.

Killer Pussy played the Philly SPARK festival in July and the Fringe Festival in September as did LunchLady Doris.

My friend and mentor Mike Young for whom I undertook the bike For Sight ride died in July.

I haven’t felt much like writing since then. Everything seems so petty and pointless.

I’m trying out a new world view or maybe I’m trying to pay more attention to what my therapist has been trying to tell me lo these many years.

Nothing in my nascent revamped world view is so unique or different that you can’t find it any check-out counter magazine or well cited psychological treatise. But after a lot of struggle and one more loss in my life it’s starting to seep through my thick head.

Here it is. Ready? I’m putting myself and my needs first. For any improvisers out there, I’m choosing to live the Annoyance philosophy in day to day life.

I also understand now, like really understand, that we always have choices. I used to think that “choice” meant either you get something really great OR you get something really awful. And it bugged me because I think I NEVER have a choice my back is against the wall in so many ways. But now I see it isn’t like that. In fact most times a choice is between something so-so and something “eh” or between horror number 1 and horror number 2, and on occasion it’s a choice between something good and something slightly better, and rarely is a choice between something good and something awful. Choice doesn’t make things better because of the choice. Choice makes things better because it allows you some control over a small portion of your life that is otherwise uncontrollable.

So today I discover I have a choice, between responding or not to an inflammatory remark made on a public message board about me but not to me. The remark is vehement and angry in it’s tone and indicates that either the poster did not read my post or read it with some agenda in mind. It has left me feeling very angry and wanting to hurt the poster. I’m choosing this blog post instead.

The inciting post in question refers to an announcement of an upcoming improv workshop being offered by a NYC improviser in Philly. I am not personally acquainted with the instructor nor have I heard his name mentioned in the “guru” circle (Mick Napier, Jill Bernard, Joe Bill, Armando Diaz, the UCB founders, that crew) I haven’t any opinion of this person’s ability to teach or inspire one way or the other. The instructor is being sponsored by Peoples Improv Theater (PIT) a large and well funded group (compared to many Philly based improv groups) with a decent reputation. And I have no issue with that. The original announcement was just that-a simple statement a bit arrogant “Start your improv career out right” but hey that’s marketing and I have no issue with that either. It is what followed after that irked me.

One or two posts of the kind that state ”I know him he’s good take a class with him” were followed by many more that practically made this guy seem like a walking god. And I thought whose posting these? And low and behold they are posts from NYC. Then came a few locals who appear eager to take the class—although it is allegedly an Intro class and I suspect the locals in question are not intro level students. Whatever, take intro 1000 times if you like. I felt angry because the sum total of the posts (before leaving my own) felt like “here Philadelphia you poor improv starved city we in NYC will send you one of our demi-gods to take care of you, you needn’t suffer for want of good instructors any longer.” FUCK YOU NYC. For all I know this guy is as fantastic as these people claim and if so hooray I welcome that with open arms but that doesn’t mean you can’t get great improv teachers in Philly already. I thought of several folks teaching right now who are struggling to even fill a class because Philly improvisers think NYC = good and Philly = sucks! I myself have had trouble getting people to take classes sponsored by my theater company from out of town guests like Jill Bernard—someone most improvisers have heard of so where were they? They weren’t ALL busy.

I posted a comment about the class. I said hooray if this guy is all that people say about him but don’t get so caught up in the hype that you forget that you can get the same thing right here at home. I never mentioned a specific class or company or even teacher. I’m not even teaching right now. What followed was a very angry accusation that I was attempting to “hijack” the thread followed by many aspersions to my character. As if my post will keep people from taking this class or I have damaged this man’s career in some fashion by stating that we have good teachers in Philly.

I don’t know why I feel so angry about this. In the end he isn’t worth it. If I died tomorrow my life would not be any better for addressing his stupidity. He has certainly confirmed my opinion of him.

I hope this NYC fellow is as wonderful as they all say. I hope those that take his class learn some good improv skills and take classes from many different people. I hope they don’t get caught up in the machine that is “you aren’t really an improviser until you’ve had Level X, Level X1, Level X2, Level Y, … improv “levels” aren’t regulated for quality or content they aren’t standard across the nation Level 1 in NYC may or may not be the same as Level 1 in LA or Chicago or Philly or Omaha—every company –improv or otherwise—makes money off of you taking classes. Beware the endless levels of learning—just make sure you are getting out of it what you want and not getting wrapped up in hype and please if you are in the Philly area don’t you believe it that anyone working in Philly sucks. Suckage exists as much in NYC and Chicago as it does here.

Frankly, I don’t see how setting up a NYC branch of an established NYC company brings the Philly improv community together. We have a new and younger group of people who have been working really hard to establish a Philly identity and this move seems to undermine all that. If you have the ability to study with someone you should do it, study as often as you can just don’t thumb your nose at the local talent available. This is Philadelphia for god’s sake not bumblefuck.

A few pics from Bike4Sight

2006-05-24T13:50:00.000-05:00

View some pics from Bike 4 Sight

Follow this link:

http://www1.snapfish.com/share/p=618211148249664632/l=98907873/g=52569674/otsc=SYE/otsi=SALB

It will take you to SnapFish.com

You DO NOT a Snapfish account to view the pics simply click on the “View Now” button at the top right hand side of the screen.

I DID IT!!

2006-05-21T16:51:00.000-05:00

I hardly slept last night. Diane finally got me to settle down around 10:30PM with “Goodbye, My Lady” This film is the only one of which I am aware that features the adorable Basenji in the title role of “Lady”

“Goodbye, My Lady” was made in 1956 featuring Walter Brennan, Phil Harris, Brandon De Wilde, Sidney Poitier, William Hopper directed by William Wellman.

Synopsis (from Rottentomatoes.com):

William Wellman directed this poignant tale of a young boy named Skeeter (Brandon De Wilde), his uncle Jesse Jackson (Walter Brennan), and the dog that brings joy into their lives. Skeeter is an orphan who lives with Jesse in the Pascagula Swamp in Mississippi, where lumber companies harvest cypress trees. One day Skeeter stumbles on an irreverent pooch that laughs instead of barks. The dog is also able to pick up scents at remarkable distances and cleans itself in a feline fashion. Things take an unexpected turn when Uncle Jesse agrees to allow Skeeter, who hopes to teach her to be a hunter, to keep her. Both De Wilde and Brennan give unsentimental, genuine performances. The understated story is well supported by beautiful black-and-white photography and an acoustic-guitar score, making GOODBYE, MY LADY a terrific family.

Check in time for the ride was 9:45. I was at the Courthouse by 9:20. I met a few of the board members for CBVI. When they found out it was my first ride, not just with them but ever they wanted to know more. The story of Mike’s battle with the SFT was moving. I almost started to cry myself. They assured me that when the time comes, when Mike is ready, they will have much to offer him in the way of rehab.

As event management went this wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever attended. I was disappointed that there weren’t more riders, more supporters, more vendors, more signage, more opportunities to buy event swag, and more solidarity between the riders. I wasn’t looking to make a new best friend and I don’t care if I see these people again really but we were all riding for the same charity and it just felt a little too “fend-for-yourself.”

Since I haven’t done anything like this before—well ok I’ve done the AIDS Walk in Philly 3 times—but I’ve never done a local event or a cycling event so I’ve nothing to compare this too and maybe this is just the way things are. I kept thinking what we need here are more improvisers, more comedians, more theater folks—to help make this event really exciting.

So yes, some of my worst fears were realized, snotty bike people. But nowhere near as snotty as I imagined. I guess I have a big imagination ;-)

Best and worst parts of today:

Best: The weather held and it was a perfect temperature for a long ride. Sunny 7o’s windy.

Worst: Too cold to stand around! Wind made it feel like 50’s.

Best: Free food and beverages for riders provided by Trader Joes, Starbucks, the local Dunkin Donuts, Iron Hill Brewery, and a caterer that didn’t put up a sign to say where they were from—GREAT CRAB CAKES!

Worst: Too few vendors, not many supporters, and not a lot for the few supporters who did show up to do while waiting for riders to return.

Best: Riding for Mike!

Worst: Riding alone L

Best: I trained for this ride. 13 Miles? Please.

Worst: It was SO much more challenging than anything I trained for. I am so happy I did a lot of hill work.

Best: Well that hill wasn’t so bad

Worst: Another HILL?!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

Best: ??? (sucking wind hard and it’s only been 2 miles)

Best: I’m doing this for Mike

Worst: ANOTHER HILL?

Best: THIS IS FOR MIKE

Worst: ANOTHER *&&amp;^&*$%Worst: ANOTHER *&&^&*$%Worst: ANOTHER *&&amp;^&*$%Worst: ANOTHER *&&^&*$%$&##$$#@@@!!!##$#@@@!!!amp;##$#@@@!!! Mile 6.6 Kelly on verge of serious tears, legs feel like hot irons. Dropped by group

Best: Mile 7 FLAT terrain FINALLY! Kelly catches up to group—who have stopped for a bathroom break, Kelly blows on past.

Worst: Group passes Kelly in about 5 minutes.

Best: Downhill for about 3 miles or so to last rest stop. Even though I’m riding alone I’m feeling like I’m doing something good for myself too. I’m doing this—event—really doing it-- *&^(*&^ hills and all and I’m not THAT far behind.

Worst: The longest steepest hill back to the courthouse is immediately around the corner from the rest area.

Best: I made a temporary riding friend who rode with me at the end of the group. We were two fatties together, sucking wind and enjoying a great day. Only 3.5 miles to go!

Best: There will be free food and full body massages on our return. 2 miles to go

Best: My Loki and my Wife Diane will be there to cheer me on my return. 1 mile to go

Best: I rode my first ever charity ride and lived to tell about it!! I will do this again! TRIUMPHANT RETURN!! 13.5 miles with a time of 1 hour 24 minutes.

Best: I won a prize for my fundraising effort—a new short sleeved cycling Jersey

Best: I did this for MIKE

Nerves...blech

2006-05-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

No, it’s NOT a race…just a ride to show the world that vision loss can happen to anyone and that funds are needed to help adults lead normal and productive lives in the face of sudden reduction / loss of sight.

So why the nerves? I guess I had hoped that someone would be willing to ride with me. I hate doing things alone. I like having company. I’m not sure what to expect. I assume there will be a lot of snotty bike people there on their fancy thousands-of dollar-racing bikes—One of the sponsors is a local racing team. But then why would the snotty people do a short ride—won’t they be on the metric century ride to Longwood Gardens or the 50 mile ride? It’s just fear of the unknown. I know I’ll feel better once I start riding. I’ll try and take some pictures and post them up tomorrow night.

It was good to see Mike today. It was a great inspiration. I mean this is just a community event. If Mike and Dana can go forward with their lives certainly I can do a freakin’ charity ride for 13 miles alone. I can do a 2 hour 1-woman show no problem. I can teach juvenile delinquents knowing they are forbidden things to write with in case they try to stab me, no problem. I can teach improv to 10 year olds. So I can do this.

The ride is ON!!

2006-05-19T19:08:00.000-05:00

I’m as ready as I can be. I have no idea what the actual course is. I know I start at the Court House in Media, PA somehow ride through Ridley Creek State Park and return to the courthouse. This is the short ride—13 miles with a rest stop half way. I anticipate it will take me about 1.5 hours including rest stop. My hip is still not feeling great, a chronic low level ache. I haven’t ridden in a few days partly due to weather but also I think if this is some injury allowing time for healing is best…I mean I’m not a professional racer...this is a charity ride after all. I’ll take the catbird out tomorrow for a light spin and check the tires and brakes ect.

My wife who adores me tried to get me my favorite sports movie…Breaking Away a few weeks ago as inspiration but the order got messed up. She re-ordered it from a different source, so now it will be her after the ride. Inspiration for the rest of the summer.

Rain Rain Go Away

2006-05-17T18:25:00.000-05:00

On second thought stick around. We need the rain. We didn’t get much of a snowfall this year and as much as that made for better winter driving it SUCKS for farmers and the growing season. Snow melt allows the ground to be nice and soft for spring rains so the rain is more readily absorbed. It also helps contribute to the ground water. Since we didn’t get much snow the local water supply is low so hooray for rain.

It’s also been a good reason not to ride these past few days. I’ve been having some pain after riding in my hip and lower back but mostly in my hip. It seems weird since I do warm-up and stretch but this has been really nagging and doesn’t go away. After some research I think I’ve discovered the source may be 2 fold. (1) I need to re-check my seat height and alignment. It may be that I’m over reaching and or my hips are rocking forward causing iliotibial band (IT band) syndrome. Contributing factors are also tight quadriceps and glut muscles. Nothing shocking about that I’m naturally wound up about as tight as you can be without springing off to the moon. (2) It could be the way I’m built. I could have some misalignment of my hip joint that is causing the tendons to rub or snap against the bone when I pedal. I’ve had hip “issues” for as long as I can remember. I always got that “clunking sound” when doing kicks in Tai Chi so this would make sense.

The “cure” is rest, ice, massage and stretching and not taking so many hills…at least not right now.

In other news thanks to those who continue to send in your pledges!

A perfect day

2006-05-12T17:27:00.000-05:00

Shadow and Loki(aka Basenj-Y.) Loki will be visited this weekend by her arch nemisis the ever affable Shadow. Shadow is an Australian Shepherd.

What a fantabulous day. It’s really hard to be angry with anyone when you get a day like this. So ok I SHOULD have mowed the lawn. I’ll do it tomorrow before my brother-in-law drops off his dog with us for the weekend.

It was far too nice a day to concentrate on form (cadence, cornering, shifting, braking ect.) I just went for a really long slow ride around some of my “if-only-I-wasn’t-a-poor-underemployed-artist-and-had-learned-a-skill-or-trade-that-would-net-me-an-annua l-income-above-5K-I-would-live-in-this-neighborhood” rides.

1 hour ride @ 8 miles /hr = 8 miles today. For frame of reference I started out riding on or about April 10 at about 9mph for about 30-40 mins. In the past 2 weeks I’ve upped my speed to 12-14 mph with an average of 12mph and I’ve been starting to ride 12 -13 miles in prep for Bike4Sight. What limited rider info I have been provided states the 13 mile course was redesigned for this year “and what hill there are, are not long or steep” But I think that is entirely relative if, like me, you haven’t been on a bike in a while a sped bump can seem long and steep so I keep making certain to add slow grades, short steep hills and rolling hills to my rides. If nothing else my strength and balance have improved.

Keep those pledges comin'!

2006-05-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

Took a pass on riding today. My left hip is sore. I’m not certain if that means I’m overusing my left leg, if my seat height needs adjusting or I’m just old and out of shape. I took a lot of hills yesterday. The last time I did that my left hip hurt as well so it may just be I’m pathetically out of condition. I’m hoping that will improve as the summer goes forward!

Thanks to everyone who has sent me their pledges for the Bike4Sight. To date I have $205.00! I know there are still a few more folks whose checks I have yet to receive…keep ‘em flowing folks!

11 Days and counting

2006-05-10T22:18:00.000-05:00

A good day to ride. Plotted out a new “course” including several steep hills. About a half mile from home my chain dropped when shifting and I needed to pull over and get the chain back on the front cog. This has happened to me before so I was at least familiar with how to fix the problem without walking my bike home. I’m a little upset though as I had my bike shop make an adjustment and thought I had this cleared up. I wish I knew more about basic bike maintenance! I am still a bit winded at the top of the hills but my strength is defiantly improving. Today’s ride 12.65 miles and no numb butt!

Bummed

2006-05-09T15:44:00.000-05:00

Back from Boston. Too cold to ride yesterday. Well for me anyway.

Today was a beautiful day but never made it out for a ride due to interpersonal conflicts. YES it is a SORRY excuse and I think that the ride would have done wonders for my mental health. After all, BIKE4SIGHT is about something FAR bigger and more important than petty grievances. It is about raising money for an organization that helps adults regain independence and personal dignity in the face of recent vision loss. People LIKE MIKE.

Despite my best efforts to compartmentalize, to maintain boundaries, I am human and today I succumbed to allowing other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions become more important than my own. I allowed other people to control my life and determine how I would live today. I’m not proud of it but there it is. Tomorrow for sure…back on the bike.

I’m getting T.I.T.S.

2006-05-06T09:07:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I’m looking at this all wrong. 6 days away from the bike seems to only have made me better, stronger, faster than I was before. I went for a 30 minute ride yesterday that turned into almost an hour ride. I not only climbed the heretofore mentioned hills in my area with ease I cut 5 minutes off my time. Over all logged 8.5 miles with nothing more than “numb butt.”

There is an acronym I’ve read in Bicycling Magazine—T.I.T.S. It means Time In The Saddle. The only way to make improvements is to spend time riding. A perfect expression for me…sounds just filthy dirty and means something entirely different.

Of course just to keep me humble after my first long climb, having arrived at the top of hill only slightly winded I was passed by a little girl around age 8. Riding a 3 speed and wearing and enormous school bag on her back climbing the same hill, passing me with a dirty look as if to say “Move it LADY-- big school bag coming through!” and blew on past me.

So Ok I’m NOT ready for a Grand Tour but I’m feeling better about the Bike4Sight ride every day.

6 Days off...what was I thinking???

2006-05-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

This past week was a bad week for riding for me. I wasn’t able to get out over the weekend due to house guests. Monday and Tuesday I felt terrible due to “female troubles” (FT) as my father would put it. Wednesday I was feeling better but ended up doing a long walk instead.

I read an article some time back that suggested you shouldn’t take off more than 2 consecutive days. Since I’m not training for a race I don’t think the impact of not riding for 6 consecutive days will be all that dramatic. I have felt a little more sluggish this week but that could also be due to FT. I made sure I got out yesterday but did just a few laps around my immediate neighborhood. My area is a large circle with circles that cut across each other and no thru streets. 1 lap around the outer loop is .25 miles. I logged about 2.5 miles yesterday.

I’ll be out of town this weekend so I am looking forward to a longer ride today since I won’t be back on the bike until Monday or Tuesday next week.

Oh no…another blog or who are you and why are you doing this?

2006-05-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

The Jamis Coda Sport. The machine that will power me through Bike4Sight on the 21st...I call her "Cat Bird" because shortly after I rode this bike for the first time a cat bird sat on the handle bars. And, a cat bird for thsoe unfamiliar with them.

I never thought about keeping a blog before. I’ve read plenty. Political blogs to just silly fun things. But the idea of my own blog? That’s crazy talk. The pressure of keeping to one theme, one line of thought was overwhelming.

Titan, my dog (picture above) suffered from Fanconi Syndrome a disease sadly not uncommon for his breed. I’ll go into more detail about this horrible disease in a later post. It was then I started thinking about writing about the experience. Then Titan took a turn for the worse. It was suspected he had a brain tumor in addition to the fanconi. Eventually we had to have him put down. Needless to say I wasn’t up for posting an online journal during that time and after Titan died so did the inspiration for the blog.

Fast forward 2 years and here we are. The idea for starting up a blog resurfaced shortly before my friend and mentor Mike was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Stuck for ideas I started reading a variety of blogs, mostly mundane stuff and realized that maybe all I needed to do was just start writing and see what came out. Lord knows I have no shortage of opinions. So I figured I would learn as I went. Learn about writing, about journals, about fanconi and basenjis, and whatever else crossed my path.

Over the next few months came ever distressing news about Mike. His awesome wife Danna started a blog with the help of friend CSM to keep friends and family and supporters updated on his condition—and hers. I count myself lucky to live close by so I can visit Mike and Danna and lend a hand.

The whole Mike situation makes you realize just how powerless you are over just about everything in your life. I mean you can control some things like what you wear day to day or what you eat for lunch. Assuming you aren’t destitute or living on the street. But some things defy human control. One of the devastating elements to Mike’s condition is his vision loss. There are hundreds of other complications involved in his care and treatment right now but, IF he can overcome those odds the vision loss will remain with him. After visiting with Mike one day I thought about how much most of us depend on our sight. I have no idea what I would do or how I would cope losing partial or even all of my sight. I think not well.

While these thoughts rattled around in my brain I was having a battery of physically exams, everything from the inside out was up for inspection. Happily I remain in good health except for my weight (an ongoing issue for several years) and now my cholesterol is dangerously high. I’ve been given 3 months to change my diet and exercise to see if that has any impact on the numbers, other wise my doc wants me on Lipitor or the like. Aiee!

It just so happens that last summer I bought a bike so I would be able to exercise. I used to ride a lot in my teens thanks to a wannabe bike racer boyfriend and I really enjoy it. After the recent visit to the Doctor I figured I’d be spending a lot more time on my bike but I was going to need something to really motivate me while I get in shape.

And along comes a flyer for an organization The Center for the blind and Visually Impaired. They assist in rehabilitation for adults who have experienced recent vision loss. Suddenly it all came together the blog, doing something concrete for Mike and assisting my own health all in one.
So on May 21 17 days from now (aiee aiee!!) I’ll be riding in the Bike For Sight benefiting CBVI in honor of Mike. I’m doing the “Short Ride” of 13 miles. I could have maybe taken on the 25 mile ride but as I have NEVER done a charity ride before I figured why not start small and work my way up. During this time I’ll be making posts about my “training”

I started riding again after the winter in Mid April thanks to some really amazing weather, not too hot or cold. I’m riding about 6.5 miles over rolling hills and flat terrain. There are a couple hills that I consider HUGE (I‘m sure any fit cyclist or amateur club rider would consider a blip) near by that I’ve recently been able o climb non stop. I’m pretty proud of myself…Tour de France look out!

BasenjiX

2006-05-01T17:46:00.000-05:00

Titan Basenji. (RB 02/2004)

Titan was my first full breed Basenji. I have had close relationships with many of my animal companions throughout my life but my relationship with Titan was very special. He was my very best friend and I learned a lot about myself and about people from caring for this special boy.